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I wish I could find a f2f tonight, but it's late and there isn't one....I keep replaying it in my mind...my brain is numb now....
I came home early to take our son to scouts, I missed the message that they canceled it due to the holiday tomorrow. So we started home. My son asked if he could get a taco, he was starving like always....I stopped at taco bell and asked him to call his dad to see if he wanted something....no answer, so we just got him a couple soft ones....
When we got home he was in the driveway...the first thing my son said is he looks angry...My ah walked up to the car and asked what was up, I told him we got him a taco and he exploded....stomped off into the house yelling at the dogs and swearing....I didn't get any taco cause I was going to make a salad for tomorrows BBQ and figured my husband and I could nibble off it....Long story short he's pissed cause all I feed him is shit food, not true, and he starts tearing apart the frig and throwing stuff in the trash...He grabbed a ham and started to take it I attempted to take it back saying I had planned on cooking it.....well before I knew it, he hit me in the cheek....I flipped, I know bad too, Iv'e never been hit, he was screaming all these horrble, horrible things at me....our almost 17 year old son heard and saw it....our son flipped on him, screamed at him that you don't hit a woman and you don't tell your wife the things he said.....
I let my son go to a friends, my AH is in and out of the house...I think he's going to go camping....
I know I don't deserve this, I know even if I were feeding him shit food all the time I don't deserve this....I cook....I work full time....my head is pounding, my heart is throbbing, my mind is screaming...
Our son is leaving in 15 days for a volunteer boot camp, I just want peace until he goes....his last words to me in the car were "Your going to divorce him aren't you?" God thats his dad! I know he loves him....I used to
Hon this happened to me, I went to a battered womens support group.
I am not kidding, call the police. well I am saying if you choose to. To not call is allowing him to not answer for his behavior. What he did was criminal. Plus if they will hit you, they will kill you.
Plus he could easily hit your son. Believe me i KNOW where you are and i know what happens if you allow it to continue.
I am so sad you are going thru this. Plus all the bs he spouted was the disease talking.
You do not have to argue, YOU know you are fine. Mine called our place a toilet. What a jerk. used to say he was going to burn it down.
he abuses becuz he is an abuser, not becuz he is using.
It will be worse next time, and there will be a next time.
i am glad you are here. If I were you, which I was, forget al anon for this, find your battered womens support group. Go to Al anon to learn to take care of YOU.
It is up to you. Many people stay. I would also go to some self defense classes.
sending you hugs, and hugs for your son. love,debilyn
Aloha Pabell!! What Debi offered is real good suggestions and I double it as a past alternative to violence case worker. You are in danger and you may have been loaded on because he is angry and resentful about himself or something else. He might be manic...it doesn't matter. Get your self safe and tell the cops. Is he sure that you won't do the right thing? Is it your habit to be the victim? Hope you read lots of the previous post here. Read up on the posts from Kim65. I don't think she will mind me focusing you on her recent posts because her experiences are current and very helpful. If she minds she will let me know.
Stick around and get suggestions and follow thru. You didn't say if he was an addicted person and active or not?
I'm glad you posted. I do agree with Debilyn and Jerry about getting out of that situation and reporting what he did to you. I'm so sorry you are facing this, and I hope that you find some peace.
Take care of YOURSELF,
Kathi
p.s. I wanted to also give kudos to your son for sticking up for you. Please try to get to safety, you and your son, if you can.
OH MY GAWD! Please listen to me when I tell you that you need to report this. When a man does this to a woman he WILL do it again and it gets worse everytime after. If he is not taught a lesson the first time it will happen again. They always start with little things. My abuse started like this, it was little shoves (while pg) then pushed, then grabbed by the throat and held against a wall, then my wrist fratured, then punched in the face and a black and blue eye. I called the cops and he did go to jail but was out the next day, they might order counseling for your dh (which you have to pay for) but it could be worth it. God forbid, he hits your son next time. Please please please report this. We are here for you. Give us an update and let us know you are ok. Your husband is a total jack hole! He can feed himself. (((BIG HUGS)))
In my experience my AH was always physically abusive. In the beginning it was small things, poking, pushing, etc. He didn't do it all the time and there were long periods between incidents. I mean years. I did get to a point where I felt somewhat safe having an argument with him. But, he is bipolar 1 and his manic cycles got closer together and worse and then the physical violence escalated. To the point of him actually trying to strangle me. And there was no provocation for that incident. We were not fighting, I did nothing. Not that anything said or done justifies any physical abuse, it doesn't. But that is how psycotic he had become between the crack and the mental illness. Once it happens, it will continue to happen if he and you do not get help. I will guess that he will go thru a period of remorse at some point, he might even be in denile that he did it and that usually got me too. I would let it slide and believe that he was sorry and it would never happen again, we went to councling and I swear everytime it happened I was in complete and total shock. When he hit me so hard in the leg that I couln't walk for days I was not so much mad or sad I was just in shock that he would do that and that it happened to me. At that point I took a picture of the bruises. I needed to document that it was happening, not just for the future but also for myself. The brusies would heal, he would be stable for awhile and really, who wants to be the woman whose husband beats her? It is true, it did happen and he should have consequences for his actions. What ever you decide to do know that we are all here for you. Just take care of you any way that you can......much love....
Hi Pabell, and NO I don't mind having my posts "recommended" at all, Jerry knows what he's talking about and has been a source of illumination for me to get real about my situation with my A.
My A has not overtly struck me, but he has grabbed me, shaken me, put his hands around my throat and even raised a claw hammer at me. Because he didn't actually "hit" me, I told myself he wouldn't. But deep inside I felt terror. He is twice my size and crazy strong.
There is no excuse ever for hitting or threatening to hit (which was most of the abuse I put up with). No excuse at all, not drunkeness, despair, rage attacks, nothing. And once they do put their hands on you, it doesn't stop there.
There are dead women who believed till the end her abuser really wouldn't hurt them. The statistics are scary especially when alcohol and/or drugs are involved.
The isolation and shame of living with an alcoholic only compound the problem. I was deeply ashamed of my situation. I didn't feel like I deserved to be abused, as many do. I was ashamed that I found myself in the situation in the first place. I believed I was too tough and "healthy" to put up with that kind of crap, or to attract a batterer in the first place. That belief kept the abuse silent for a long time. So I won't be silent anymore, when I see or hear of another woman in a similar situation.
Just b/c he hit you ONCE don't diminish it. I would notify the police, even if you don't press charges. Don't be ashamed, this is truly standing up for yourself. It's truly life and death.
Dear Pabell, I think it says in one of our books that if you arein danger, make a plan. Calll someone now while you are calm and ask if you can stay for a awhile or if you can come over at a moment's notice. Stick your keys and purse someplace where you can get them quickly and get outta there if you need to... make sure he doesn't know where your moeny and keys are. Get some cash and keep it in a safe place. Keep your cell phone charged and know how to use it to call 911 (I think some phones have a special one numer you can dial)... keep your cell phone by your side or on you. Let someone else know what happened... so in case something else happens, they can support you and/or back you up. Most of all, have a plan of action in case something starts up... don't put yourself in the situation of a physical confrontation, just get outta there or lock him out and call the police.
I locked my AH out and called police twice and it scared my AH so much (once b/c he had illegal drugs inthe house and once b/c I was scared and felt threatened)... he was so angry when I screamed I was afraid of him through the locked door; I think it made him angrier! I felt horrible calling the police on him, but I knew I did the right thing for me... he was able to get himself to a hotel so he was angry but he was fine. when he woke up, he realized how awful and mean he'd been and looking around him he'd seen how far he'd slipped.... and he never acted in a threatening way to me again.
I had read that passage on abuse and about having a plan in one of our books and I always remembered it. Make a plan. Be safe... sending you warm thoughts and hugs, Lee Ann
I am so sorry you are going thru this, and your son too! My AH is more on the verbal abuse side of the coin, but it sure is a crazy way to live. I know you will not leave until you are good and ready, but do try to have a "plan B" in place. Stash some cash in case you need it. This is a good idea for anyone, not just someone living in an abuse situation. Everyone needs some cash of their own, at their disposal. This type of behavior, which is crazy, and unreal, leaves me in shock too. Have been there with my AH. I will not leave until I am good and ready, either. But, I don't have a child living in the midst of it, either. Do what is right for yourself and your son. You will know whatever that is. Keep coming back. This will keep you centered, and this is a great place to vent. It helps me more than I can say. Hope things get better for you soon. Know that you are not alone. You received some great ESH on this. We care. Love in Recovery, Becky1
I believe the biggest mistake would be to do nothing. We teach people how to treat us by allowing and disallowing certain behaviors. By doing nothing it sends the unspoken message that abuse will be tolerated. Thus, the need for boundaries (AND POLICE).
I probably wouldn't even have been able to contain myself over the driveway incedent let alone being hit! A grown man pissed because of what he's being fed? Is he helpless to feed himself? If it were me HE'D be cooking what ever his heart desired for evermore. I'm sure it wasn't even about that. It sounds like he was just waiting to go in to a rage over something, anything. And he did.
Please protect yourself and don't wait and see if it will happen again. It will.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm sorry his abuse toward you has escalated. It always does unless it's stopped. He need a wake-up call and you need to protect yourself.
You've been given many good suggestions. I agree that physical abuse should be reported immediately. If there are marks, photos would be taken.
A f2f meeting would be good as soon as you can go to one. Keep coming back here, too.
Women's shelters give excellent counseling and have safety plans. You can still talk to the PD. Most Deputies are trained now to listen to battered women and help them to stay safe.
