The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am scared. I have been married to my husband for almost 7 years. I think he has been an alcolholic most of that but I have not admitted it to myself. His father and uncle are both hardcore alcoholics. I have written it off to him being young, to myself being too controlling etc. Now I realize that I was lying to myself. and now I have 2 little babies with him and I feel like such an idiot for bringing them into this world and not admitting that there was a problem. we have fights about drinking all the time. He promises that he will stop drinking "during the week" or will switch to only beer. But then I find him "sneaking it" and lying about and basically trying to find any way he can to drink more without my realizing it. He knows he has a problem, he has admitted it to me while being totally drunk but he won't admit it when he is not drinking. And I know that he will never do anything about unless something HORRIBLe happened. he already got a dui. He still drives drunk so that didn't do any good. I try to control it by not buying it... saying I don't like to go to parties, trying to get him to fall asleep. but it doesn't help for long. and any time I am not around him, he makes up for what I control when I am around. His job is not suffering at this time. Just me.
So sorry you are going through this. Welcome to MIP!! You are in the right place. I have been where you are now. I remember when my boys were first born. My AH was trying to "be good" by trying to control his drinking. He would go to meetings but then he would "dog" the program and wouldn't really be there for himself. I know now he was only there because of my threats and my manipulation and control. No matter what I did he would find a way to get alcohol or pot. He probably had at least 5 different ways of getting alcohol and pot for free. We would have some wicked knock down drag out fights over money, how much he drank, him driving drunk. Finally, I'd had enough and found Alanon. It took me a long time to realize that all the worrying and controlling and managing I was doing was only driving me insane. I was exhausted from taking care of two infants and trying to hold down a full time job. Its a wonder how I got through that.
I will say that working this program and getting real with myself and letting go of manipulation and control of my AH's life things have gotten better for me. I feel happy now, but I'll be honest things got worse before they got better. First I started with a face to face beginner's Alanon meeting, I began reading the literature in the Beginner's packet. I started learning about A'ism as a disease. I found this websit and started learning even more from the people here. Once I started working the steps honestly and diligently I have seen the changes. My AH is sober "today" and doing much better than he was 60 or so days ago. Sobriety is hard too, but I feel like I can handle whatever happens in my life because I have more tools than I did 5 years ago when we first met.
Keep coming back you will find a wealth of support and experience here.
Peace, Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thanks Twinmom. It is nice to know that you have been there too. I just can't believe I am in this situation. I am so embarassed and I feel so incredibly hopeless. I can't really go to Al-anon meetings because I have my 2 kids and I don't want to tell my mom or sister-in-law (my sitters) about the problem. I feel really alone. How did you stop with the control and manipulation? What finally made your husband decide to get help? Thank you again for your reply. It really means so much to me to hear from someone else who will not judge.
Dear nagal - please take care of you and those beautiful babies. And never ever regret bringing them into this world just b/c of the A in your life. Look what you would be missing out on if you hadn't brought them into this world. For me, my children bring me so much joy and love and have been what keeps me strong when ordinarily I would crawl under the blankets and hide. They are my strength.
The best thing you can do right now is work on you. You cannot change your A, only he has the ability to do that. And if you try to change him, you will only end up feeling worse. I have heard over and over "Set up your boundries and stick to them". I have done that and it helps me to get through the tough times.
Money usually ends up being a touchy subject when A's are involved. So protect yourself there before it gets too late. I have always stashed money aside for emergencies. And if an emergency never came, then I had some rainy day money. I ended up having to turn that stash into my survival money and that is where I am now. But I am glad that I had started working on that way back in the beginning of my marriage 14 1/2 years ago. I started out stashing a dollar or 2, then $5, then $10 and so on. It always took me a really long time to save up any large amount of money but I worked diligently at it and kept it a secret. Any time my AH found out I had a little money put aside, he always found something we HAD to pay for and poof, there would go my money.
Keep coming back to MIP, posting and reading what others share. You will find an amazing amount of support here and an awesome outlet for your stress and concerns. Keep your head up and try to stay strong.
I know the fear and hopelessness you feel, many of us here do. Some meetings have childcare available. I hope you can find one. It is so worth it and so are you! Keep coming back.
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
You've heard some good stuff here, so I will just add my little bit. Your big secret? Everybody already knows. Don't put any energy into keeping it a secret. YOU haven't done anything to be ashamed of, all you've done is love the man you married - not really a big sin.
There are thousands of us who have been exactly where you are, welcome. Those kids deserve one sane parent - it sure ain't gonna be him, but it can be you.
This could have been my first post. I"ve been married seven years, with him for eight. Our children are 7,6,6. When my twins were five months old I had to throw him out for the SAME characteristics that your ah is showing. I knew I could not have that around me and my babies. It was hard but I went into survival mode and just did it. My ah also wanted to "just" drink beer and went to beer in a cup, then maybe just one drink, then he hid it because one wasn't enough. Guess my surprise was when I went to get a blanket out of the pantry and twenty empty vodka bottles came falling out on me. I knew things were bad bad bad. Some few years later my best friend died. She was 36 and beautiful and I never want to see someone suffer like that agan. Your ah will do and say everything just as long as he can get a drink with your approval, once you get in his way of his alcohol you become the enemy and that's when name calling, yelling, leaving for over night and coming home drunk, ect.........then the next day they start the "I'm sorry's" and the "I'll never do it again's" blah blah blah. It will eventually get old. DO NOT condone his drinking and driving. I would report him and let him know. Stay strong, set boundaries in concrete and do NOT let him cross them. Also, do not make idol threats. If you say your not going to put up with something then don't put up with it. Be prepared. I hate to say this to you but this is just the very beginning of alcoholism, it's going to get worse. Remember, you can not stop it, control it, did not cause it. NOTHING is more important then the alcohol, not you or those dear babies. I wish you strength because your going to need it and the faster you use it the faster your recovery will be. You do not need a role model like this for those babies. Don't allow it. Good luck sweetie and keep coming back.
Don't worry, there is definitely still hope for him. My boyfriend wouldn't even admit his alcoholism when he was drunk (which was every night, it turned out) but eventually he called me over to his place, confessed everything, called his mom at 3 am and told her he needed help. That was in about March or April. He couldn't stop drinking for more than two weeks at a time by himself, so he got his parents to put him in rehab. He's getting out of rehab this Monday, and he's incredibly dedicated to staying sober and creating a good life for himself and for us. I hope your husband can come to the same realization, get himself sober and healthy, and create a good home for you and your kids. You did the right thing coming here, the support and advice is incredible, especially if you can't get yourself to meetings.
I am so thankful for all of your replies. It's funny... as friend of yours said.. I know this is going to get worse before it gets better... I just wish that the "worse" (20 vodka bottles / violence / humiliation) would happen soon. I feel almost like I need something really bad to happen so I can pack up and go for a while. I think him losing his kids and having his family find out about the issue would be the only thing bad enough for him to stop. Some of the posts that I have read have said - do not try to control it - you have to let him deal with the consequences. I have covered up for him in the past and I guess made it easier for him to do this stuff. If I stop.. maybe the worse will arrive sooner and changes will happen sooner. I also think my yelling and screaming have turned the issue into "my control problem" so I am going to try to stop with that. I love the messages about setting firm boundaries. To everyone who has replied- you are a BLESSING TO ME. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR POSTS.
"I feel almost like I need something really bad to happen so I can pack up and go for a while. "
I used to think this way too. It has taken me years in alanon to start to think - "If I want something to happen, I don't NEED to wait for someone else to make it happen - I can be the master of my own life". If you are not happy with the way things are, there is nothing to stop you from starting to make changes right now. Take baby steps, examine your motives, but you CAN start to open that window. This is your own and only life - you are not just the sidekick in his.
