The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone....I am back writing and feeling the need to really find comfort and understanding and awareness here. My 7 month sober BF of the past year and a half moved out for good 2 days ago. Well he is not sleeping here and all his things are in the basement....they too will be gone in a wwk or two...I know I have to set a date....it is hard. My emotions are so deep and strong....anger, shame, sadness, dumbstruck. This disease of addiction for both the user and the codependant is shocking to me. I am feeling it differently now than ever before because the dark cloud has at least lifted (certainly not gone) and there is no more hour to hour drama occupying my attention. He is gone because I want a more peace and productivity and reliability and mutual growth in my life. Why did I tolerate the anger,verbal abuse,mistrust,lack or responsibility and reliability? Why did I find that acceptable in a partner? Why did I allow my little girls to see me model this? I would never want them to tolerate behavior like his in a relationship? I have been thinking what a parasite he was.....but I was the willing host....and I got something out of that dysfunction....and it worries me. Very humbling. Very sad.
Not to mention I loved/love him and he lived here for the past year and a half and this change is hard. My heart is broken.
I am keeping busy with friends and my kids and my work and feeling thankful for every moment of peace. But I feel my relapse and pain right behind me and right in front of me.
Therefore, I try and stay in the moment. Doing the next right thing for ME. Thanks for teaching me how to do this over the past months.
Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, but for me the longer my A has been out of my life the more I ask myself the same questions.
I'm so glad for you, it's such a relief to have your life back. Another MIP member made a comment that hit home for me . . . she's great in a crisis, and falls apart after. The A's been gone for a month now and I watch myself spin in circles. I tell myself Easy Does It! , I've been through a lot, and though I'm relieved it's "over" it's only just begun. For ME.
It's just becoming more and more clear how tolerating the A as long as I did is a symptom of something I need to work on in myself, so I need the program more than ever.
You're ALMOST in the same situation that I am right now. I'm just minus the kids to have to worry about.
My bf who has been living with me for 8 months now was fine in the beginning. Then, wanted a drink now and then. Okay, NP. Then it got to be a LOT, then a LOT every night.
He had some physical problems that I knew about when I met him. I don't really mind care GIVING. This is ENABLING though, with him falling down, nearly setting things on fire, stumbling around breaking things. The problem is that it's sometimes hard to tell the difference between DRUNK and really in need of care - I have problems with the sense of smell, and he's legitimately GOT neurological problems that may need care.
It's gotten to the point that it's a physical hazard to myself, and my pets and neighbors if he burns the place down - and it's a REAL concern when he's passing-out drunk with a lighted cigarette, or nearly so and WANTS a smoke.
I talked to a girlfriend who is about 10 years clean in NA. Her suggestion is that next time he's acting like that, I'm not sure, he's denying being drunk, don't THREATEN to call 911. Just call them, and tell them what YOU observe. They and a hospital can determine how much of the problem is what.
I've been in Alanon before, over a fiance about 20 years ago. I'm an adult child of 2 alcoholics. It's past time for me to get back into it. There's no listing for Al-anon in my local phone book, but I've called and left a message with AA to help me contact Alanon OR to help direct me to an open AA meeting.
Step 1 all over again: Admitting I'm powerless over alcoholism and my life has become unmanagable.
Sometimes it helps to think of it as feeling the loss of what could have been. I mourned the loss of something that I never really had but wanted so much.
Today you are aware, you know what reality is, you've decided to let the fantasy go and that is huge. You're now on the path of discovery, discovering what it is you want -- and how you can get your needs met in a healthy way. You are mindful of your childrens perception -- so you have also become a teacher of healthy traits....way to go! You are braking a cycle so they hopefully won't step into a relationship where they sacrifice so much of themselves.
You will grieve, you are letting go of something you wanted, hoped would be. But more than anything, you were willing to sacrifice that relationship to have something better. You are worth it. Remember the three A's, You became Aware, Accepted that things weren't good for you and your girls and you took Action.
Be kind to yourself. When my A left I felt so many emotions -- it was like wave after wave. I was angry at him for not being what I thought he should be, I was angry at myself for what I had allowed to happen and what I had become. I worried about my kids, I was sad.....the list goes on and on. Take it one day at a time and keep moving forward a little each day.
