The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I love my family - my parents, my 2 older sisters and my younger brother.....but they are driving me nuts. We have a pretty close relationship, talk about everything and are wide open typically.
But ever since my AH's addiction to crack came to light, I find that I am distancing myself from them. And I know why - they are judgemental, offer unsolicitated advice and are just plain nosy in my opinion.
You see, my middle sister (just 18 months older than me) is in the middle of a nasty divorce from her psycho husband. He was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to her and their 3 little kids. I believe he was the source for my AH to get his crack too. I know the guy deals in drugs and I believe he probably has done a bit too much of it himself - hence the reason he is psycho. So now that my sister is out of the marriage, she has come forward w/info that she used to keep secret. Unfortunately, she has come forward with it to our parents and our oldest sister and younger brother. She doesn't really talk to me about it any more and I used to be the only one she WOULD talk to.
She called me Saturday and was near my house and had thought about stopping by but wanted to know if my AH was there. I told her yes (where else would he be?) and she said she wouldn't come by if he was there. I asked her why and she gave me some load of crap about how he was friends w/her ex and it was just an uncomfortable situation for her and the kids. But that is all I am getting. Then she tells me that she is going to get tested for STD's b/c she didn't know what her ex has done and wanted to make sure she was clean. She was hinting around for me to do the same. I told her I had already done it - just last fall and plan on doing it again this fall and every year after that. Then she hints around the subject of what folks will do to get their drugs and that it sometimes involved sex w/the same sex. I didn't know how to take this! Was she telling me that her ex was guilty of having sex w/other men? Was she hinting around that my own AH was guilty of the same? I wish she would just come right out and tell me what she knows or THINKS she knows. But instead she dances around the subject w/me.
On top of that, I went to my parents this morning drop my daughter off so I could go to work (my sitter is on vacation). They start talking to me and bring up how my sister is going to get tested and that I might think of doing the same. I told them that I already had and they just continue on with it.
Yesterday when I was picking up my daughter, my mom kept carrying on about how my AH and my sister's ex were friends and that there was a lot more there than I realized. I just wish they would all level with me. Instead I feel like they all know something and are talking about me behind my back but no one has the nerve to come right out with it. I feel like they are expecting me to kick my AH to the curb but aren't giving me ammo to do it.
I know they are all talking about how big of a mistake I am making by taking my AH with me on vacation in a couple of weeks. They keep saying how they hope he doesn't ruin it for me. And that maybe I ought to rethink taking him. And I feel like I can't have anyone over b/c of the way they are acting towards him. Not to mention the fact that they treated him like crap when he showed up after his last long binge and wanted to apologize and make amends with them. My dad in particular decided to give him a lecture, which was not received well by my AH. So my AH is cordial to them but would much rather leave the house than stay if they are coming over.
So here I am feeling alienated b/c of my AH. I don't even enjoy spending time w/my family any more b/c it always feels so tense. I am always waiting for a lecture. If we can stay off the subject of my AH then we do pretty good. But inevitably the topic comes up, leaving me frustrated and looking for a way to end the visit.
I have mentioned the whole business of him being friends w/my sister's ex. He doesn't find anything wrong w/the guy. Actually defends him saying there are always 2 sides to every story.....stating that the guy may not be the best dad and husband in the world but my sister is not the best wife and mom in the world either. We just had this conversation last night as a matter of fact. And he said that if he ran into this guy that he would stop and talk to him, see how he was doing, etc. I said that I think that b/c he is married to me, that I should be more important than this guy and therefore he should NOT talk to him, he should turn and walk the other way and avoid him at all costs. I told him that if I ever saw him, I would RUN in the other direction. And if he ever approached me, I would not even think twice about Popping his A**. I mean this is the man who threaten to snap my sister's neck right in front of the kids, dragged her around the house by her hair, made her and the kids scared for their lives, threw their youngest daughter across the room when she was 1 years old, constantly told this little girl that she was evil and when taking a bath tell her she was so evil that the tub was going to suck her down the drain, then pull the plug. The poor little thing was scared to even get near the tub for 3 months after my sister left him. He is a terrible horrible man and I don't think my AH should have anything to do with him. Yet he still defends this guy.
Arrgg......so that is my latest drama. Thanks for listening.
I had a similar experience, not with family but with a couple of folks in this little bitty everyone knows everyone's business town. A woman acquaintaince alluded to my A taking phone calls from another woman at the bar.
I told this acquaintance "If you know something for sure, TELL ME. If you see it with your own eyes, TELL ME. If you hear it second or third hand, don't bother, I don't want to hear a rumor. This is my life on the line, and I can't mess around with rumors." She quickly shut her trap, because she had nothing concrete to say.
At least then I could be dealing with reality, not the drama.
It's the least they could do for you. If there's a problem, I'd want to know RIGHT NOW. My body is not some disposable object, and I would not appreciate others not taking that seriously.
Sounds like your family feels like they can't come right out with it. Or else, they get caught up in drama. Either way, you deserve to know the truth, especially if it involves something about your health.
Loyality is a big issue for me. My family of origin is not very loyal to me. They have never really put my welfare first. But they are all affected by the disease of alcoholism. Anyway, my family has done the same thing. They know something, hint around the issue till either it blows over or I come out and talk about it. They have no boundries and love the drama. I have learned to be loyal to myself, trust myself and what I know to be true. Ofcourse I do have to run whatever I believe to be true by people in the program because I have lived in denile for so long that sometimes I don't trust what I see. So, personally, I would confront my family and ask them to come out and tell me what they know. I know that if I had my mother's support in leaving my A I would have done so long ago. But she was very non-commital on standing behind me and giving me support when I really needed it. It's not her fault that I stayed, I stayed until I found the strength within myself to leave. I did that with the help of this program. I would also get tested ( I go every 6 months myself and will for the next couple of years just so I feel safe and that I am taking care of myself......the nurse looks at me like I'm crazy as I haven't even had sex in months and I just don't look the "type". I know there is no "type" STD's and HIV do not discriminate) Family is complicated. They sound like they all love you very much and are comming from a place of love and concern for you. Love yourself enough to stay safe. You have the strength within you to do whatever it is that is best for you and your kids....
Just because other individuals choose not to be direct with you, as debi said, does not mean you have to return the favor. You have the right, and the choice, to be direct with them. Be it saying "Are you suggesting that you believe my husband may have slept with other men?" or "Are you suggesting that my husband may have purchased the services of a prostitute?" or "Are you suggesting that my husband may have slept with other women while he is married to me?" You have the right to end the "hinting," which is really a back handed form of control, and insist that the people around you directly address you in ways that are respectful and honest. If this is uncomfortable to them, or if they strike back in ways that are scapegoating, blaming, or in some way demeaning, you also do not have to participate with them in their behavior. You can say "I do not appreciate your games in this conversation. If you are concerned for my physical well being and mental health, I do appreciate this, but you need to be direct with me and not play games." This puts them in the position of evaluating their standards of conduct: are they willing to admit their own beliefs and their own concerns--in this case, about sexuality? Lastly, if your loved ones do not understand that you have been responsible in this manner (GOOD FOR YOU! KEEP IT UP!), you have the right to say "This is a matter between myself and my husband. It is not your business. Until you can be upfront about your concerns and your expectations, this topic is closed." I am very proud of you for being responsible and accountable for yourself and your physical well being.
Detachment applies to everyone who is making you crazy, not just your A. I agree, if you feel you can, just ask your family what it is they are hinting about. If they then still won't come out and tell you, just ignore them.
As for talking to your sister's ex husband - if you feel you can't be civil to this man, that is your choice and your decision, and you have every right not to have anything to do with him. However, your A is not you. He has to make his own decisions just the way you do. His loyalty to YOU does not really come into this - it is his loyalty to your sister versus his loyalty to his friend. It really isn't about you, so you don't have to make it your business. Your A should honour your wishes not to bring the guy to your house, etc. but otherwise, MYOB, in my opinion.
These are just my thoughts - take what you can and leave the rest:
I agree that the best thing is probably to ask them straight up what they think & what they actually know. If they are unwilling to give you direct answers then IMO it's best to make it clear that you don't want any topics regarding negative thougths/opinions/facts abt AH coming up. If they do give you some straight-forward answers and everything seems to be out in the open as far as what they've been holding back then IMO it's best to make it clear that there's no point in rehashing the subject from that point on. If they aren't keeping in contact with him or his friends without your presence then there shouldn't be anything more for them to say.
When you said the thing abt your sister not wanting to be around AH - my first thought was "trigger" - it sounds like your H is some sort of trigger for your sister - even if he is not doing anything that would be a trigger - just seeing him is probably enough. The fact that she's probably still going through emotional tormoil of being with her H and all he did to her & the fact that she's divorcing/splitting up with him probably have alot to do with it. Being around your H may be giving her more of a reminder (of what her ex was/still is like) than she can handle.
On AH and his friends, from my own exp. you'll go around in circles over that - and he will either act out as a result of being frustrated over the control factor - he'll hang out with/talk to him anyway, or both.
Thanks to all of you for your wonderful sharing. I really do appreciate it. I feel like I am slipping back onto old habits and need to escape. My AH is currently on a disappearing act. The 2nd one in a week and a half. I reckon it is finally time to say it is over. I just pray I have to strength to go through with it. I am truly tired of living this way.
