The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What you are aiming for here are actions that will make your life better. So, if saying something to him about it will lead to a fight, recrimations, unhappiness, then, no, say nothing. If saying something will ease your mind, make you feel like less of a victim, a patsy, then, sure, say something.
The important part is to examine your motives, and to let go of the outcome. WHY do you want to say whatever it is you could say, and what do you really, realistically, expect to come of it? If you base your expectations on reality, rather than on wishful thinking, then it's pretty easy to know whether a course of action will do any good or not.
I used to have long, soulful "talks" with my husband. They worked out one of two ways. Depending on the state of his hangover, he would either give me nothing at all, just tell me to (ahem) "get lost", or if he was feeling remorseful, he would promise many wonderful things, tell me how sorry he was, and then a week later go off and do it again. It only took me about 15 years to realize that there was never a good outcome to these talks, and I was better off by just not going there.
I dont think there is any answer that I can give to that, and I dont know the circumstances, etc. Was he in a treatment program? If so the seed has been planted, and he knows what he has to do. In my case talking to my AH was like talking to a brick wall, or it would end up in a huge fight, giving him another reason to drink. One thing I will say is never talk to them when they have been drinking, it is totally useless and futile, and is a very volotile situation at that point. As Lin said you have to look at your motives and expectations, and decide from there to talk to him or not. I have been there , and have tried many different approaches and in my case it all failed, including my 30 + year marriage. Alcoholism is a very decietful, coniving, cunning, and confusing disease. What works for one may not work for another, however , we can only take care of ourselves at this point. I hope you are attending alanon meetings,,whether he is drinking or not, as it does help.
The answer is...it all depends. Surely you realize that your speaking to the A about this is going to have no effect one way or the other. That being said, are YOU going to feel relieved or more peaceful if you have your say? Are you going to go batty inch by inch if you say nothing? You are, after all, only speaking out for yourself. The A won't be listening.
I'd have my say no matter what; lots of others would keep quiet. It's your choice.
Best of luck,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
What it boils down to is what action or words you take and how YOU are affected.
I have done it both ways for different reasons, but the reasons had to do with me, not what my confrontation would do to him. I personally can't "live" pretending I don't know something when I do, and that involves saying something.
I stopped sleeping with my A when I realized he was using meth (he uses it IV). I saw the needle tracks while he was sitting on the couch talking to some friends. I didn't confront him about it when he got amorous either, I had to wait until I was not so volatile.
And of course it made no difference, ever, in his using or behavior. I didn't expect it to. But when he asked ME why I wouldn't sleep with him (and he did over and over until the very end) I just repeated myself like a broken record. He refused to believe it, of course, it didn't fit into his preferred system of denial. Why I wouldn't risk my physical and emotional health to have sex with him was beyond his understanding, and anyway would have put the responsibility for our sex life on him. He wasn't much of one for accepting responsibility :)
So it's all about you, and how you need to handle it for yourself. However you do that is quite fine, I know Alanon just recommends that what you do for yourself make you more peaceful, less stressed, more self caring and strong.
Take good care of you, that's the one thing you can change here.
Has anything you've ever said about his drinking made a difference?
I guess that would be the question. And who did it make a difference in, him or you? For the better or worse? If it's because you need to let him have it, will that make you feel better to release it, or does it dredge up all the old resentments that you have to deal with all over again?
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
If you don't say anything your enabling him by letting him think he's getting away with it or that you don't care and it's alright. But if you do, don't be critisizing, hurtful or argumentative. Voice your concern and opinion. Don't make idol threats either. Good luck. Lots of love.
