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Not sure if I am at the right place, But I am maybe just needing some advice. I am hoping there is something I can do to help. I have been married for almost 20 years. We were married when I was 18 and he was 21. About a year ago he started drinking alot more then ususal. Before it was a six pack on the weekend. Now it is a six pack plus every night. He says its stress and he uses the beer to releive the stress of work and of his family (mother, sisters, brothers). His family is not close at all, infact they are very abusive to each other. They say hurtful things and he really tries to stay away from them. But he really really wants them to get along and not be so hurtful to each other. I use to talk to his mother about once to twice a week. I have stopped talking to her pretty much all together. I am not sure if that will help him, But at this point I have no idea how to help him to stop. He also smokes cigarettes, To me it seems like a pack a day, but he swears he dosent smoke that much. I am very much in love with him and am not sure what to do, but I do know I dont want to spend the rest of my life with him and him drinking his away.
I have talked and talked to him. He dosent drive while drinking but will ask me to get hiim some more or get our 17 year old to drive him to the store to get more beer. He tells me he is going to stop and sets a date, then blames it on the stress as to why this date has come and gone and still no change in the drinking. I am just looking for any help that I can get at this point. Thanks in advance for your help.
Just talking helps sometimes. It helps us to get things clearer in our own minds. It seems to me that you have a fairly realistic view of what is happening in your life. My experience is that when someone is drinking every day, that it becomes the focus of the day, and other things take a lesser place of priority.
Again in my experience I learned that there was nothing I could do to stop myA drinking and living in a way that I did not like. And boy did I try!! In the end I learned that the only person I could control was myself. If he wanted to change what he was doing, then he was the only one who could do that.
Regarding his drinking, remember you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot change it......no matter how much you want to...or how hard you try. We can only change ourselves.
Keep coming back and keep posting. You are in my prayers. AM
Welcome Anakasha, you are definitely in the right place. All of us here are in one way or another affected by a loved one's drinking problem, be it husband, wife, child, parent or friend. That's all it takes to be a member of Alanon. All our alcoholics are "different" in the details only, what binds us together is our own suffering and the support we give each other through the Alanon program to end that suffering whether our alcoholic stops drinking or not.
The first priority is to take care of yourself. Build yourself up in strength and faith, use the tools suggested by Alanon, and though it is indirect "help" for your husband, it is literally the only thing any of us found to be helpful to them.
We get sort of sick and crazy living day in and day out with a person who drinks heavily and does not cope with their problems face on. We get preoccupied with the alcoholic, how much they drink, when, why, and how. It is a dead end road, from my personal experience. As much as I wanted to . . . . as HARD as I tried, and I did try hard . . . I could do NOTHING to stop my husband. May I say again?? I tried SO HARD!!! I exhausted myself, and came to resent him to the point of rage against him. All it did was drain ME of my precious energy that I needed for myself.
So I found this board too, and though I'd been to Alanon before, I started going to meetings again. I can't say what help and support I have received from these people here and at my meetings. It has saved my life -- and rather recently I might add!!
I look forward to your continuing posts. Ask any questions. One of the first things to do is educate yourself on alcoholism and how it affects you. You aren't alone, and never have to be, there are just tons of us who are going through or have gone through this mess and came out the other side better, stronger and healthier. Take care! Kim
I think your first sentence is the same way everyone felt when they began to look at Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for people who are affected by a loved one's (or friend's or co-worker's, etc.) drinking. It sounds like you are being affected, and, as AnnMarie said - you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. (The Al-Anon 3 "C"s).
Glad you came to the board. It's not a place where Al-Anon-ers cram advice down your throat or preach to you. They let you be you and make your own decision. This is a GREAT place for information and encouragement (ESH - Experience, Strength, and Hope) - I'm new, too, so I hope I got that right! It's also not a place where we try to "fix" alcoholism, or the alcoholic in our lives. What Al-Anon allows us (and helps us) to do is to have tranquility and happiness in our lives, whether our alcoholic is drinking or not. We work on ourselves and our past roles in this cunning and heart-breaking disease of alcoholism, and we look at how we can change ourselves (indeed, we are the only ones we CAN change) to live a full, productive, and peaceful life.
Keep coming back to the board, read the literature, and try to find a face-to-face meeting. Go and listen to what's being said, then decide if Al-Anon's principles promote what you are seeking. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts! Big hugs, and take care, Marion
-- Edited by mhgal at 12:34, 2007-07-20
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
What you are experiencing sounds very familiar to many of us. There's always an excuse or reason for the drinking, otherwise known as "denial". It's part of the disease. The alcoholic can't seem to face or admit that they have a problem. Giving it an excuse allows the disease to stay alive, thus relieving them from responsibility (in their eyes). It's very baffling to those of us that are not alcoholics.
My husband used the "stress" excuse at first. Then it was the kids, his job, the boss, the way his Father treated him etc. There was a thousand excuses and just as many days drinking. Like Kim said, no matter what you say or how hard you try they will not see. There are no magic words that jerk them back to reality.
Enabling is another thing we learn not to do in Alanon. There is nothing that we take part in that enables the disease to continue with ease. No calling in to work, no buying alcohol, no running to bail them out if they get in trouble. We do this FOR them. When it gets hard enough and difficult enough to drink, there may be a chance that they will look inside of themselves and get help. As long as there is a soft place to fall, they will not hit their bottom, whatever that is for them. For some, it is to lose everything and more times then not that's what it takes.
Alanon will help you with a path, tools to cope, and actions that may serve you better then what you are using now. It's always easier to deal with the out of control life and feelings that go with alcoholism if there is a program to follow.
Glad you found us, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I encourage you to find a f2f (face to face) meeting in your area - you can check out al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.htm for links to the info service in your state or country. Those sites usually include meeting lists or, at minumum, a phone number to call for information.
At a meeting, you can get a free newcomers packet of basic pamphlets about alanon. These were such a help to me in the beginning. The ones that made the most sense, I read over and over.
I was lucky enough to find a "beginner's meeting", and that was hugely helpful to me because the format allowed me to ask questions during the meeting, not just afterwards. Each meeting has a little bit different feel and flavor - if one doesn't feel right, try another.
My hubby, too, was a perfectly reasonable social drinker when we met. One of the things I learned after he crashed (losing his job & getting in an accident, dui, within 3 days of each other) is that the alcoholic's body actually processes alcohol differently from the way a non-alcoholic does. It's a progressive disease, meaning it gets worse over time - which you're seeing now. But in Alanon you can learn tools so that you feel better in yourSELF - no matter what ends up happening with him.
Keep coming back - it really works when you work it.
His drinking is the brick wall -you can beat your head against it, or you can go do something else. It will make NO difference to how much he drinks. If you stop nagging him, it does not mean you 'condone' his drinking, or are giving him permission. He knows by now how you feel, I am sure. It just means that you choose to devote your energy to something more useful. I more or less gave up on my husband's drinking. I stopped paying attention to where he was, when he came home, etc. The only thing that I paid attention to was how he treated me and the kids. If he was treating us well when he was hiome, then I was fine with him. I would invite him to come along on things we did, but if he preferred to stay home and get drunk, that was fine, we went anyway. Life around our house got a lot better - much less fighting. Eventually, three years after I started changing my ways, he hit his bottom, and chose to sober up. NOTHING I had ever said and did, before, made him sober up. When he finally made that choice, it was for his own reasons, and not much to do with me at all. In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion that if I had been nagging away that whole time, he may have made a different choice, just out of spite..... Anyway, because he chose sobriety on his own, for his own reasons, it "took" - he was sober when he died, four years later.
Welcome to our program. Not everything you read and hear here will apply to your life - take what seems to you to be workable, and useful to you. The harder you work the program, the more you will get out of it. Go to face to face meeitngs if at all possible, and read our literature, and that of AA. The knowlege you get from that will help you to make better choices in your life.
Just wanted to welcome you to the board. So glad u found us. There is really nothing I can add to what others have already said.
Hope you will come to our on-line Al-Anon meetings in the chatroom. Meetings begin 9:00 a.m. & 9:00 p.m. EST from Monday - Friday. Saturday & Sunday a.m. meetings begin 10:00 a.m. EST Sunday at 10:00 a.m. EST is a spiritual meeting.
You might also be interested in our Beginners Meeting on Saturday 7:00 p.m. EST followed by our regular meeting at 9:00 p.m. EST
Hope to see you there. Also, hope you may be able to attend Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area. The main thing is keep coming and if you keep an open mind you will find help.
Love in recovery - Jeri
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The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
