The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so much better in a crisis than I am in everyday life. Now the A is not homeless. I am not in imminent danger of pennilessness and leading a tolerable existence I can't sit still..
I want it all tomorrow.
I know this is one of the traits that leads me towards the A. I will have to do a lot of work on having patience, sitting with where I am and more.
Right now the A is getting assitance from person(s) other than the homless couple and his family. I feel awkward about that. I feel like I've lost my role. At the same time I was absolutely exhausted by the role.
tonight he is moving one of his cars (one the homeless couple felt was theirs) and i know this was a huge relief for him. At the same time I feel like this is a lower priority for him than other things so in reality I am a bit miffed that I did not get to choose when he did what. The control issue is still huge for me. I dont' say much but I also didn't get involved. That was quite a feat for me. Yet I feel responsible and on edge. I'd rather not be part of it (the moving of the car) but at the same time I don't know what to do with myself while I wait to hear if they were successful.
For me in the past not getting involved hasn't necessarily been good. When I left the A with the homeless couple I had no idea I would be found liable for the rent. So it is somewhat hard to have a hands off approach to his actions. I still have moments when I feel he has been arrested (there may be a warrant out for the unpaid speeding tickets by now) and my life will be put into another spiral. Admittedly at least now there is someone nearby to him who would take care of the dogs for me but the A still lives a precarious existence. One being he put moving this car before taking care of his speeding tickets. I certainly can't persuade hm otherwise I know that much.
I have to find a balance between being in control and not being in control. I work super hard to separate myself from lots of the A's stuff. I saw him last week for example for about 1 hour at teh most and turned down all other invitations. At the same time some of that takes time and in the meantime I don't have a lot of good experience with him thinking of my point of view.
I used to get so wound up in this I made myself ill. Right now I can detach some and observe and say do I really need more of this? And there's still part of me that thinks running everything and controlling everything will fix it all. Maybe there is no balance in dealing with an A but I do strive for sanity rather than insanity and illhealth these days.
Marsie, thanks for that share, handing over our A and losing our role, yep I know that feeling, it's what I alway's dreamed of, and yet now it's here I kind of feel a tug of war over him, for me it's more well, he was a fulltime job, what do I do now, I'm redundent? At first I carried on projecting, then , on a few accasions I blew something out of all proportion and he pointed out, "well I'm not drinking and your still creating", my excuse? "well you made me like this, I deserve to be like this", HELLO! WAKE UP CALL, I deserve not to be like that, it's just the aftermath the coming to terms with, the grieving, the letting go, I don't want to be like that anymore, nothing changes if nothing changes!
I went around and around, in circles, like a dog chasing it's own tail, when I got sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, I asked god, please help me, and it wasn't the first time or even the second time, I asked him to, but someone said to me, you know, god alway's answers your prayers ya know, but not alway's in the way's we want him to! He did too!
