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I have been married to my AH for almost 3 yrs. This past Christmas I realized he was an A and told him so. He knew when we got married I didn't like alcohol much, and snuck out to buy it without my knowing for two years!! He would then drink it secretly. I started finding empty cans, which became empty hard liquir flasks. He broke down at Christmas and admitted he was an A when I pressed him for details. He went to a few AA meetings, then stopped. He won't take any inititive unless I press the subject. We moved after christmas, and I found more and more empty containers. Every time I start to trust his word, I smell it on his breath again. He's said he's just a s--ty person and he should leave me. When I ask why after I've found another container, he says, "because I felt like it" In every other respect of our marriage, he is caring. But even when things are right, I question when he is late from work and why he won't show me his credit card reciepts. the other night he blew up and gave gave me his cc and said it wasn't worth the fighting. Can I believe him? I know he wants to change for me, but I don't think his heart thinks he's doing anything wrong. I'm tired of all the secrets and lies. When he says he should just leave me, it takes all my strength not to tell him to just go, because I think we might recover from this, but if he leaves, we won't be able to recover from that. I don't know what to do. This time it seems like he's serious, it's been a few weeks since I've found anything, but he's very sneeky in this regard. How do I trust him if this is the time he's really going to quit? He refuses to tell his family or friends about his problem, though he's pretty much quit drinking socially and only does it secretly now. I feel like I have this secret and everyone thinks I'm off my rocker when I get tense in public if he drinks.
Welcome Keme. Your situation is not unique, not your feelings or your alcoholic's behavior, this board is full of people who have been where you are, or are there right now.
Trust is one of the biggest issues confronting the alcoholics loved ones, let me tell ya. There is no easy answer to this. There is no trusting someone who lies, sneaks or betrays. You can't trust someone like this. Since trusting your own husband is such a big need in marraige, and you can't trust an alcoholic who's still drinking, I'm afraid the answer to your question is, you can't trust him right now. He can't trust himself! Just ask him.
I think for people new to Alanon there is a lot of hard truths to confront first, and it might turn people off. But facing reality always liberates us, even if it is painful at first.
I encourage you to get to know what Alanon's about by going to meetings, reading the literature and of course visiting us here :) . Put the trust issue on the back burner for a minute and see if there's something for you in this program. If anything, you will be amongst many others who know what you are going through and support for you is most important right now.
The only thing we can do for our alcoholic is to help ourselves, strengthen ourselves, stop playing their games, stop participating in their fantasies. It is "indirect help". We can't stop them from drinking or lying or sneaking around. Believe me I tried for years. My alcoholic, no matter what I did, still ended up spending almost everything we had, ruining his body and mind, destroyed what feelings I had left for him and ended the marraige. He has been bouncing in and out of jail lately. No matter what I did.
There are folks here with much much more Alanon experience under their belts than me. I still have more work to do on myself than I know. I'm grateful for the support here, it has gotten me through some serious crap lately. Think over the feedback you get and see if this all couldn't help you. It has seriously helped me!!
It is hard because we think we should be able to expect certian things from a spouse. Only when they are an A our expectations get us into so much trouble. He may not be lying to you -- he may want to get a grip on his drinking but his addiction gets the best of him. I went thru the phase of saying "well if he loved me" then he'd try harder, stop, see what his drinking is doing. Only his drinking didn't have anything to do with love, nothing at all, and it didn't have anything to do with me either.
I encourage you to read up about the adiction of Alcoholism -- he isn't doing this to you but it is affecting you. I'd also encourage you to read How Alanon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics, it is a good resource. Keep coming back, know that you aren't alone and you are definately not off your rocker....well, your not the only one off your rocker lol. This disease can make us crazy that is why in the steps you learn that you can be "restored to sanity."
There are some of the sanest people in the world here in alanon who have done some of the most insane things -- all in the name of trying to get someone sober or seeing if they were still sober or if they lied or if they hid their drink....omg lol ..... ummm I've done some really insane things. Just know that you are not alone, you can find peace here whether your AH is drinking or not -- you are worth that peace.
