((Nagal))

How about take some deep breaths.

First things first. You don't have to decide everything today. And what you decide works for you today, may change and that's ok, too.

As far as threaten, I know for me, all the threats that I did accomplished nothing - because I never was able to stand behind those threats. That was me. I'm not saying that's you.

Thru focusing on myself, my own recovery, I learned about boundaries. About not tolerating unacceptable behaviors and Plan B's.

I learned to communicate to the alcoholics in my life that when you are under the influence I am uncomfortable being around you or having a conversation with you - therefore I will leave. For me, my Plan B is to always have my own vehicle, with extra cash, gas in that vehicle, and a few special friends that I can call at any time day or night to say I need a place to stay for a day or so. That is my Plan B.

You can make your own Plan B. (as I'm sure others will share theirs with you)

Sometimes, trying to make all the decisions at once can be overwhelming. One Day at a Time, One decision at a time - Little by little we get stronger and healthier and know what is right for us and our children. That doesn't mean that everyone has to leave their A's - some stay, some leave - it is an individual decision.

Most of all, keep reading the post here - learning how some of the others have handled the situations they have faced may help you know what your HP (Higher Power) feels is best for YOU.

Wishing you Serenity & Joy,
Rita

Hi Nagal!! Welcome! I read your other post, too, so I might end up responding to it.

You ask how you should react.

There is no perfect kind of reaction that will make the results you hope for. You already know he's going to do what he wants. You may be able to nag him into drinking less when you are around, but he still does what he wants. He drinks when he wants to, and has what he considers a perfect way to deal with YOU, by telling you you are making too much of it.

For me, I realized my life was consumed with my alcoholic. I lived ate and breathed his problems. I felt constant anger and anxiety, because every time I turned around, he was acting out, spending money on his druggie friends, buying drugs and using them. I nagged and threatened and cajoled and had what felt like good, honest heart to heart talks with him.

So I was left with the fallout of nagging and threatening; my peace of mind, my day to day enjoyment of life was SHOT. I was depressed and terrified of the future. He never "listened" to me anyway, and the frustration grew and grew. The heart to heart talks only got my hopes up, to be dashed in a day or so I caught him puffing away on a joint.

I live in a rural area without Alanon meetings, so I found this board and joined back in February. Very quickly, I learned my first lesson; all the threatening, nagging, "monitoring" and heart to heart talks were making me MISERABLE. I wanted them to work but they never did. I learned I can't make my alcoholic stop. I didn't cause him to drink and use drugs (though he said I did), and I couldn't do a darn thing to stop him. Well, it was true!!

No matter what I did, well meaning, no matter how BADLY I wanted to just help him out, I loved him very much, I was helpless.

The desire to stop drinking comes from inside the alcoholic themselves. They don't stop until drinking and all it's consequences are more painful than NOT drinking. Each alcoholic gets to that point (hopefully) in their own time. I can't bring it about faster, and I can't prevent the consequences (DUIs, broken marraige, lost jobs, you name it).

After all I did for my alcoholic, he still razed our savings account almost to the ground, and now is facing serious felony charges. He's been in and out of jail. He's out there somewhere doing God knows what. Losing his marraige, home, money and job hasn't stopped him. I figured out almost too late that he wasn't going to wake up and get help so I bailed to save myself.

Alanon saved my butt. But, it didn't have the secret of how to get my husband to stop drinking and using drugs. It does however have the "secret" :D of how to get my life back to me, how to have peace and enjoyment. What I had to do was let my alcoholic "go". As hard as that sounds, letting him go to do his thing, which he was doing ANYWAY, gave me the freedom to begin to repair myself and begin to grow as a person.

Many of us "bail" to save ourselves. Socking away money, making plans of where to go, who to stay with, is simply part of caring for yourself and your precious children. I grew up in an alcoholic home where my mother stayed with my alcoholic father. My childhood was frequently hell on earth. They only get worse over time. I'm sorry to say it, but it's true.

You say your family is unaware. Likely, they may be but they still know more than you give them credit for. Likely, if you are honest and tell them, they won't react with shock :) .

I too felt like the biggest fool on earth. How did I end up with such a loser? I thought I was "healthier" than that. Guess not! I have to admit I was foolish, and I was fooled. It's OK, I'm moving on and have much to learn. I wouldn't be in Alanon if I was perfect.

Just a bit of my story, a pretty recent one. I wish you and your little ones the best. I hope you come join us here as often as possible! Kim

First, know there is no one way to handle this and you should do what feels right for you.  I've found that honesty is best,.  If I feel he has been drinking, I say it matter of factly. I've learned not to create a crisis (call the cops) and not to prevent one from happening (being pulled over).  I've learned to take care of me and let the rest fall off my shoulders.    If I stop a crisis or protect the A, I may be stopping him from where his HP is trying to take him and enabling the disease in process.  I say what I mean and mean what I say - in otherwords, if I say I will leave if he continues to drink, then I mean it.  Threats don't work and if he knows that you won't do what you say you may be enabling.  It is rough and tough.  Good luck to you and keep comign back.  Take some deep breaths and keep the focus on you!

One of the things this disease does and has done to me is bring a disorienting feeling of utter confusion to reality. Something is wrong...and he is calling it right. It feels like being lost in the fog or in a foreign country....but you are in your own home in your own very sane self. You are not crazy and you are not over reacting. Trust your gut...listen to your inner voice...HEAR it, even if you can't act on it today, listen and say I believe you, untill one day your actions will follow.

It felt good to me when I didn't react, but spoke my truth once and simply and clearly once a heated incident had passed. "It is not right that you push me and it makes me feel scared and disrespected" "Coming home loud and drunk is not what I want my children to fall asleep to anymore" No yelling...no discussoin. Because discusson can only happen between two people and for him there is only one.

Then, taking care of me...making a plan that I know would feel good...apart from him. A night at the movies. A picnic with the kids. A happy time.

Good luck, peace, Fifi

Hello nagal , there is a sick joke in AA ,  HOw do u know if an alcoholic is lying ? answer , are  his lips moving .  sad but mostly true . expecting a alcoholic to act normal is part of our insanity . it ain't gonna happen.
You can bring up his drinking but why bother > he will only lie anyway , just start to trust what your seeing and hearing . no need to confront . save yourself the frustration of an argument .  there is nothign u can do about him , but alot u can do for yourself . I hope uare attending al anon meetings for yourself , it will change your life . this board is great but not enough . good luck  Louise