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I am in alanon but I attend an OPEN AA meeting once a week with my husband and I've been going to this meeting for a few months now. My sponsor belongs to AA and also attends this meeting. We all go out afterwards for fellowship ~
The other day I asked my sponsor if she thought it was appropriate or inappropriate for me to share at this OPEN AA meeting. She quickly answered that it would be inappropriate because "you are not one of us" ~
This has got me really upset. I felt like I belonged there and their opening even says something like "not all are alcholics but all are welcome"...
And what is this "one of us"? WE are all human beings. WE all bleed if we are cut and we all feel and we struggle and are imperfect - all of "US" ~ and ~ we all follow to the best of our ability the same 12 steps.
So - why can't I - being an alanoner - share my experience as it pertains to the steps - in an OPEN AA meeting?
They say "all are welcome" ... Well, if I "welcome" someone into my home - I may expect them to follow the "rules" (no smoking or drinking) but I certainly would not tell them they couldn't speak! Right?
Anyway ~ I have talked this out with one of my alanon pals and one of my AA pals (not my sponsor yet) and my husband (who is a 12-year recovering alcoholic) and I've gotten different views. Just wondering what you all might think of the subject.
For as long at there is a "them" and "us" ~ how are "WE" supposed to work on our relationships with each other?
I guess I just needed to vent about this a little more. Thanks for listening!
The reason I go to AA is b/c that's all there is where I live. Such a small meeting (sometimes only three folks, the AA, his Alanon and me) has enormous flexibility. Bill (the AA who started the meetings up here) just wants anyone who wants to be part of 12 step recovery to have somewhere to go.
I wonder what a group conscience at your open AA meeting would come up with?
Sometimes I do hesitate in my shares, some members are very new and just trying as hard as they can to stay sober. I probably don't need to worry, and mostly don't.
Everyone has an opinion they are entitled to, and you got your sponsor's opinion. She's one of many all with thier own thoughts on the matter. Why not find a way to ask the group formally?
I am with you , them and us just dosnt make sence to me either . but as someone told me , acceptance works and it's thier loss . I was told to not try and defend Al-Anon or explain it , just live it . that seems to work for me . It has been a problem in my area for along time . We have a gentleman here who after 35 yrs of sobriety still calls us the prog for Women of perpetual revenge . I listened to his crap for 18 yrs and finally in a birthday meeting AA he said it again and I turned to him and said , the best form of revenge is to get WELL and suggested he might try it sometime. :) I don't feel good bout that really , but was sick and tired of his disrespect and all of a sudden he remembers my name . go figure . no more smart ass remarks . Just live it works . May I ask why u have an AA sponsor ? do u not attend Al - Anon meetings for yourself >
Do you know if this is the AA group you attends format or not? Or just one person (your sponsor's) opinion?
I know when I attend open AA meetings, I rarely speak, because I feel I go to AA meetings to understand Alcoholism better. But I have on occasion talked. Sometimes I have been asked by the chairperson of the meeting if I cared to, others I just ask if it is okay with the group. I have never been told no when I have asked.
If that group has it as a "rule" that al-anon members cannot speak in meetings that is their perogative. I think as Abbyal said, it is their loss!
I know it works both ways. We learn from attending AA meetings what the A goes through. I have been approached after meetings and conferences by A's asking questions about al-anon. I talked to a gentleman from AA the other day for over an hour explaining my disease to him. I think the thing that got to him was the fact that we could be as sick as they are without us having the alcohol problem. I just told him you might have a drinking problem, but I have a thinking problem. And in reality, that is the similiarity to me. We both have thinking problems, or addicitions. Mine lead me to codependency, addicted to another person or persons. His lead him to alcohol.
One thing I will say however, if it is in fact a rule that this group has that only AA members may speak, then I would honor it myself. It IS an AA meeting. You and I both know that we are worthwhile people with something to offer. It is not about you or me that they have the rule. It is what their group decided. I don't know about you, but I know me! I have this tendency to want to talk all the time! Going to a meeting like that would just make me work on my listening skills, something my HP wants me to work on. Maybe not being able to talk is an opportunity to grow in a different way. Just a thought!
Must be a HP thing - I am having this discussion with an AA friend of mine right now.
I have received several different views from members of the AA groups that I have had the opportunity to go to their open AA meetings. It is a mixture, some feel that since it is an AA meeting only AA members should share, non-members are there only to listen - others feel that as long as the non-member sticks to the topic of the meeting it is ok to share. Neither group has a set guideline on sharing from non-members.
So in order to respect all involved, I usually only share if called on by the chairperson.
Just trying to use the "Prinicples above personalities"
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I attend 2 alanon meeting each week (usually)... but to date I have not truly found anyone that I am comfortable with in terms of doing the steps. The first time I met this lady I felt comfortable with her (my intuition felt right on) and for the most part she is fabulous!
As I mentioned sometimes I relate more at an AA meeting than I do at an alanon meeting - I don't know why that is - it just is!
I dont' think it is the groups policy and I am almost certain that if I wanted to share that nobody (other than my sponsor) would tell me "no - sit down!" - but since I am not an AA member I am not able to call for a group consience. Though, my husband can if he chooses (he may) ~
I am going to speak with my sponsor about this in a little more detail and if it is the policy of the group ~ then I may choose to not attend that meeting since it goes against my principles. We'll see.
About the learning to listen comments you made ~ Point well taken. I do like to talk (I'm a teacher after all!) However - since attending this meeting I have never really felt the need to share and very much attend wanting to learn as you put it However - this one time I really felt like I could share on the topic that was being discussed and I didn't because I wasn't sure if it was okay or not.
I could probably go another 2 or 3 months and not have the urge to share - however - just knowing that my thoughts are not truly welcome at that meeting makes me feel disrespected or at the very least not valued or validated - and that is why I may choose to stop attending that meeting (Part of my program includes surrounding myself with positive people who care about me - all of me, including what I have to say!)
Hi great that u attend Al-Anon meetings for yourself both programs work great together . I am at the moment emeshed in an Alateen Confrence that our district teens are holding here next week . A few weeks ago a husb of one of our members took posters to the AA office in our city , they were handed back to him with a reply that this is an OUTSIDE ISSUE . Our children are an outside issue ???? go figure . He was outraged at the response he recieved but also realizes that there is nothing we can do about it except rise above it . We are holding AA meetings and Al-Anon meetings at the confrence and speakers from all of our programs . This is a family disease and together we can all recover . unfortunatley most dont feel that way . My attitude has always been WE got sick together , we can heal together . I am an optomist by nature . hehe I too relate to AA members (women ) the only diff is that I didn't drink . I have come to understand that I have the ISMS we all talk about . Keep going to your meetings hopfully u will begin to feel more comfy . In AA meetings I found I could hide from me . didn't have to share what was going on with me but eventually decided that AA was still about HIM and I had done enough trying to figure him out . so I got back to just al anon and keep the focus on myself .
Just a suggestion? If you are not alcoholic but are affected by someone elses drinking...go into your own program. If you identify as the spouse of an alcoholic that has been affected by it, don't follow him into AA and try to be a part of his recovery. Since you didn't get him sober what are you going to share with the bunch of other drunks. Your sponsor is truthful and you are hurt by her truth. You are not one of them and you don't know what they have been thru in this disease, what has happened inside of them and what it is like now to live without the chemical alcohol.
The point about getting an Al-Anon sponsor is that an Al-Anon sponsor knows where you have been, what you have done and why, and how to use the program to change all the non-workable stuff. Getting an AA sponsor to me when I am a qualified member of the Al-Anon Family Groups is not workable. I will not get what it is that I say I need...peace of mind and serenity. It is not working an honest program.
I attend Al-Anon as a qualified member of this program having been born and raised in this disease and having tried for 30+ years to accomodate, rescue and support the sick family members. I then went on to marrying that type of person. I was taught to enable those who made no honest attempt at living a healthy self empowered life. I was taught that doing this work was the highest form of endeavor. I attend AA because a part of my enabling including drinking with the alcoholics in my life and becoming addicted myself inspite of my awareness that I didn't like it.
If you are not alcoholic you're not alcoholic.
We have a woman here who attends AA meetings with her husband and just loves to announce "....(her name) Al-Anon 35 years" She doesn't attend any Al-Anon meetings and when I asked her about that she used blaming others to justify not attending or supporting in anyway the program she claims. On the other hand she makes it known in the AA meetings that she has more time than her AA husband and she says it louder and with more empathis. Of course it is clear that she has still got him in her clutches and within her eye sight. Of course it is clear that the leash is still attached to his neck and that it will be a rare meeting he will attend alone.
In spite of all we are taught in this program we still have the ability and the opportunity to disregard it and do the same things over and over again expecting different results.
I think that your AA sponsor is a person who has just befriended you if she is not also a member of the AFG and has been working this program honestly. Sponsorship goes beyond friendship, way beyond. I have found that when my sponsees start feeling that we were friends the effectiveness of sponsorship went away. I love them and I leave them too.
Keep coming back...there is soooo much to learn. (((((hugs)))))
I attend two Al-Anon meetings weekly as well as two Nar-anon meetings weekly. On occasion I also attend open AA meetings. That is a lot of meetings weekly but I have yet to come home having not gained something from the meeting.
I always ask for permission to speak, adding that I will not be offended if they say NO, prior to speaking at an open AA meeting. I have never been told no and in all cases the group has welcomed my opinion on the subject being discussed.
I read a post some time ago on this board where a member had posted that an old timer had said to them "Our rooms will never become so full that we will be granted the luxury of hiring a bouncer to police our membership." In other words, if you walk in the room you are welcome. The reason you are there is between you and your higher power and it is your option to share that or not.
This world is full of a lot of different people and as many different opinions. Personally I feel that we are all in the 12 step program and we are there to find our own recovery. If the opinions voiced by someone are beneficial to me, I take it with me. If they aren't I leave it there.
My husband and I chair an Al-Anon meeting which is held at our church. A few months ago an AA meeting was added. I was approached by the minister of the church offering to add the information about the meetings to the marquee. I called AA hqs and was told there was no problem with it that we are anonymous not invisible so no there was no problem in saying yes. I also called Al-Anon hqs and was told that it would be fine. However, the following day I got another call from Al-Anon hqs telling me that it would be a violation of a member's anonymonity by having the information on the marquee. Both groups had a group conscious meeting and decided not to have the information displayed on the marquee.
My point in sharing this is that it all boils down to opinions and everyone has one.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Well, I don't know how you all work it over the pond...But in the UK..... We have whats called an "open meeting" once a month where I live.....It consists of a top table......A chairperson, An AA member and an Al-Anon member.
Chair starts meeting, AA shares then Al-Anon then break. Then they return to "open chat", that lets ANYONE in the room, ask questions to the top table, or comment about the meeting.. Thats AA or Al-Anon members talk.....
I must honestly say In my time in the fellowship I have heard some women who are "Bitter" towards AA...An hold a resentment. But thats their opinion only.....
All AA members I have met, have been so pleasent, and welcome us to their meetings.....They call us their extended family..And thats kind of special.
When I went to my first open AA meeting they invited me to come to the closed meeting too, so I get the 12 step program more readily. When I go they changed their script to say this is a closed meeting, look around and say or open. If they catch me laughing under mt breath they will say, "OK spill it". We have had entire meetings that have turned "to the other side". The different perspective, is appreciated. And at times when there is another A in the house that is not in the program, I am able to teach them about Al-anon and point out that they 2 programs. NA welcomes me as well. Many of these people attend a 12 step anyway they can get it, so I was welcomed to do the same. When I share, I share on the Al-anon side of things, how the topic directly relates to me, no bitching/bashing the the A. I keep the focus on me, the way we are suppose to.
I'm sure it will completely differ in other areas, so you should test the waters, or have them discuss it a business meeting. They may surprise you, these people know exactly what they have done to their families. Learning from both sides has been a real asset to my life.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Interesting response from your sponsor, and I wonder if that is their "personal" response, or the group conscience way of looking at the world? I would hope that it is their personal opinion only. I have always felt welcomed and encouraged to share at open AA meetings - typically the groups get a lot out of hearing what the "other side" goes through.
Just my experience... Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I just told him you might have a drinking problem, but I have a thinking problem. And in reality, that is the similiarity to me. We both have thinking problems, or addicitions. Mine lead me to codependency, addicted to another person or persons. His lead him to alcohol.
I have this tendency to want to talk all the time! Going to a meeting like that would just make me work on my listening skills, something my HP wants me to work on. Maybe not being able to talk is an opportunity to grow in a different way. Just a thought!
However - this one time I really felt like I could share on the topic that was being discussed and I didn't because I wasn't sure if it was okay or not.
