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My AH left for work Tuesday morning and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I thought that he might show up Wed night so that he could get up and go to work today but he was a no show. Now I am figuring there is no telling when he will turn up this time.
I am leaving for my vacation on the 14th and he was supposed to go w/me. But I am not taking him now. It will be just me and the kids and I have NEVER done anything like this on my own before. I think that is where my anxiety is coming in to play. I mean, going to the beach for the day w/just me and the kids is one thing. But going for a whole week? I know I can do this. It is a 6 hour drive for me, which is ok. I am just nervous about how I work it out. I mean, my son is almost 14 and will want to play in the ocean. My daughter is almost 5 and will want to play in the sand. I cannot be in both places at the same time. I am thinking of asking my mom to come with us. She loves the waves and will play in the ocean w/my son. She also loves to play in the sand, sits right down in it to build sand castles w/my daughter. IF she agress to going, that will leave my dad to take care of my dog and ALL of her animals (4 horses, 2 mini horses, 2 dogs, 20 goats, 1 potbelly pig & 1 taloose goose). This is fine but my dad is extremely over weight (375 pounds) and getting around can be difficult at times. Plus he will have to drive to my house to feed & water my other dog that is in a pin outside. Arrgg.
Why do our A's have to mess everything? On top of all this, now I will be changing my door locks AGAIN b/c there is no way I am leaving my house vulnerable to him while I am gone. No way hosay. I reckon I will have to pack up some of his belongings and take them to his stepdad's so if/when he turns up, he'll have some of his stuff that he will need.
Uggghhh! I am so stressed and just feel like screaming and crying today. Not that I care that he is off getting messed up again.....just that my routine is once again disrupted. Once again, I will have to kick his butt to the curb and pray that I have the strength to hold to it. I will have to put that brick wall back up and not allow him to get through it at all this time. I have to find the strength to turn a blind eye and deaf ear to his apologies and promises. I know I can't believe anything he says and I don't ... but it is so hard to turn my back on him.
Of course u care that he is off getting messed up again . (hugs) Well u have a plan B going for you , make your plans just don't plan the outcome . Go to the beach and enjoy your children ,you will have a great time . Sounds good to me eat when you want ,eat what u want and play . Hon let him worry about having no clothes or things he needs , sounds to me like you have enough to do with out worrying about him . Have a great holiday. Louise
I hate that your AH has gone MIA again. This must be so frustrating for you. You do seem to be taking it in stride. Good for you for having that Plan B for your vacation. The A's life might be miserable and that is unfortunate but you and the kids don't have to stay miserable with him. Go and have a wonderful time at the beach soaking up the sun and surf. I find it so healing to be around water and out in the open air. The kids just laugh and have a great time which feels like I'm living a second childhood. That's the way life should be right? We take the sweet and the bitter with it. I will keep you in my prayers for some peace and comfort during this time.
Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hate that this put a damper on your vacation, but glad you are still making plans to still go and have a good time.
Do whatcha gotta do to take care of you, my friend - if you don't get your AH's stuff to his step-dad's - look at it this way - he's not missing it right now, is he so what's a few more days without it? So don't stress about it, just do what is right for you and your kids.
I just got back from vacation with my granddaughter, niece, Mom & Dad - it was great memories that we all will cherish forever. - Regardless of what the others are doing.
Make & enjoy those precious times, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Our As have an uncanny way of screwing up the works, don't they? I hope that Dad can manage the animals, because you obviously need this time at the beach. A week at the beach? WOW!!! May I go? I'll do all the driving. Seriously, you go, and have a good time with the kids.
With best wishes,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If I may make a suggestion, you can set limits with your son on the ocean thing. ie, that he cannot go out on certain tides, or he has to be where you can see him. The locals can explain to both of you how the local ocean currents work, and if there are life guards. For example, the currents in Hawaii are much differnt than in SC. You can also direct your daughter where to build sand castles. I know from experience the best sand castles involve more mud than sand. they don't look pretty, but they do hold up and are stronger. As for your mom, I recall this was the person that felt an over whelming need to tell you that you were not physically taking care of yourself and was being extremely manipulative about it. I hate to see you out of fear take on something that would ruin a much deserved vacation. You alcholic maybe chickened out b/c of guilt knowing that he has been a pissy father, and he does not want to really take the responsibility to be present, be there, and be with the kids. the irony is the best way to rebuild broken relationships is to be present in uncomfortable situations. You, however can be present, can be aware, and maybe even catch some meetings while you're there. They have some great recovery at Myrtle beach I understand.
Good luck to you. Sorry you are in the situation you are in. I know the feeling, I so want to believe my A when he says he'll never....(fill in the blank). And I feel he wants to believe it too. Truth is he is powerless and he can't help himself if he tried. He will only be able to stop once he admits his powerlessness and hits bottom and feels the emotions and pain he is holding back by using... and who knows when that will be. I feel for you - I too have to pray for the strength to stick to my boundaries this time. I know it is healthy and best for me and all others concerned, but that little voice inside of me keeps saying, well maybe this was the last time ....but then I'm disappointed. Go and have yourself a great vacation. You can do it - you know you can. Take your HP with you and in those moments, pray to get to the next.... Hug to you!
I agree, do what you need to do to have fun. As far as his clothes? Pfffft. He left them, he can figure it out himself. You have enough to plan w/o making sure his needs are met, not your job hon. Have a great time, alone or with Mom. Whatever works. Either way you'll be a stronger person for it when you realize YOU DID IT!!!
Diva and I might both show up!! Which beach? lol!
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Thank you everyone for all of the great ES&H. Y'all are awesome. I am feeling better this afternoon as for as the anxiety goes. I felt like I might choke on it this morning. Now I just have the aftermath tension headache.
I love Myrtle Beach and cannot wait to get there for vacation. I will make it the best vacation ever for me and the kids. I know my mom was just talking in circles around me last week but I honestly believe that her presence at the beach will help out more then hender. It will make the absence of my AH less prominent to my kids. And I am much better at setting boundries w/my mom than w/my AH too. Therefore I can tell her that there are 2 rules she must follow if she goes w/me - 1) No discussion at all about my AH w/me or the kids 2) The kids and I make the schedule not her. She tends to want to run the show all of the time and I have to nip that in the butt right away. This vacation will be all about having fun and relaxing.
Thanks again for helping me through this difficult day. I am feeling better. Sincerely, QOD
My kids were around 4 and 5 when my first A husband died.
I can tell you, you can do it, and it may be hard.
Putting myself in your place, I would ask my mother to go.
Ideas... bring your dog to mom and dad's. Leave a bunch of hay for the horses and goats, if they are on pasture that is more than enough this time of year.
Leave 500 gallons of water for horses and oh... a hundred or so for goats. If they have a floater thing that keeps them filled, no problem. If not, get one, they are cheap. I would fill some extras in case something goes wrong with the water.
The goose is fine, they eat 75% grasses and other greens. If the dogs are inside, that is not hard, you could always free feed them and leave plenty of water. What??? no cats??? lol if so free feed.
The pot would need fed. It it is far from the house, it is easy to make them a temp shelter. Make it close enough for dad. If you are interested email me. Ya cannot free feed them and they love to mess with their water....one pot bellied pig? unheard of....
THAT is all something that can be done. My concern is your heart and pretty head. Are you going to be able to detach and not be worrying the whole time about your A?
In my experience, it will surprise him if you go without him. Remember A's are self absorbed, I would guess he left on purpose to sabatage your vacation.
I remember when mine, when not on program, hated to go anywhere. They are out of their comfort zone, do not know where or how to get their drug of choice and how they heck will they hide it?
We went to a cabin on the beach. He was a butt. We had all this good food, movies, cool place. I brought in flowers etc. He got on the couch, did not move, never came to bed. Next morn I was sooo mad, I packed everything up to go. He was surprised.
went home. I had NO idea then what was going on. Was awful.
Believe me you probably do not want him to go! And whatever you do, I invite you to NOT depend on him to take care of anything or anyone while you are gone.
If you can detach and look at the present, not the past or future, you can have fun with your kids. You will be giving your kids great memories and you will be surprised at how much fun you can have and how peaceful it will be.
If your mom can go, it would be wonderful. My kids and mother and I took day trips. was neat.
If you start obsessing about him and possible scenerios, quickly put in something else. I say stop, everything is ok and I say the serenity prayer putting in what i cannot change, what I can and really look at the differences.
I hope you don't allow this crappy disease to ruin your time away. YOU need it. You guys will get to see a glimpse of the world with out the dang aism cloud over you.
Wish I was close, I would look in on the animals and your dad for sure. You must know someone who would do it????? neighbor? someone from church? relative? Really the only thing your dad would have to do is feed and water the pot every day.
just think, with mother you could actually take a nap!!!! You could read or draw or do nothing. Go look under rocks, is there a jetty? we always climbed down near the water and looked under rocks for neat stuff.
My son is such a marine biologist naturally its a trip. Daughter is a life guard for the major races. Both into water.
Your kids will blossom believe me, Heck now i want to go with you, could be your nanny for nothing!!! Where are you going anyway?
hugs hon, don't forget your bikini.... love,debilyn who's bikini days are llllloooooong over
