The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi al-pals, I'm on vacation at the beach in a lovely condo that has HBO! Wow -- what a treat! Last night, we watched "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." It was such a nice chick flick... about some young women (aged 17yrs?) who deal with various issues with the help of this pair of pants which they believe makes things happen.
One of the issues that really hit me and really made me weep was the girl whose father left her mother and found a new woman to marry and a new perfect family. The father seemed to ignore the daughter and her needs and she tolerated so much hurt from him. She stuffed her hurt and didn't express it to him b/c she loved him so much. She thought there was something wrong with her that made him ignore her and take on this new family. (God, I related so much!).
her girlfriend made her call her dad and express her feelings of anger directly to him. When she did, her dad said, "I'm so sorry."
Tears just streamed down my face.
I've been a year in counseling and been working very hard on accepting who my father is. He is not a good dad to me. He didn't pay attention to what was happening to me when he was in our home, and he pretended when his new wife was drunk and high... and didn't take care of things. When she finally got clean and sober, life was good for him and he just seemed to ignore me. I think because I call a spade a spade... because I expect a person to do the right thing... I rock the boat with my forthrightness and questions... I know he hates conflict and that's what I seem to bring up for him. So, in my head I understand what the estrangement is all about. I know with my program I need to detach from him (e.g. get off his back, get out of God's way, get on with my life)... but in my heart is still a little girl who feels the loss of a father. I guess that's what the tears were... still some grief.
I read a post called "Letting Go" by Kissers today and it was so great. Really struck me about healing the underlying issues that cause me fear. I guess that underlying issue is still there because the tears fell so easily. I guess it was good b/c I have been backing off the counseling for a little while and well, maybe it's time to go back. I just wonder if I'll ever get over those feelings of grief over the loss of my father and mother and my family of origin.
Today I struggle with this relationship w/ my dad and his wife, I am estranged from my mother. My AH's parents have both passed and so we have only our 2 young children and my brother in law. I guess I should feel happy we have this little family and that we are working so hard to be a happy and functional family...but sometimes, I feel like I need parental support and guidance and love... feel like an orphan sometimes.
Anyway, I am grateful for my two young sons who bring us such delight and joy. I guess I should stop trying to get any of that from my father who just cannot give it. Can't get bread from a hardware store, right?
Anyway, thanks for being here... thanking God for free wireless internet access and you!!! hugs, Lee Ann
I really liked that movie also - thought it was so wonderful at showing how we sometimes compare our insides to others outsides- that we are comparing apples to oranges. The truth is that on the outside we all look different, but the inside we are all the same - we all have hurts, needs, wounds, talents, joys, sorrows and fears.
That is what I thought the pants represented. Each girl LOOKED different on the outside, but on the inside there were some of the same emotions.
I hate for you that your relationship with your parents is not as it should have been. Yes, you can't get bread from a hardward store, but you still need bread - So glad that you are looking for "bread" in other healthy ways to have your emotional needs met. Keep reaching out for that love and support.
Wishing you serenity & joy, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thank you Rita, I really liked your interpretation of the "Pants". :) Your response also gave me some perspective as I was starting toward the pity pot... think I'll sit (or think) on something else instead!!! :)
You're right I think about each of us... we each have our story, our talents, things we have to deal with and things we enjoy, things we all hope for, things we grieve for... thanks for reminding me because sometimes, like that one girl, I feel like I am the only one with this deep pain. And truth is, there are others who carry far worse pain than me. I've basically survived childhood, now is my opportunity to make the most of my life and seek the joys and dreams I want to for myself and for my kids.
I guess at some point, one has to choose to feel the pain, let go of it and not pick it back up... move one and do the best one can. I'll try to remember not to pick that pain back up.... Lord knows I've spent alot of time, tears, and money! (in counseling on and off over a period of 20 years!) so it's time for me to really embrace my life and my family -- who is my husband and my two boys.
I guess grieving the loss of any parent, whether the loss be through death, divorce, separation, or choice, it's a life long process and missing the person I once loved will always be there to some degree. Maybe that was the reason for some of my tears. And maybe it's okay to cry sometimes when I feel that.
Thanks for your thoughtful reply! hugs and peace be with you, Lee Ann
How did I miss this thread??? I do movie therapy a lot. I have a lot of different movies, some comedies, dramas, documentaries, that I'm very attatched to, like a good book. I've watched them all a bazillion times. There is something about each one of them that I relate to. I'm embarassed to admit it, but here I can admit anything :D , but my favorite movies are movies like Hook, Mrs. Doubtfire, Contact . . . all are about healing the wounded self.
I love audiobooks too, and have several I put on at night to fall asleep by. My mother used to read to us, and I still remember how nice that was, so I lay there all comfy and secure and 'get read to'.
There's something about listening to other's stories, even fictional ones, that helps me connect to the bigger picture and reflect upon myself.
I posted a while back about the movie Groundhog Day . . . where they grouchy irritable guy finds himself living the same day over and over again until he changes himself from the inside. A lot like the slogan Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes. Since changing the world and it's occupants is not possible, I change myself. Powerful stuff.
Glad I posted then - because I saw it a little bit older post & I almost didn't respond - Thanks HP for that extra nudge.
Yes, I agree grieving the loss of a parent or the pains of childhood can take a lifetime - there will be seasons I remember the sadness, the pain, the hurts and then there will be times I remember something good, something happy, something peaceful - it may not have to do with that parent, but it will just be a reminder that my HP was with me, even way back then.
Kim - I love movie therapy - maybe I'll start a Thread about Favorite Movies - see what kind of movie buffs we have in our family.
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thanks for sharing your story; the issues sound so similar to mine. I too had to grieve my childhood and felt like I would never ever stop crying. But eventually I have. I've found that I need to be responsible for my needs and sometimes it means finding a healthy mom or dad figure to nurture the little girl in me. I've come to appreciate my parents for who they are and all that they are capable of being and not to expect much more from them. i love them immensely and my bitterness, anger, sadness and hostility are healed. I can honestly say today, thank my HP, that I see them with more compassion, kindness, gentleness and love. Keep working your program - it works. Thanks for the movie suggestion - I will put it on my list - and I may cry too! :)
