The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
We have been getting along well for the past week and a half, since I came back from my week away at my Mom's for vacation. Last night, we were talking about dinner, decided what to have. I started the potatoes in the oven, and we both went out on the deck to string fresh green beans his mom had brought over. We each had a sack of beans, a discard bowl, and a "keeper" bowl. Hub and I started talking about our friend who was just killed this past Saturday, he walked in front of a car. During the conversation, I quit using my discard bowl, and just threw the strings and bean ends back into the sack the beans I hadn't broken yet were in. No big deal to me. I came inside to finish supper, and took it out to the deck on a tray. As I sat down and started to dish up my food, he says "I got all my beans done. I was going to work on the sack you had to, but when I picked it up YOU HAD PUT THE STRINGS IN THERE WITH THE GOOD BEANS!!!! So, now, I'm not going to. I was going to, but now I'm not, that isn't how you break up beans. etc. etc. etc. I had finally had enough and said, "well, I didn't expect you to do mine too, so don't worry about it." He kept on. Nagging and nagging. I snapped. "This is how it always is with you. You LOOK for an excuse to fight with me. Stringing beans, good God, why is that a world issue, I didn't even ask you to do the sack I was working on!" I was so upset I just threw down my spoon and came inside. A few minutes later, he had cleaned off the table, and brought the tray back inside. Neither one of us ate anything. I avoided him for the rest of the evening, and went to bed at my usual time. I woke up about midnight, he was asleep on the couch, as usual.... There was a note on the kitchen counter, along with his wedding band.... "Find yourself another family if you can. 1-15-2005 DONE! Done, done, done, done! Look for #6. Moving out ASAP not paying anymore. Can't take you anymore. I don't like you and don't want to live with you. Hope you're happy! WHY SHOULD I TRY TO MAKE THIS HOUSE BETTER WHEN YOU CAN KICK ME OUT ANYTIME YOU WANT! Pay all the bills yourself. I DO NOT LOVE YOU ANYMORE. What comes around goes around.....dido.....I have tried to hang on because this house is the most I have had in my life, but it is nothing now. It means nothing to me except you can lock me out anytime you want. So I am going to lock you out of my life forever. We Will be getting a divorce and you have no choice over this matter. I don't love you anymore.
Yes, he was drinking when he wrote it. Sigh. I went ahead and went to work today. My heart is heavy. We have been thru this scene 100 times or more. It all stems from when I filed domestic violence charges on him when he accidentally hit me when he was flinging his arms around during an argument, on 1-15-2005. I only wanted to force him into treatment. Now I know better than to have crazy motives like that. He will never let it go. He tries to pick fights with me, most of the time I do not attend, but I have been so tired, so stressed over our friend's death. Too much overtime at work, and too much to do at home, and he has quit helping. So, why am I here? Why do I accept this verbal and written abuse? I work, I take care of myself and the house, pay my share of the bills. Don't fool around, not on drugs, only have a drink now and then. I love him with all my heart. I am in love with the man he used to be, the one who loved me beyond measure, who would do anything to make me happy. Now, I think he did it, because he KNEW what the future held for us, and he was trying to collect points while he could. Build up an account to draw on later. I don't know why I am writing all this, except to get the poison out of my system. I am scared, and lonely, and so tired. So very tired.
So, as usual, I will be gone, out, when he gets home, and not come home until he is asleep, if he even comes home. I don't know how much more I can hold on. Never took this much from anyone before (that is why he mentions the # 6, because he is my 5th). Sober, we get along great. There is an undercurrent of tension, though, anymore. I am trying to take care of myself. I went to work, even tho I didn't feel like it and felt close to tears all day. Thank God we left early. I am taking a shower, and getting ready to go somewhere to think. The sight of his wedding band there cut me to the quick, as it was surely intended to do. I don't want this disease to win. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Here is a thought, could be he's just using you to vent out his anger regarding the death of your friend. Just as you said you don't usually participate in his arguements but you've been stressed over this loss and he got to you.
A's are weird, lol. What your A said I've heard before myself -- He hated me because I was able to take care of myself, that was a negative thing to him. He hated that I could have peace, and he was miserable. And he punished me for something I did when I was 19 yrs old. Talk about dredging up the long lost past, every time there was an arguement it seemed to always go back to 1986-- and it still does. -shake my head-
It is insane, you do need to take care of yourself and do what is best for you. This is what I decided to do. I decided to quit giving him what he wanted. Yep, he picked the fights, he argued with insane defenses and knew how to set my brain of fired. Only when I quit giving him the reponse he was looking for he had to change what he was doing because it wasn't working on me. I didn't excuse his behavior, I just quit participating in it.
As much as we say we know our A's and we know what we can expect from them, well, they know us and how we react too. Stop the dance.
So what does he expect you to do tonight? Just think about it.
i've had letters like that, and, you know what? Three days later it was like nothing had happened. Talk about a roller coaster.
All I can offer you is - he does not control your happiness unless you let him. Sounds like he is desperately unhappy, but he would be unhappy no matter what you did.
It is a tough life when they are active. Like Luna, I have lost count of the number of times my wife has basically said the same thing... prompted by something just as trivial.
The last one of those ... I said well, you have to do what you think is right for you.
She nearly fainted, but it was not meant to create any kind of reaction or be a smart ass remark... she has messed with her wedding rings so much trying to manipulate that she has broken one and lost the other all together. I have thought and prayed about it, and if she is ready to throw in the towel, there is nothing I can do about it.
It is almost impossible to tell what he really wants.... that is why it is so important to stick firmly to what you want.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Oh Becky, what a nut . . . thank God that fate is not REALLY determined by green bean cleaning.
That feeling coming across in your post looks like despair. I sure know that feeling, my heart sinks for you. It's awful, and it seems so unnecessary.
I too have had thoughts like yours . . . the reason my A hammered me for YEARS, literally, to sell the house in CA and move to Idaho was so he could be free to raise hell and shoot his guns and act like a young fool, so he could go back to the past he had before we ever met. No responsibilities, staying high or drunk 24/7, doing whatever he wanted with no consequence.
Not!
As I detatched, my A upped the ante to get my attention, to get me to react the way I used to. I really like what Luna had to say about 'not giving him what he wants'. My A seemed to enjoy my tears and frustration. He thought it was cute. He would repeat his 'dig' until I had to leave the room in order to give him nothing. Instead of sitting there and saying to himself "Guess THAT didn't work!" he got angry and vengeful. Talk about a nut. My A didn't have what it takes to change what he was doing, and that was one of the hardest things for me to accept . . . How a person could be that dedicated to suffering and making sure others suffered too.
I don't know if this is true for everyone . . . but how long we put up with it is how long it lasts. I didn't want to spend ONE MORE MINUTE in misery over my A's behavior. A human being can only take so much. When his touch made me cringe, and I realized I was just waiting for him to die or end up in prison, it was time to end it, for my own sake.
Not every A is as sick and crazy as mine, and I really needed him gone to save my life. I think that's true for all of us, there comes a point where enough is enough, and no amount of hoping/wishing will put off the inevitable any longer.
Take care during such tough times, dear. You are in my prayers.
I have been where you are at so many times with my active A. Just a week ago I posted about a stupid argument we got into which caused him not to speak to me for days. I have come to recognize this as a control tatic. My husband and I have been together for 5 years and I couldn't even begin to tell you how many times we have separated. Our separations usually last anywhere from 5 weeks to 5 months. Forgive yourself for snapping. I've been in Alanon for a few years now and I have snapped quite a few times. It's hard to live with an alcoholic. One of the first things that comes to mind is the slogan "This to shall pass" I know when you are in the middle of a crisis you never think that it will pass, but it does. Take good care of yourself.
Sounds like something my old ah would do. He wouldn't dare talk to me that way now. This is none of my business but have you ever spoke to a counselor individually to figure out why none of your relationships work out? Something has this man upset enough to fight over green beans and I doubt it's about you having him put in jail. It has to go deeper into that. Sometimes we have a hard time admitting when we are the problem. I agree that drinking is poison to any relationship however sometimes WE are the problem in our own problem. Know what I mean? That would have killed me inside to to see his wedding band. That's very sad. Just because he's an alcoholic doesn't mean he has valid feelings and legitimate concerns. Have you ever sat and listened to him? Have you worked hard to keep this marriage? Do you blame everything on his alcoholism? Do you let him know the good things he's done? Again...I do NOT know anything about your relationship. I'm just throwing things out to think about. Any relationship is hard. I don't want to see you go through another relationship if this one is worth fighting for. Whatever you do I wish you the best. I hope you two can talk and make this a happy marriage. Your in my prayers (a special prayer for you two) My heart goes out to you. I know your pain. Lots of love to you sweetheart. xoxo
I'm sorry you are going through this. I know how much you love him.
But here's a couple of questions that I asked myself often when hubby was active: Am I lonlier with him than without him? At what point do I say ENOUGH? If recovery is about taking back my life and living the life that I so richly deserve, when I am going to start doing that? I didn't like the answers. At some point, love is not enough. I know in my heart that if hubby was still active, we would not be together. Love has nothing to do with it. It has to do with the life that was being led. I know I can't live with an active A. I wish I could but I can't. Do what is best for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Thanks for your replies. Yes, I have been in counseling before, both in this relationship, and before. MY AH will hardly talk about his life. The other night, he did open up and let me in on some of his childhood memories, both good and bad. His parents were both very religious (his dad bordered on being fanatic), and it was a very restrictive household he grew up in. To this day, he cannot STAND being told what to do, but he is very good at telling others. He did tell me his dad, who died in 1994, beat him all over with a fishing pole when he was 5, and when his mom saw what had happened to him, his father never touched him again. his surprised me....I knew his dad, and he was a kind, sweet man! You just never know. I do know my AH has a lot of resentment towards his parents for the way he was raised. Sometimes the frustration just comes out. My relationships in the past.....well, I never stayed around long enough to work on them.....three strikes and buddy, you are O-U-T. No looking back, either. I have PTSD, and depression, which I am being treated for, and which I have been hospitalized for, most recently in Oct. 2005. I had both of these things before the A was even part of my life, so I do not blame him for them. And I know I can be hard to live with! Just ask my daughter! I tend to love too much. I can smother those I love, yet I also need a lot of time alone. Getting the balance right is hard for me. I am also the daughter of an A, who died when I was 16. My parents had been divorced for 9 years when he died. I am trying to work on my recovery while still in this relationship. I have been without him, we have been separated several times (he left) and I was unable to function. So, for today, I am not lonlier with him than without him. But it still hurts like Hell. I do not know when enough will be. Tonight driving home, I just wanted to close my eyes and drift away. All I know is, I have never cared about anyone like I do him. It's crazy. Maybe I am crazy. The counselor said I had good self-esteem or I would not be able to survive the day to day battles. For now, I am home. His truck is in the driveway. His friend's truck is in the driveway, and they are both across the street at their A friend's house. He did not even come in to see me when he got home, just went over there. I have his ring in my pocket. I hate it that he doesn't have it on, but I am not going to give it to him. I may just put it up and not mention it until he asks where it has been, if he ever does. The "old me" (before Alanon) would have cried and begged him to put it back on. Ring or not. We are still married....just for today. Love in Recovery, Becky1
