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Thanks to everyone who replied (and viewed) my posting about detaching. It's not what I thougt it was. Wierd, huh? I am a total hard-ass about certain things. One of those things is when people I am very close to and love relapse. Even though I have been sober for over three years, go to meetings, identify, I still don't understand WHY people relapse. This scares me somewhat becuase what happens to me? I honestly, truly, naively believed, when I first got sober, that was it. You just stay sober, period. I can chuckle at this now. Talk about rose colored glasses!
Anyway, and the point I am trying to make, is am I going overboard with my reactions to the relapse? There is a huge part of me that wants to be that vindictive person, punish the a who is drinking and taking pills. I am SO sick of lies! So sick of work being put in jeopardy by the a who is completely drunk in front of clients! So sick of worrying if he is going to wrap the car around a pole, or worse, kill someone. I know I have a lot of anger and resentments toward this person. I think some of this is to be expected, but how to let go of it? Why do I have these expectations?
I have a great friend who was able to detach from her husband who started drinking again after 15 years sober. She seemed the picture of calm and did exactly what she said she was going to do... set boundaries and stuck by them. Me, no way. I fold like wet tissue, every time!
I am finding it darn near impossible to "take no action": the recommendation in the detachment pamphlet. FEAR. I guess that pretty much sums it up. I have been praying about it, buy maybe I am not hearing the answer. Or maybe I don't want to. Maybe I still think I can fix the world myself. HA! Maybe..... I get some kind of wierd satisfaction from it? I think I need to leave it at that. I am completely over thinking it.
Hi Pup. There is so much good stuff in your post. Where to start? :D
Since you haven't gone postal over your A's relapse, I'd say no, you haven't gone overboard! Feeling 'vindictive' is understandable, feeling like strangling the A or tying them to the bed so they can't wreak anymore havoc is normal too. Alanon doesn't tell us not to have certain feelings, we can't really control what we feel. But we CAN control what we DO ABOUT THEM. I hear you being a little hard on yourself, over stuff that just happens 'cause we're human.
Have you made it to an Alanon meeting yet? Depending on where you live, there should be some "Double Winner" meetings for those of us who've done "field testing" on both sides of the coin. Working with a sponsor one on one for your situation will help you stay emotionally strong. I think we all go through the "wet tissue" stage, prolly your black belt Alanon friend did as well. It's a stage along the way, and we can move past it as our clarity grows, and our self focus is strengthened.
Just like when an alcoholic admits they can't control what alcohol does to them, we admit we can do nothing about the way other people behave. We can't make them do one thing or another. All we can do is take care of ourselves. The "take no action" doesn't mean to sit and cringe. There's plenty of appropriate action to take, just none to "make" the alcoholic stop using or being an alcoholic.
For me, and a little too late, I had to take action to secure myself financially as the A was draining the bank accounts to finance his using. I had to separate myself from him before he hurt me physically. Most of the work was on the inside of myself, though. Detatching my very real and strong feelings of affection for him as he became more out of control. Facing the truth of my tendency to stick my head in the sand, to play along with his insanity to keep the peace.
Your fear will decrease as you take action -- to take care of YOU. That has been very true for me.
Thanks! I am actually going to my first f2f alanon on Thursday morning! I am very happy about that, as I feel I really need it now.
The financial draining thing sounds familar! My a has his own business that has suffered from his drinking in front of clients (he teaches music) plus summer is a little slow, anyway. The thing that really bakes my cookies is I make good money selling real estate, and I am finding myself paying his rent at his studio, and then I find him there, locked in, drinking listerine! (today). He just gave the check to his landlord today, and I know they will not try to deposit it for 2 or three weeks.
I feel I should put a stop on the check and let him deal with this crap himself. Why should I finance his "safe place" to go drink? He loves it because it's right next to a liquor store and a CVS! And it's in the rear of the building! Anyway, I calmly told him that he was not welcome at the house when he is drinking (which of course he denies, he always does) and I took the car keys so he doesn't try driving (which he also always does) and then I gave him a sandwhich and left.
The other thing he did was call a friend of mine looking for her son (who is on probation). This kid is 17 years old, and he has no business calling him. The topper is I was at my friend's house when he called, and she is very hard of hearing and does not answer the phone when her husband is not there. So she asked me to get it, and lo and behold, Listerine breath is on the other line! He didn't even know it was me!
So, the whole thing is a ridiculous situation that I am tired of being caught in. I'll let you know how the f2f goes on Thursday!
