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So, Matt got out of rehab today. He called me, and we were talking, and every time he starts talking about things he had to do or still has to do I start crying. I just can't handle it anymore. He has to live with his grandparents because they feel if he just goes home he'll relapse, which I would expect of most people, but Matt put himself in rehab, and once he got over the immediate physical addiction he was ok. He doesn't want to drink anymore, he loves the way he feels, and he's angry nobody told him he couldn't go home until about three days ago. He feels like his reward for making a mature decision and bettering himself was to be treated like a child and shoved off somewhere. And I feel the same way. I hate how the rehab center treats him like everyone else, it seems like they don't do anything on an individual basis, they just assume everyone is the same and needs the same treatment. It makes me so angry. And I just can't stand hearing about what he went through. I feel horrible because I know how miserable he was going through it, but it tears me apart inside to think about it or hear it.
We were supposed to hang out tomorrow but his family made an appointment for him (without asking him) and his grandfather is giving him some work to do (without asking him) so now he can't even see me for most of the day. I'm afraid right now that the strain of this is going to be too much for me. My emotional and mental health has been deteriorating since he left. I love him, and I even think about marrying him someday, but I feel like this whole thing is going to destroy our life together. I hate myself for not being able to handle this and for letting it get in the way of our relationship. I hate that the first thing he has to deal with after rehab is my emotional trainwreck. I can't even talk to him on the phone for two minutes without starting to cry. I was sure that once he got home everything would be all right, but I think I'm getting worse.
hello Kiddo , please get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting quick , u need support thru this too , you don't have to do this alone anymore . the best way to support our partners efforts at recovery is to get our own program and stay outta thier face . You say he is ok now that physical addiction is gone , well I don't thinks so he is in Stark Raving Sober mode , head going in all diff directions , and his grandparents are implying that you are the problem so they won't let him come back home ????? he is a big boy he can make his own decissions . As for the treatment centre well basically they are all the same , diff circumstances , diff life styles yes but they are alcoholic and will be for the rest of thier lives this disease does not go away , but with a concentrated effort on his part he can keep it arrested . this is alcoholism not wasm. Can they change ? absolutley. Please find a meeting for yourself he will find his own way in AA . hopefully he will not try to do this on his own . goodluck Louise
Dealing with this disease is too much for any of us to handle. After a while it becomes so emotionally taxing that the non-addicted people in the A's lives begin to feel like their losing it too. That is part of this disease. It takes and takes not just from the A but from the family,spouses, friends. It is relentless. IMHO the best thing you can do for your loved one is to help you feel better. If you have a F/F meeting in your area maybe give that a try. Begin taking care of the things you love and need to do for your life. Your loved one will have to do the same for himself. If his family is not respecting his time, then it is up to him to set those boundaries with them. Don't know his or your situation but he might decide that living there is not the best thing for his recovery. His recovery is 100% percent up to him as well as yours. I am learning this as well in my home. Early recovery is not easy. My AH is having to learn how to live his life all over again sober. Some days he just wants to be alone and away from everyone I have to give him that time and space. Some days I just want to be left alone and take care of me. Spend some quiet time with you if you can and do something for yourself today that you enjoy that gives you peace. These are just suggestions, please take what you like and leave the rest.
Peace to you, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Matt needs to focus on himself right now and you're right, the last thing he needs is to have to deal with is your emotional pain. He wasn't able to deal with his own, thus he drank, I doubt he could really give you what you need.
Getting your own help is so important. It will help Matt too, if you are "there" for him rather than "needing" him for your own support.
The rehab I worked in frequently suggested a neutral living situation right after rehab. Matt may feel OK, and that is fantastic, but he is still fragile. He still has to learn coping skills for the real world. Staying sober in rehab is easy, but once he's out, you can guess what I mean.
Louise is so right, what are you going to do for yourself? The best gift we can give our alcoholic is our own wellness. Good luck to both of you!
The rehab does not treat him as special, because he isn't. Sorry. Most of them put themselves in there, and most of them are drinking again by the end of the first month.
Early sobriety is hard work - this is the hardest thing he will ever do. He has a life threatening disease, and if he does not find recovery, it will kill him. Beating the physical addiction is the easy part - now he needs to learn how to be a healthy person, facing all the frustrations and troubles of real life, on his own without the crutch he has learned to depend on. He probably has almost no coping skills - most A's don't.
That's his life, his recovery. It's not yours. If he really does sober up finally from this, and start to get healthy, he will still always be an A - he will be struggling with the personality and the 'isms' for his whole life. Unless you get some recovery for yourself, learn to separate your emotions from his, his disease can still destroy you. You're right, he does not need to deal with your emotional breakdown right now, on top of everything else. So, don't make him deal with it. He has somewhere neutral to go, he has work to do. So do you. The person who should be dealing with your trainwreck it you - it is your responsibility. There are things you can do to help yourself get better, there are places to go to get help.
I'm not trying to be harsh - I have been where you are. I have felt that my insides were scooped out and the hole was filled with pain. It's no way to live, and you don't have to live that way. You can get better, but only if you stop thinking about him, and start thinking about you. ((((kiddo)))) it CAN get better.
Matt is absolutely insisting that I come to him with my problems. I'm telling him repeatedly that he shouldn't have to deal with my problems on top of his, but he's all "I'm your boyfriend and you should come to me about whatever's bothering you, I want to help you." (He's a psych major, he has a sort of "helping people" thing. He's also jealous that I talk so much to my other friends, some of whom are male.) He pretty much hounds me until I tell him some of what's going on, and then he asks for more. And what really drives me nuts is, when I say how hard it was/is for me, he minimizes whatever I say because I wasn't the one in rehab. I don't think he's trying to minimize what I'm saying, but that's what's happening.
In his young adult male group, almost everyone there was there because their parents put them there. I think maybe adults are more willing to put themselves in, but these were college age kids. Or maybe it was just the group he was with, but he was definitely in the minority.
wow I can relate. I have to check my expectations at the door a lot. The A got a place to live I expected him to have it together like yesterday. A friend today pointed out it is a long long haul.
I hope you are going to be kind to yourself. I also hope you are going to learn that it is ok to talk here. This place has been a real support to me during so much drama and difficulty.
Getting over the immediate physical addiction does NOT make a person okay. The drinking is only a symptom of this disease.
Rehab is a terrific start to recovery! Notice I said 'start'. It's just a tiny dent in learning how to cope without alcohol, how to live life on life's terms. It's not uncommon for folks to come out of rehab on that pink cloud, feeling great, that life is good and they are ready to take it all on.
Then real life sets in and that's the true test of whether the A sticks with recovery or not.
You say he wants you to talk to him about everything. I caution you. He is like a baby in diapers who has a LONG ways to go in learning how to deal with his own issues, let alone yours.
The biggest help we can be to anyone is to work on ourselves and our recovery from the effects of this disease.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
