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I haven't posted here much but am always reading and have went to some f/t/f meetings, read all kinds of books and am getting much better after almost 2 years apart and 2 years of living together. My axbf is coming by my house today to pay me some money he owes me. i told him to mail it or just drop it off. yes I want to see him but don't know if I can handle it. It has been about 2 months since I've seen him or talked to him. I know that we can never have what we once had and that his diease is progressing so much as his appreance and attiudude tells me. I don't want the kind of person that he is now. But still, he is a real charmer. The last time we were together we talked about staying friends since we only live six streets apart and I love his 8 year old son very much, and still get to see him every now and then. We were inamate the last time I saw him after telling him that it wouldn't happen and now it has been about 2 months and its like I have the plauge or something. He has rode by my house but not stopped. his sister-in-law who lives with him came over to my house on the 4th of july, crying and telling me she couln't live like this anymore. his 27 year old daughter(drug addict & A) who lived with him tried to commit suicide on father's day. (I did real good at not letting this bother me and turned it over to my HP) No word from him. He would usually talk to me when something like that happened. Are agreement if you could call it that was to stay friends but keep in touch. His sister-in law says he isn't seeing anyone but then again I'm sure she doesn't know everything. It really doesn't matter anymore really. I just want to be able to see him and act like it really doesn't bother me that he hasn't bothered to keep in touch or talk as friends. I have compassion for him and what he is going through and knowing that what we once had can never be again. I have learned so much about myself and acoholism. I know that he has seen other women even when we were together, so i guess that is what's really bothering me is to see him knowing he is probally seeing or just screwing someone else and I'm not. Because I know from past experience with him that it is just about the sex act itself. No matter what they look like or what kind of person they are. it's just about his ego. I have learned this the hard way. It still hurts to know that me being a good woman, with a big heart who cares for him so much (and he knows this) doesn't matter. I WISH I DIDN'T CARE. I WISH I COULD FORGET I EVER MET HIM. BUT I CAN'T. PLEASE PRAY FOR ME. AND I WILL TRY AND REMEMBER EVERYTHING I HAVE LEARNT! Sis
Oh my heart is with you. I'm in that very place with my soon to be ex AH. I love him and know he can be be such a special man but....I also remember the pain of living with him, the lies and cheating. Remembering the definition of insanity is something like: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. This always helps me when I'm tempted to go back. I'm not sleeping around so times can be so lonely when we are trying to take care of ourselves in a healthy way. Please take care of yourself, read your books today, exercise.. whatever you do to care for yourself. You are worth the best in life!!
Some people will tell you to take all of the energy you are using on him and use it on yourself, and it's good advice; but your feelings are very real, and it hurts when you offer all you have to someone and it still feels like it isn't enough. It takes a big heart to wish that he finds happiness and peace without you - I'm trying to get to that place myself, and it sometimes seems very far away. Right now, maybe it's enough to know that it exists, and that we are working on getting there. Big hugs to you, and I will keep you in my prayers! Marion
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
You know the saying "you can't have your cake and eat it to"... I think it pertains to this situation. It sounds like your not going to be able to have a true friendship with this guy. It's just not going to happen, not the way YOU want it. He sounds like he has alot of baggage and wouldn't be able to give you what you need anyway. (I'm just going off of what you wrote) If you were to move on with your life and find other things to keep you busy, I bet he would not even be a thought in your mind. Sometimes when we have nothing to do we find ourselves thinking about what we used to have. We are territorial so we tend to think of our "things". Good luck and you have my prayers sweetie ^i^
Praying for you and sending you some ESH..... Perhaps by his behavior your Higher Power is showing you something you need to look at. I know how hard the breaks ups are and the unhealthiness of the disease and our interaction with the As. Trust that your HP wants you to be happy, peaceful and will always give you what you need to take you in that direction though sometimes it is not what we want. Hugs to you
