The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ive just returned home from a face to face open meeting. Al-Anon and AA. Shared top table. And It was fantastic, the feelings, emotions I got tonight were so unreal. To listen to an Al-anon female sharing her story, and then to listen to a male AA member sharing his story. WOW...I am left asking myself, Are we so different.????
Most of my life I have been, Angry, bitter, scared, feelings of abandonment, rejection, loneliness. This was a way of life for me, the only life I knew. As I listened to the Al-Anon speaker tonight I was nodding, shaking my head, in agreement with her, I felt her frustration, her pain, her whole story reflected on my life.
Then when I was listening to the AA speaker, the really funny thing was, I was nodding, shaking my head in agreement with him. I felt his pain, frustration, and his story also reflected on my life, not the blackouts, the physical symptoms, the obsession with alcohol. But the lack of emotional feelings, the lack of telling someone "I love you", the holding back things, wow.
He shared how he had "NOT" felt all these things until he bacame sober...Do we not also feel this, until we have Al-Anon, do we let ourselves "Feel" anything. When we come to the fellowship are we not numb, and totally emotionaless. We are conditioned to being like we always have been, used, abused, rejected, sad, fearful, and very very bitter. And to hear a former Alcoholic say "Hold on" I "Feel" this too. That was very moving for me.
Do we not spend our time, abusing them, verbally, emotionally, and sometimes physically. The Disease is the problem here, that causes all the hurt, pain, abuse, and fear. It destroys peoples lives, breaks their hearts. I am actually amazed at what I am writing. I "HATED" anyone who drinks, who caused hurt to their families, their wives/husbands, their parents, and especially their kids. I was one of them kids, thats what made me what I am today. I am now able to look back, and let go. I have forgiven, stopped blaming everyone and anyone. I do not forget, but "Just for today" I can Accept it is in the past. And I "Survived it".
A few men shared tonight from AA, about their children, What "THEY" had done to them, had put them through their whole life, terrorised them, and I felt so proud of these people, to be able to sit in a room (Sober) and admit to everyone how they hurt their kids. That was very touching for me, and for them, they had a tear in their eyes. I realised at that moment, Alcoholism IS a disease. It is a horrible, disgusting, illness. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are just sick.
I suddenly feel like i have a banner up saying "Go Alkies"...lol But In all honestly, I am learning to have compassion, and understanding, for the Alcoholic. I work with Alcoholics in my line of work, and my full attitide has changed towards them. If I go into a man in his 70's and all he wants is his bottle...I am "Powerless over Alcohol and the Alcoholic" I now just leave him something to eat, give him some tlc, share a joke and a smile with him, make t him laugh.. Sometimes I'm the only person he sees from day to day, and let him be himself, thats all I can do. Before Al-Anon, I refused to go into an Alcoholics house........
As for my life today, Yes I have a recovering A somewhere in my life. I am trying so hard to "Let go and let god", I have had NO contact in 7 days..lol Thats awesome for me..... "Go Ally, Go Ally"...lol.
This is MY life, my time to grow up, move on, share with people who want me for who I am, what I can give, and not just be a crutch for them or vice verser.....
That is so awsome Ally! What a great post. I remember being there, in the mind set of compassion and forgivness and understanding. I am not there right now, in fact, I am at the oppisite end. I have so much resentment, anger and hate that I can't see the human being stuck inside the disease. I know I will be where you are again. Your post really inspired me, and makes so much sense. I believe that the times when I was in the place you are I was with my A and it was really with his help and this program that I found compassion and understanding. Now I have to find it myself, with the help of this program, and I am finding it very hard. Thank you for this perspective I hope to be able to practice this in my life.....
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"Go Ally, Go Ally"...lol.
