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Hi. I'm actually new here. I found the site about a year ago but then never returned. My live in BF and father of my baby has been arrested 5 times for DUI over the course of his adult life (45yrs old). I met him while he was in "recovery" and on house arrest. He does not have a DL (lost for life - unsure what that really means) and still has about 3 yrs of probation to go. I'm quite certain that if he got arrested for DUI again he would of course go to jail. The first 2 yrs I was with him he was in meetings (court ordered!) had been through IOP - he was not drinking but he was also on home detention. The very moment he was released from home detention he started drinking/getting drunk on the weekend. Soon, after that I became pregnant - at this point my heart is very much involved. I can't believe that he would actaully want to continue to drink, etc. So, I stay with him & after our baby is born we move in together. That was last summer, since - I have set boundaries that in order for me to stay he can not get drunk or drive without a license (he had been driving my vehicle at times which put me at risk for losing my insurance which puts me at risk for not being able to drive.) Anyway, long story short (lol), while he hasn't been drunk since the first of the year - he agreed to go to counseling after a argument (he bought a truck -which he can't license or plate or put insurance & wanted to drive it to the country - 70 miles away just to "park" it - that lead him to complaining that I don't support his "passion" which he listed as drinking. We went to counseling and while there he seemed totally surprised that drinking would come up and told me and the counselor that he intends on getting drunk again someday on this property he bought out in the country (old pattern). When I reminded him of my boundaries and all the negative consequences drinking as already brought him - he still could not commit to not drinking. He had to think about it for a day before telling me that he would not put our future at risk by drinking or driving. Later I asked him what is plan was for not drinking & he just said "well, that's pretty easy. i just won't get drunk. Simple." Does not feel he needs AA or counseling. The kicker to me is that I wanted a chance to build the strongest, most intimate relationship possible but I'm thinking that will never be possible if he doesn't look into what made him drink in the first place. In the past he has a pattern of just withdraw and shutting down by watching endless TV and not responding to conversation - which I'm sure is alcohol related. So sorry this is soooo long -- my question is - based on what I have shared what do you think my chances of my BF actually never getting drunk again or being able to build an intimate relationship? And the discussion of marriage is a whole other topic - that I wish I had room to discuss here. Any advice or insight would be much appreciated. I really should know better as I work in the field of addiction - but I feel so lost when it comes to this side of the issue! I do plan on attending a local Al-anon meeting.
My mother used to say, "Don't ask the question if you are not ready for the answer." This loser will never be ready for commitment or sobriety. Not as long as he maintains his present attitude. FIVE DUIs??? My God, he ought to be in jail NOW. What is wrong with a justice system that would let this guy loose on the public? And not only can you lose your insurance if he DUIs in your vehicle; if he maims someone or worse, you lose everything you ever thought you'd have in your life. People who are hurt in accidents, and families of those who are killed sue for enormous amounts of money and WIN!! Do you "love him" enough to think it's worth the risk? How is the child making out emeshed in this environment? Marriage???? Don't you want better for yourself and your dear child?
I could say things to you like go to meetings, let God lead you to the right answers, etc. But those ideas seem like cop-outs under the circumstances. I will not advise you here, because AlAnon frowns on such, but I would dump him.
Do I sound harsh and cruel? Probably so. I say these things not out of meanness, but out of a sincere concern for your future. Don't continue to throw happiness away with both hands. And, believe me, there is happiness out there waiting, but you are walking in the wrong direction. Turn around and take a look. I truly hope you find a better way.
Best wishes,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 09:23, 2007-07-03
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Wow - when you put it that way. I guess I misrepresented him - actually he has had 4 DUI and 1 PI - but I figure it's really all the same - excessive - at what point do you learn the lesson. As for marriage. . . actually, what I have been asking myself here lately is - I can't marry him if he won't be in Tx. If he were sincere about recovery I think I could be supportive but if he won't get into recovery on his own (my pleading and demanding might get him there but his mind won't really be present) - He thinks because he hasn't actually been drunk sine the first of the year then he doesn't have a problem - he really isn't giving me anything to go on. And if I can't marry him why would I continue to live with him? He said earlier in the summer he wanted to get married this fall - he said that last summer and the summer before - so, I feel like he just buys time. I'm doing some soul searching right now . . . part of me is waiting for him to mess up & then leave and part of me is asking why am I waiting? Thanks for your input.
Suzy, I can feel, somewhere in my heart and soul, that you are beginning to wise up, but he difference between 4 DUIs and 5 DUIs is negligible. You ask when he will learn a lesson...some NEVER learn, and others learn when a victim pays for the A's stupidity with their life. Let's hope your guy learns before he ruins not only his life and possibly someone else's but yours as well.
He does not want to get married. It may be hard for you to accept this concept, but your higher power is with you on this one. BF keeps resisting, and perhaps will long enough for you to completely come to your senses and realize how fortunate you are you DIDN'T marry him.
Take care of yourself sweetheart. Life is too precious to toss aside for someone who is probably never going to be committed to you, even though he may eventually be committed somewhere else. LOL!!!
With caring,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Hi Suzy. Your situation rings some bells with me, I met my current husband during a "dry spell" and soon after we moved in together, he let his sobriety go and seven years later, I am ending the relationship.
You ask what his chances of never getting drunk again? Considering he doesn't desire sobriety the chances are not good. I believe any one can change, and some of the stories I've heard at meeings are of hard core addicts/alcoholics, multiple rehabs, DUIs, prison, you name it. It is possible.
In Alanon I learned that I had absolutely no control or power over whether or not my husband drank. You'd think I'd figured that out already, but when it hit me I was powerless to stop him by saying or doing the "right thing", I could step back and look at our situation with more clarity. I watched him sincerely wish to stop (right after a binge) and then when he felt better, off he went again. This has gone on for a year, over and over.
So if anything, my conclusion is my husband, by his actions, doesn't intend on staying sober. I'm jumping ship so I don't go down with him. I gave him enough time to "see".
When I look at what I knew about him when I was like you, looking toward the future and what it might bring, I knew very little but I did know he had multiple treatments, stints in jail, work trouble, and no DL due to a DUI he avoided court over. Today if a gorgeous man rang my chimes and I knew he had this history, I'd run like hell.
But back when I met my alcoholic, it just didn't seem REAL. He was such a doll, so sweet and gentle, so involved in his church.
Some people who get diabetes take a pill or change their diet and are better for it. Others ignore their health needs and eat sugar to the point they are on insulin and about to lose a leg from gangrene. It's hard to know who will rise to the occaision.
I also worked in the addiction field, even supervised the treatment program on a day to day basis. It's ironic how little my career experience helped me in dealing with my husband.
I hope you get to an Alanon meeting soon, because your best bet all around is to begin to work on your own personal development. That's what Alanon is about, not somehow getting the alcoholic to quit drinking. We avoid giving advice, though at times when a spouse or child is in direct physical danger not many of us can or will keep quiet, and I hope we don't.
This is just my story, and in spite of ending the relationship with my alcoholic, I have gotten so much from this program in dealing with all relationships, and look forward to keeping the tools and other stuff I've learned at the forefront of my life.
I sincerely hope you read something here or hear something at an Alanon meeting that helps you. Actually, it's inevitable if you go :D . So take care of yourself first, stay safe. And keep coming and posting, no more lurking :D .
Sadly a nice relationship with any A is difficult if not impossible.
An A is sick with a disease they will always have. It will continue to get worse and worse.
"Getting Them Sober" Volume one is great at teaching us the truths.
I see red flags in your post hon. Only 4 dui's... one dui is too much. We are drilled and drilled do not drive drunk. Turn it around, what if he was driving and ran into a young gal and her baby and killed her baby?
It happens all the time. There is no prettying up breaking the law.
Also, it is his choice to choose his own path. We have no right to say you need to do this, why don't you do that. He has shown you his morals, how he views the law, is this what you want taught to your child?
If you choose to continue in Al Anon your eyes will be opened. MIne sure were. you said you could not believe he cont. to use. Of course he does. He has a disease, an untreated disease.
I know if I don't take my diabetes pills and eat right I will keep having bad symptoms. Drinking is a symtom of Alcoholism. If HE chose to go to AA and develop a program of recovery, then he may get some well time in.
My example is the people I know. They don't use, they choose good moral values, some mostly follow their program as a map. They may know how they are suppose to act, but the disease is constantly pulling them back.So the program helps them to keep their goals of honesty, integrity, help others, ask other how they are, be moral, follow laws, don't use profanity, clean up, take care of their family etc.
Your A is a walking disease. He is doing exactly what A's do. And he will do this until he dies. There may be times he will be sober but not healthy, still dishonest, still breaking laws, still not treating his family right.
He may have a time of AA recovery, then he may relapse, feel guilty but keep using. get another dui, get sober again and on and on. It is no straight path. NEVER is, never.
This is when YOU must decide for you and your precious little one. If you choose to live with him, then we learn the skills of alanon to be able to do that and do our best to be happy. This is extremely difficult, but can be done.
I was in your position hon. Almost exactly. I had to get a restraining order when my kids were little. did not see him for 10 years.
Kids were grown, he was in recovery with a strong program. He chased and chased me. We married in 99. He was great on his program. I knew nothing about his aism.
two mo. later he had a brain tumor removed. medical relapse down down down dui's, lieing, abusing, I almost lost everything i had built up, my home, I did lose my two vehicles, new pickup, new jeep.
I had to pay all his back taxes and other things he did.
I would NEVER put a child thru the bs of aism. I do not judge those who do. For me, no way. Thank hp as my kids are awesome, strong, worthwhile to the world people.
My A is retarded, wet brained. he is skinny, wrinkled, walks like he is off balance, has no integrity at all. Is meaner than sin.
Again here we can teach you skills if you choose to stay. The first one being, stop watching his life, stop saying he does this or that. We cannot control it, so why bother?
We are not their conscience or their mother, or their PO. Their life is their own. no different than yours.
We concentrate on how we can change our selves as we cannot change anyone else.
Suzy, the brutal truth of the situation was put to you by your own alcholic: he doesn't want to stop. the State has permanently stopped him from driving because the state has realized that no jail, no rehab center and no AA meeting will knock sense into him. The courts have decided that they are going to protect the citizens of their state from your alcholic, if only from driving. This means that if they find him in your car, they're gonna arrest you. If they find him in any car, they're gonna arrest him and the person who's car it is. The courts and the state have become so desprate to protect their citizens that they are simply waiting to catch him to send him to prison. Not jail--they can't find a legal statute long enough to keep him there. Prison--where if he screws up enough they can keep him there for the rest of his natural life. Period. End of quote. Insert new paragraph here. Until the day that he screws up however, the state and the courts have decided that he will not drive. Period. Your alcholic has found that his drinking is the key to his happiness. he does not feel a need to lead a life out side of being completely intoxicated. That is why he was not willing to talk about his drinking during the counceling, he was not willing to respect your boundries, he is not being a father to his child--or to any of his children--and he is not being a partner to you. The fact is that you are living with a person who is so self absorbed that he cannot fathom a life without people attending to his every whim, desire, need or feeling. This means, then, that you need to make a decision. Are you willing to live with someone who doesn't care about any of his children, his past partners, his parents, his boss, his fellow employees, or any one other than himself? Are you willing to put up with a person who looks in the mirror and hates his life because he feels like he got screwed? ARe you willing to live with the reality that no matter how much you rationalize, justify, explain or try to spin the situation, ultimately you're only lying to yourself? because, really, we've all been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and we (in al anon) have come to see that until the alcholics in our lives were absolutely miserable with themselves nothing changed. I had to change me before anything in my life changed, and hon, the fact is my alcholics are still out there drinking--their lives are perfectly happy, functional et cet et cet. They didn't need me to fix them and they still don't. They don't want their lives changed. They wanted me to enable them and be there when they needed someone to fix their disasters. Now that they don't have that, they feel lost, panicked. But they're fine. They're drunk. They're not dead. And the same thing goes for your BF. He's alive. He'll be drunk. But he won't hurt. I hope you keep coming back, and keep posting. I'm glad you're here.
Well suzi am sorry but a mature intimate relationship and the word alcoholic just don't go together . period His first love is the booze every one and every thing comes last, this is a very selfish disease his needs always come first . It is possible to have what u want but sober is a must and a willingness to change . takes time . I would suggest that u find Al-Anon meetings for yourself so that u can understand what it is your dealing with . forget what u think you know about alcoholism. What matters is how it's affecting you and al anon will help with that . Instead of wondering when He will learn his lesson , maybe look into why u keep putting up with his irresponsible behavior fix what you can . YOU Lost for life means just that , no more chances. I believe you can go to court and try but not often successful they take those things away for a reason .
Captivating post and what was most captivating was, "I really should know better as I work in the field of addiction - but I feel so lost when it comes to this side of the issue! I do plan on attending a local Al-anon meeting." You do know better. Maybe it is really about "doing something better." In Al-Anon I learned a ton of stuff and most of all I learned how to do different and therefore better. I became a alcohol and substance abuse Behavioral Health Counselor after coming into recovery so I already had the benefit of program and solutions before doing the work yet coming into recovery was not about being a better counselor or fixer of my alcoholic and our problems.
The problem always was me and the difference twix what I knew or suspicioned and what I did as a result. I did the same ineffective things over and over again expecting different results = insanity. The only issue is living with the disease both for you and your boyfriend. That is two separate choices. He's made his, you have to make yours.
You have already received some very good solid feedback here from gals that work this program. The best I heard, in my opinion, and that worked for me when I got here was get to meetings, keep an open mind and keep coming back (with that open mind). "Bring the mind the body will follow."
You will be amazed what you learn and experience here. I was amazed that I could have a life worth living in this program. You can also and you gotta get here first. Get to as many open Al-Anon meetings in the next 90 days that you can possibly get to and then decide if you are in the right place.
Keep coming back and take as many (((((hugs))))) as you can to carry you thru the first 90.
I used to think your way. If I had a child things would be different because if he REALLY loves me or (even dumber) loves our child, he'll quit. I even said "If you break my boundaries".....blah blah blah..........NOTHING works. Here is the harsh truth. You are not more important and neither is your child to make him quit drinking. Nothing you do, or say will make him quit. You can not control it, you did not cause it and you can not change it. You WILL be me in eight years and three kids later if you do not better yourself and get yourself out of that situation. It is a harsh reality. My ah also said he does not need AA and he can just quit. What a load of crap. Your ah is very deep in denial. My ah also said "ok just a beer, or just one drink....." He made deals with himself that he couldn't keep. Guess who has paid for it all????? Our kids. I've thrown him out and he lives four hours away and NOTHING has changed. He just drinks somewhere else and he still says he loves me and the kids but he loves the drinking MORE. Your ah is no different than any of ours so believe it when we tell you what your future holds. I have to wonder though, what in the world made you go after a man who was "in recovery?" for DUI? If your the "savior" type of person, this is one case where you will NOT save someone only he can do that because he wants to....for himself. I wish you the best, I wish your child a wonderful future...I am so sad that he's the father :( Too many children suffer because of alcoholism. Your in my prayers. I do have to give you points on one thing, your not married to him. You can still save you and your child.
I just want to thank everyone that replied to my post. I really do apprecitate each and everyone's input. I just need to get my mind firmly wrapped around this. After reading all the post I realized for the first time I was actually counting on my BF whom has a problem with alcohol being different from everyone else with a problem with alcohol. Wow . . .
