The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A fellow member and I have been friends for a couple years. He had told me that he wanted to be more than friends. I told him I was not interested in anything other than friendship. He moved away 8 months ago to another state and I hadn't heard anything from him. Recently he e-mailed me and told me he was coming here for his sister's birthday party. He invited me to the birthday party. I accepted and showed up yesterday with my daughter for the celebration. He told me that I was mean to him and he deleted me from his e-mail address book and phone. I asked him what I said that was so mean and he didn't remember. He then proceeds to tell me that he wants to have a family and that he would love for me to move in with him. If you can't tell me when something bothers you and then cut me out of your life with no explanation, then how in the world are you mature enough to make a marriage and family work? I didn't come to Alanon to find a husband or relationship. I came for me. I started feeling really angry. This is when I knew my boundaries of no to a relationship were not being respected. If you can't respect my boundaries, then you are not healthy for me nor is the friendship. This lack of respect for my boundaries tells me that you are dangerous for me. I say this because my ex didn't respect my boundaries then wound up raping me. I used to make up all kinds of excuses....he/she didn't mean it, they are really a nice person deep down, etc. I'd rather be alone than with someone who is toxic for me. Boundaries have shown me who is good for me and who is toxic for me.
Great share. What hits for me right off is how simple and effective this idea is.
I've had a life time of difficulties with boundary bashers, and didn't recognized it as a warning sign. My father, an alcoholic, had other mental health issues and would become physically violent when one of us stood up for ourselves or told him NO.
To this day I feel a "clunk" in my stomach when I recognize someone is being inappropriate. As I've gotten older I also have natural and healthy aversion to someone with outrageously poor boundaries, and can deal with them politely.
What never really occurred to me until reading your post is that I am "accustomed" to staying boundariless out of fear of retribution or rejection. Now and then I get confused around certain people, and don't trust myself to "know" whether they mean well or not.
I guess the answer to this is that it is MY responsibility to take care of my boundaries. If someone violates a boundary, it is informative to me, and I can make choices based on this information. I can see how using this "tool" you are sharing with us can replace much confusion and fear in relationships.
I felt "icky" yesterday while I was there. He kept playing with my daughter and watching for my reactions. The compliments kept piling up. It felt more like manipulation than sincere compliments. He kept trying to persuade me to move to another state and that my daughter would be happy in a healthy environment. This comment pissed me off. I was thinking to myself, "Who are you to say what is good for my daughter?" You don't know my daughter, nor do you have the right to say what is best for anyone but yourself." Now I remember what happened 8 months ago. He started this stuff back then and I asked him what made him feel he thought he knew what I should do with my life. He didn't say a word and said he had to go. This is what he was referring to me as being mean. When I was leaving he made a comment that I didn't have to bring a birthday present. I felt like screaming, "I know I didn't have to but I chose to. Stop telling me what I should and don't have to do. Back off!" Instead of thinking there was something wrong with me feeling angry, I knew I was feeling angry because I was being manipulated and my boundaries being ignored.
I also have a problem with establishing boundaries and then sticking to them. I have four brothers and sisters, and all of them are very good at standing up for themselves - something that I've never been. I feel physically ill when I think of having to confront someone, even in a polite way, about my boundaries that I feel they have crossed. I'm trying to find the healthy difference between being "nice", but not being a doormat. Al-Anon has already helped me just by my thinking about it, whereas before, I would let anyone do just about anything, then judge them for motives they may not have even had. Kissers, I think your gut feeling is dead on. If you think it felt like manipulation, whether he was doing it consciously or not, your reaction is understandable. Maybe the change happening in you through Al-Anon is that you have set boundaries and are now recognizing when they are being ignored. Good for you!
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Vocatus atque non vocatus, Deus aderit ("Bidden or not bidden, God is present") - Erasmus
Kissers . . . . ewww! My creep-o-meter beeped on that one.
A person who is that manipulative, whether conscious of it or not (and I do believe many aren't aware they are manipulating) is trouble, at least for me. As I grow in the program, I hope to be able to gracefully handle situations like this and detatch from any wonky reactions the other person might have :) .
I try to imagine how a healthy person with healthy boundaries would interact with such a one as Kisser's "friend" . . . and then act like that.
Very good and what strength. We are so vulnerable and it was not fair for this guy to say some of these things to you. You handled yourself very well. There's a time and a place and he was for sure off on both. Usually woman with your strength and wisdom will scare of these preditors. Keep taking care of yourself sweetie. I admire you for your strength. Thanks for sharing. You really know how to set boundaries....GO GIRL!!! lol
I grew up having my boundaries bombarded. Its taken me years to listen and watch. I've had to say though that I've really had to look at my own boundaries rather than just that of the other people aroundme. I have to work on them daily.
Hooray for you!! Good job of looking out for and respecting yourself.He is obviously not seeing who you really are but some image of who he thinks you are.
