The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I was driving home from my meeting I was letting myself think thoughts that make me mad and sad. I stopped myself and thought "this is my disease". This is how I make myself miserable. No one else was in the car, just me, letting thoughts make me feel something I wasn't feeling. I was actually sharing at my meeting how good I was feeling today. I had some hope to offer and my faith feels stronger. Yet, there I am, letting myself pull me down. It finally felt like a choice. There is no crisis going on, I haven't seen or heard from my ex in a week. I have been accepting that the reality is what it is and taking the action I need to for my serenity. So, I see that this is MY disease. I could have totally let myself go down the path my mind wanted me to. I could have followed my thoughts and let my feelings get out of control and then take out my anger and pain on others ( the ex, the kids, my mother, the guy at the gas station, whoever). But I didn't! I stopped myself, recognised that it is a choice to feel that way and chose to stay in the moment and be grateful. What a struggle!! I did it, I am listening and learning. So, when all you wise, wonderful people share your ESH with me and I can't put it into use at that moment I store it and somehow it pops up and helps me fight my disease. Holy! This is hard work! But totally worth it! Having a feeling of serenity despite where I am is priceless. Thank you all! Had to share while I am in a good spot and let the newer people know it is worth it. We are worth it!
Sounds like your taking your power back woman!!! Diseases can be cured you know? I think your finding the antidote!!! Keep on going, your close to being free I believe. mwah.
Yehaw! This "choice" thing is so true. The Buddhists call the mental chattering "the monkey mind", always swinging around back and forth and nonstop chattering. I'll be doing the dishes and having this great fantasy that I reduce the A to smoking ashes with the power of my anger and -- woops!! I'll catch myself, and realize my body's all tight and I'm gritting my teeth. I feel just like the A is in the room with me, ie, BAD.
During those premenstrual times these thoughts are very hard to stop. But stopping them is so worth it. I've got to deliberately start thinking about something else, but I know it's made a huge difference to how I feel overall. Considering how I could feel right now, I feel darn good.
thanks for writing this-it gave me a lightbulb moment- which I am not so sure I like illuminated! My AH is out of town for the week and I find myself sort of numb and out of it. I have been caught up in his drama/rollercoaster for so long that I don't really know what to do with myself when he is actually out of the picture. I don't really miss him, per se, I just feel sort of inert. I have been going thru the usual activities- work, the kids, even watched a good movie tonight-- but I still feel kind of blah. I think my disease is showing now. I live vicariously thru his drama?? scary.
jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Isn't is so cool when things click? Remember this feeling, it's your power, your control, it's all about you and what you want. You are taking responsiblity, owning what is ours -- way to grow!
So much of how we are really is a choice. You are choosing to put yourself and what is good for you first. Isn't that so empowering? I'm doing a happy dance for you!
