The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I was talking to my best friend on the phone, and somehow we got on the topic of drinking, etc. Well anyway, I told him that I worried about him because he showed signs of early alcoholism, and he said, "Well so do you." I asked what he meant, and he said that I had gotten drunk almost every night for about two weeks. Now, I had been out of town for that entire time with friends my age, so we drank a lot. I hadn't behaved like this before and I don't plan on doing it again, for obvious reasons. So he asked what his signs were, and I said that his ridiculously high tolerance was a bad sign. (This guy can drink an amazing amount and still pass as sober to anyone who doesn't know otherwise.) He told me that was "bullshit" and a really stupid thing to say, and that I needed other reasons.
I'm pretty irritated with him. He's been really understanding and supportive of me since my boyfriend went to rehab, and I thought he'd listen to me since I'm reading about alcoholism and obviously dealing with it on a personal level. If this was someone else I'd call it denial, but I know him very well, and he just plain doesn't believe me (and thus doesn't believe any of the research). He just thinks he has a high tolerance and that's how his body is. For all I know, maybe that's how it is... some people just have a naturally high tolerance, right?
I'm not really sure what to do now, I feel kind of betrayed. I don't really care about the accusation part because I know what I did was stupid and I also know I won't do it again, but his flat out refusal to listen to me was pretty unexpected. I don't know why. I'm just kind of hurt and depressed, and I don't know how to proceed from here.
Moral to this story- beware of seeing alcoholics everywhere once your awareness is raised. also beware of giving unsolicited advice.
Kiddo- you are young. At your age I partied too much as well-- I grew out of it, but in my 20s an outsider could have judged my intake as problematic also. It was just a phase in my life though (however it led me to the company of the As in my life! not good judgment)
as to the question of high tolerance, I think As are all over the board on this one-- my AH has incredibly low tolerance to alcohol and most drugs as well. "catches a buzz" really easily. He's a cheap drunk at least. Not funny - but I am trying to look at the bright side.
take care- and keep bouncing ideas off us on this board-- sometimes they go over like lead balloons in the real world. Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Pretend the converstation didn't happen , his denial is his business not yours. and occasionally people get tired of us talking about our problems, and suggesting someone might have a problem with alcohol just might have ticked him off a little . forget it and just carry on he is a friend after all.
We aren't here to determine who has a drinking problem, we are here because someone else's drinking has had an affect on us. Once we become enlightened, lol, we tend to become self-righteous pointing out others problems. Your friend didn't solicit your imput, and flung it back on you -- the don't look at me, look at you, finger pointing game. It was meant to hurt you, because you likely hurt him.
If he's really got a drinking problem, you can't snap him out of it and make him absorb all of what you are learning thus preventing him from a hard road. Let me tell you if it were that easy we'd have all done it by now and our A's would be sober.
It is great you are learning, use that information for your own growth, not to take someone else's inventory. This program is here for us, it's about us, and our behavior. We need to look at what our triggers are, how alcoholism has affected us and how we can keep our serenity -- whether they are drinking or not.
Please keep coming back -- there is so much to learn and grow from here.
I find that I am doing a lot of taking my AH's inventory a lot these days. He's been on vacation at home all this week and has done nothing but drink. He wants to look for another job, while he's still working because he's not advancing at his current job. I got his resume ready and so far, I don't think he's done anything with it. At the least, he could e-mail resumes or mail them or start inquiring about job openings but nothing. He's stuck because he chooses to be stuck, I guess. It's scaring me and he's putting us into a financial pit. I sat down and added up what he alone has spent in seven days (I haven't seen any groceries but maybe five bucks worth of something) so I know it's all been for beer and he has spent well over a hundred bucks in seven days. We've been in such a financial bind that maybe I'm overreacting to every penny spent but this is bad. This is the worst it's been. We've done nothing but argue all week and he's been on a rollercoaster emotionally. I am having a real hard time focusing on me and not him. It's been really tough. I am going to find a face-to-face meeting this week and go. Anybody have suggestions for me? I need to hear some ESH.
for mamallama - all I can suggest is taking what steps you can to take care of yourself. Yelling at him doesn't work, so put that energy into something else - hiding some of the money so it's not all gone by the end of the month, finding a way to earn more that he can't get his hands on, getting your name taken off of his debts as much as possible, etc. If all of your attention is focused on getting him to stop what he is doing, you aren't paying attention to what you CAN do. By now you've noticed that it's like yelling at a brick wall anyway, right?
Basically, we're both over it. In our group of friends, unsolicited advice is a way of life, and bickering is too. The next day neither of us mentioned it.
Yeah, I realize I'm probably reading into it too much. I get really heated about things and then like three hours later I calm down and go "wow, that was ridiculous."
