The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been a mental theme lately, I think I'm just beginning to 'get it', what it means to love myself, be kind to myself, look out for myself.
Before now it never occurred to me to do the things for myself that I automatically do for others to create comfort or safety.
Somehow (I did grow up in an alcoholic home) my 'self' never figured in to my daily schedule. I ate, slept, rested, worked, related, all that but without much regard for how I felt about it. It was all automatic and baseline. Food/water/shelter/relationships. What you might do for a stray dog you don't really want, but don't want it to starve or freeze in the weather.
But this is more than plain old decency. It's taking care to handle matters to prevent future pain and suffering. I have not done so well at this. The stuff barely occurs to me. It sure has made life look like a long mortal coil, blown about by every wind! It's taking the time to make sure my laundry is done so I can go to a meeting and not smell like a goat :D or suffer embarassment because I tracked a glob of chicken poo on their carpet!
Or on my OWN carpet.
Looking out for myself is a future tense kind of thing. It means looking forward, and taking the kinds of actions that make my life more peaceful and productive, deciding how I want to live and preserving that. It means being extremely flexible and if my first impression is negative, reframing it into something more workable.
So I need to hear from you all what kindness to yourself means for you, and what that looks like in your day to day life.
The kindest thing that I had to learn to do for me or learn to STOP doing TO ME was name calling.
I was forever calling myself names, Stupid you forgot to turn off the light. Dummy, you missed your turn. Oh, you're a klutz, you spilled something on your shirt.
This played into my low self-esteem.
This was not cruel, evil behavior, but it hurt me and hindered my growth.
So, today when I catch myself making these same mistakes, starting to call myself those names again - I try to stop and realize it was just a simple human error and that it is not the end of the world. I tell myself, "Rita, just breathe and do what you can to fix it - if not start all over - it's not brain surgery" (Thank God I'm not a Brian Surgeon, or I'd have to come up with another plan - lol)
This is one of the ways I treat myself with kindness today.
Great Topic, Kim - can't wait to read what every one else says.
Thanks, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Speaking for myself it's hard to do things for myself when I have three very young kids so I do what I can. I get my nails done every month without fail. They make me feel pretty and make my wedding band look nice. (I told this to dh and said I won't wear it unless my nails are done...so he pays for them) haha I had my hair colored. I got blond streaks put in my dark brown hair and it made me look younger and also gave me a new look. I joined LA weight loss and lost 30lbs for myself and felt so much better once I reached my goal. I take hot baths with fragrance in it and bubbles now and again. I also make sure my toe nails are nicely pedicured and painted. I do this myself. I wear sandals alot. I actually enjoy doing it and it feels as if I am taking care of myself. I'll clean the whole house and then light the candles so my house smells like vanilla and I'll rent a movie on tv and just relax. Sometimes I'll rent kids movies and we will cuddle up together. It makes for a nice night. I have to MAKE time for myself. That's one thing that he almost took from me and I realized it because I was getting fatter and fatter and had WAY too many nanny panties and fat clothes. No more!! I had had enough and there are NO nanny panties in this house any longer. hahahaha I hope you can find yourself. Just take baby steps and do one thing at a time. Lots of love to you. ^i^
Kindness to myself changes day to day.....some days it is making time for ME...getting a babysitter so I can go hear music with friends. Some days it is not cleaning the house, but taking a walk instead. Some days it is just opening my eyes in the morning and telling myself I am ok and the world is a beautiful place. It is turning off my mind when my thoughts start to go towards my ex-A. It is forgiving myself for loving the A. It is accepting my sadness. It is remembering my strengths. It is trying so hard to re write the internal dialogue in my head that says there is something wrong with me.
i can relate very much to the background of growing up in a sea of deprivation. For me the deprivation issues have been actually harder to name and take care of than the trauma issues. The trauma was finite. For me the deprivation is like a sea I drown in.
I work on this stuff as best I can. I have to say most days I feel deprived and unloved. I do better with this now than I ever have. I used to obsess over how the A did not love me. I think now he does in his own way. I also think he and I are incredibly dependent on each other which is not necessairly a healthy thing. On the hand hand I have never had a healthy relationship of any sort. I have always merged and meshed with others.
For me the loving myself stuff comes in being able to watch my boundaries. When I am around others I am not now obsessing about how can I please them, I am watching my boundaries, I am watching my reactions. I am taking care of me.
I'm glad to be able to move forward in very small steps.
HI Family, Boy, what a great topic... I related so much to the post about making time for me, esp. doing the things that make me feel good about myself.
My AH quit his job to go to school full time and in June he finally graduated. He's off now, 24/7. His focus is on having fun... tennis, swimming at the pool, bikie riding, fun- fun- fun. I work for a school system and have a fairly constant stressful job...so the weeks off in summer are really needed to get me re-charged and ready for the new school year. We have been having fights the last 2 - 3 weeks about how we spend our time. He always suggests going to the pool. I get migraines from the brightness and high temps... and I feel fat in swimsuits. Not my idea of fun. He gets mad at me for wanting to do something like clean out a closet, or go to the libary with the baby. I finally realized that I need to speak up and tell him what I want!and told him, "I'm on vacation... these are my weeks... you are lounging around, not looking for a job... not fair! I am going to do what I want to do... and I want you to stop criticizing me for not wanting to exercise. What makes me happy is having order, feeling accomplished, and doing things I don't have time or energy to do during the school year. I want to make lemonade with my son. I want to paint a step stool w/ our toddler and have him put his footprints on it. I want to clean out a closet and organize it so it's easy to find mittens and hats. That makes me happy!" "Oh" he said. He did apologize for his part and said he was sorry for contributing to the fighting -- took him 2 days... but at least he did recognize his part.
I guess what I need to do is make a plan and incorporate time for me, time for kids, and time for him to do what he needs/wants to do. It's hard always being structured, but our family seems to do better when we have it.
