The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i am so glad someone in my al anon homegroup suggested this message board. i have been going to meetings again for about 3 months. went for over ten years and took about 2 yrs off. it is nice to be back. i am focusing more on me and not my a. my issue is i am a great enabler to all, not just my husband. i have a wonderful friend from alanon. she is extremely sweet, however she is very needy and clingy. she always needs to borrow money, she does not do for herself. she sits in her own tears, because she is married to an a. we met years ago, hadn't seen each other since i stopped going to meetings. when we ran into each other it was like no time had passed at all. like i said she is very sweet, i just can't stand to be around her negativity, and i certainly can not continue to give her money and food. she comments about how people just don't understand what it is like not to have stuff. she is envious of people going on vacations, and people who have nice clothes and cars. not to sound harsh, but people educated themselves. i was a waitress, she remembers how i used to work 12 plus hours 6 days a week just to survive, because my husband was doing nothing. i managed to go to college, now have a great job which i love, and make a nice living. she did not go to any kind of training and is unfortuntely stuck with minimum wage. she has no desire to get any training either. she sits in pity and takes whatever clothes money and food she can get from the kindness of people in meetings. i don't want to be rude to her, as she is hyper sensitive. i need positive people. i believe that negitive attitudes are contagious. she constantly bashes her husband, not that my a is perfect, but i make an effort everyday to notice the good in him. any imput would be appriciated.
Hi Rita- welcome to our site. It is very helpful and a good adjunct to f2f. You sound like you are doing fantastic. Unfortunately, the need to stay on our program never goes away. It sounds like you know what you need to do with her-- apply your program skills. Like they say- if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you always got. I find negative people are like a vortex in a whirlpool. They suck the joy out of everything.
take care and welcome again- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Hi Rita, this board is a great adjunct to face to face meetings. I'm in a very rural area, with only AA meetings, but as one member has suggested, myself and the other Alanon have talked about starting an Alanon meeting up here.
I have had acquaintances like your friend. It's sad and aggravating at the same time. The relationship is lopsided, a two way street with a lane blocked off. It can be draining for sure.
Since we can't do anything to "change" them anymore than our alcoholic or ANYONE, I try to keep very concrete boundaries with the needier folks. I try to accept them exactly as they are. I'm surprised that I can tolerate them better by just accepting them and not engaging in the "fix me" conversations. If they want help, and I can give it and want to give it, I do. I have a box o' pat responses if I don't have it or don't want to give it. I know about the hypersensitivity, but it's truly their own responsibility to manage their lives and feelings, not mine. I can't control who likes me, doesn't like me, or what effect I have on them. When I get angry, my kids stand at attention and my A laughed and thought I was cute. It's on the other, not me, to feel about me and do what they wish.
I really believe we see what we are looking for, but sometimes our vision needs correction :D . They have their own HP just like me, so I don't have a responsibility to them beyond decency and human kindness. The rest I do my best to let go. I'm giving you my 'ideal' response, I'm far from perfect at anything too. But it helps ME cope with inappropriate needs and demands.
Hey, glad you are here! This is a great bunch of people, I don't know what I'd do without them. And I HATE to think of where I'd be right now without this program. Ugh!
I just quit talking to a friend of mine yesturday for this same thing, I swear. I'm brutally honest though and told her I was tired of always hearing her cry and her making herself out to be a victim. She has three beautiful children to whom she should NOT be a mother to if you ask me. I've watched her baby for a year without ever asking for a dime even though I could have used it, she never offers yet pays a sitter....She drops off the baby and says she'll be gone for two hours and then five, six, seven hours later she comes with some lame excuse. I just finally had it and told her that our relationship is more take on her part and I was tired of giving and she was bringing me down and I don't need that in my life. I tried my hardest and I believe when any relationship is that darn hard it's time to end it. We ended it a Talk to you later.....And it's a rap and I have to no longer think about it again. I will miss her kids dearly but I have my own I need to be a mother to and not be in a pissy mood. Good luck with you. Sometimes you just have to shut down the poison that's in your life. I hope you find the strength. Good luck sweets
So glad you decided to join our family - it is a wonderful place for support, love and encouragement.
It is sad, but just like some A's don't truly ever surrender themselves entirely to a true program of Recovery and Change - some "family members" don't either.
For me, I have to try my hardest to detach with healthy compassion and take care of myself - This is an area I struggle with, but with the help of my HP, Al-Anon, and my MIP family - I know I'm getting better - One Day at a Time - Hope the same happens for you.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy, Rita G.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
i've been going through some of the growth spurt stuff myself. I recently contacted a mutual friend of mine who I was in another group with for years. I felt wonderful but noticed how incredibly negative she is about a friend who really carried her for a few years. The friend literally took her into her home and fed her and paid for all her bills for more than a year. Now the friend is truly struggling and she doesn't have that much compassion for her.
I feel pretty ambivalent because on the one hand I really do feel we have had a lot in common. On the other hand I do notice, as with the A, the relationships she has are always dictated by her. She recently lost a room mate because she was pretty obnoxious. I've been on a roller coaster with her some because when my mother died she was awful to me.
I do think growth spurts are hard things. The woman who I share a house with is immensely codependent really struggles with boundaries. At one point I really liked her and could empathise with her. Now I feel incredibly irritated by her. Last night I ended up telling her to stop asking me the same thing over and over.
Boundaries can be immensely difficult for all of us.
Welcome to the MIP family. I have the feeling you're just as sweet as our other beloved Rita.
I'm sorry you're friend can't seem to move on. Like you, many years ago, I decided to stay away from people who were so negative that they were bringing me down. (This was long before I was involved with an A. ) It meant that I turned my back on lots of my relatives and some old friends. But I couldn't stand how they would wallow in their own self pity. I think feeling sorry for oneself is fine to an extent. Because it allows us to grow and move on providing we want to do that. Yes, it can be overwhelming and frightening. But what they don't realize is how liberating and empowering it can be.
Many moons ago in college I was struggling with my honors thesis. I was ready to give up when a friend sent me a quote: REPLACE THE WORD PROBLEM WITH THE WORD CHALLENGE. I have no idea who said it. But it changed my attitude completely. A PROBLEM, to me is overwhelming and daunting. A CHALLENGE can be fun. People have the habit of running away from their problems. Ever know anyone to run from a challenge?
I think you can kindly detach with love from your friend. For instance, if she asks for money, tell her you just don't have it to spare. You might consider giving her a list of agencies that can help her. I know it sounds like enabling. But perhaps it's a more gentle way of pushing her in the right direction. Make it clear to her that it is up to her to make the phone calls, etc. I too, don't like being around people who bash their As continuously. It makes my skin crawl. But then in general I don't like people who do that anyway, addict or not. I'm sure you will be able to distance yourself from her w/o being mean. I've always loved the line: "Gee, I'm sorry I am so swamped at the moment, perhaps another time." It lets people down without making them feel "blown off".
Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
