The material presented
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I've taken 15 steps backward I believe. My husband got out of rehab last Monday and stayed at my house ( we've been separated since April) for the week until he could move into the halfway house on Saturday. Everything was great. He was going to his meetings, we were getting along. We even went to the park as a family on Saturday. He went to the halfway house Saturday evening and showed up at my house at 7:30 Sunday morning and crawled in bed. He says he doesnt want to spend any more time at that house than he has to. He left around 11:30 to go to a meeting. When he wasnt back by 1:00 I called him and he told me he had gone to his apt to get some things and he wasnt sure waht he was doing after that. That he has no purpose, he doesnt know what to do or where to go, he's in between 3 houses and has no friends. I told him to call his sponsor. A little while later, ( and this is where the slip starts) I drove by his favorite bar and saw his truck in the parking lot. HE"S ONLY BEEN OUT OF REHAB A WEEK! I called him and ( more slipping) started yelling and ridiculing him. I was so mad and hurt. Well that didnt end well. He got mad at me for checking up on him when he asked me not to do that. He told me that when he was in treatment, he may slip and if he does he needs me to be supportive and tell him to call his sponsor. Well I didnt. I just kept getting mad. I told him I dont want to be sucked back into this. He says he knows he made a mistake and I dont have to keep trying to beat it into his head. Then he shows up at my house and crawls in bed last night. He didnt get up this morning to go to his morning meetings at the treatment center, he told me it wasnt until 10:00. At 10:30 I had to go home to pick something up for work and he was STILL ASLEEP!. When I woke him up he said he just overslept. I told him that he was welcome at my house as long as he was in treatment, he's no longer in treatment so he needed to leave. He got up and left. We argued more over the phone with him telling me that my "hard ass" approach wasnt helping. I'm just confused. It's such a blurry line between protecting myself and supporting him. I dont know what to do........
I've had a similar situation...my sugestion is to protect yourself, because in his disease the only thing he can think about is himself. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you. Thats what hurts the most....Hang in there and keep posting and going to meeting for yourself...I was told by an old AA member that if I thought I had problems with him whle he was drinking, wait till he's sober. My thoughts are with you
I actually find the A sober as diffiuclt to deal with as when he is out there. He sometimes has a very difficult time managing his emotions. So do I actually.
Hang in there. You have good insight into yourself and how great to know that you know when you are slipping in your recovery as well. Once we know what we are doing we are much more apt to correct it. Be kind to yourself, we slip too.
I am in a very similar situation at the moment. The disease is powerful and wants to pull me back in with it. The best remedy I've found is to detach and protect myself lest I get pulled back into the eye of the hurricane and end up sick as well. We know that doesn't work out very well.
I love my A but I've come to accept that I can't be supportive if he isn't going to work a program - it just isn't going to work for me or us. So protecting myself and being very careful and going slow is my mode of action. I told my A this a.m. who is in a facility at the moment that he needed to have 30 days of sobriety and a recovery program before we talk again. It is hard but I am not the one who can be supportive at the moment. There are other people to help him if he wants to truly work it. And I need to stay true to my own wellness.
Hang in there and be true to yourself - you deserve it!
I like the idea of 30 days of sobriety first. He has been in treatment twice and has never accomplished that. The only thing that holds me back is that we have kids. Is it fair to to keep the kids from their dad for my sanity?
As someone who's been to the brink of insanity with this stuff I think its fair to set limits for your sanity. Nothing is pemanent. You can set limits now and review them later.
About the kids . . . they do need their dad, but what if he was in the hospital injured for a month? They wouldn't have access to him 24/7, but they could visit, and of course they would understand WHY he wasn't in the home.
Alcoholism is a disease that YOU can understand needs "confinement" in a sober house. And yes, your sanity is important, considering the kids need to have at least one parent who is in good form. If you go bonkers, they'll have no one. So it can all be thought of in a slightly different way, not so black and white.
Whether the alcoholic chooses sobriety or not, somehow you have to keep yourself in good shape for the kids and for yourself.
My A has been to six treatments in his life, one with me three years ago. My A is a very sick man and is still out there using and wreaking havoc, a restraining order is the only thing keeping him from the home. Still, before the restraining order he was here, using, binging and disappearing. No kids thank God, but it was up to me to really work hard with the Alanon tools to take care of myself no matter what he did. I found that the tools of detatchment were the most helpful, and believe it or not, I had more good days than bad even when he was raising hell right and left in this house!
I would definitely not want to live like that long term, and thankfully I do not have to anymore. But hopefully your A will desire sobriety. The period of detatchment and sober living elsewhere may make it easier for you to get your sanity back.
I just thought of something else . . . this is just perhaps another way to look at your situation. You mention your understandable desire to have him home, in your bed and moment to moment life. Of course, he's your beloved.
But if he had an illness normally treated in a hospital, like pneumonia, how would your desire to have him by your side be then? You would tolerate his absense knowing he is not near as likely to get better outside of 24 hour care in a hospital. Your need for his presence would take a backseat to his health.
Ya know, my AH told me something similar to yours one time after a crack binge....he said that he is working really hard to stay clean but he IS going to slip from time to time and that I have to understand that....and that I have to be there to support him, not kick him when he is down....and that being a B**** about it didn't help him in the least.
Well that just PISSED ME OFF ROYALLY. Was that going to be his excuse every time he rolled back in after being gone for a night, 24 hours, several days, a week, several weeks, a month??? "Ooops I slipped, give me a break, give me another chance" I hear the whole bit about how he loves me and cannot get passed this without my love and support.
It gets tiring. I know. Just when I think I cannot possibly take any more, he flies straight for a while. But the longest he has gone is 6 months in the last 18 months since I have known about his addictions. He is on month 4 this time. I am waiting it out, enjoying the good times when they are there and working the program to get through the not so good times.
Keep you chin up. Examine your feelings, your thoughts, your wishes for what you want for yourself in the future and work hard to obtain it. Only you can decide what is right for you and the kids. You have to talk to him and find out his thoughts on visiting the kids, maybe you can work something out....like visit the kids ONLY if he is sober. If he is not, then no visiting. But like I said, you have to figure out what is right for you. Keep coming back and posting. I find posting always helps me sort through my thoughts and feelings. We are here for you.
Just a hug to you and what you're going through. I,too, have been there - right where you are. A lot of self-doubt, and a lot of projecting. What worked for me was sticking to my boundaries, saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I have two children (boys ages 10 & 11 at the time), and I explained to them very simply that Daddy was sick and needed to get help. He couldn't get that help if he was living with us. They weren't too sure, but they knew they could at least trust ME - so, when my H would come to visit, I was always present. He finally entered a rehab after about a month of not being in the home, and things seemed to go great for about a year and a half. We have been very open and honest with our kids, and the family has adjusted. He recenly became addicted to pain meds (prescribed by HIS OWN doctor...fool!) and we are once again visiting the "doubt and fear zone". But, today, thanks to Alanon and all that I have learned, I am taking this next challenge one day at a time, and learning to put my needs first. If he needs to fall down again, I have made it clear that I will NOT help him back up! Good luck to you. Lean on the others here, they will help. God Bless!
I think for me one of the core issues of my codepndency is not liking my reality much. I don't like that the A has no support, no money, no health nothing. I want to fix it. I can't.
I also of course don't like my own situation.
I think rather than do what I can about my own situation I wanted to obsess about the A's situation as a way to cope with it.
I find it very very difficult to deal with the A still and i have not lived with him for a few months now.
I wouldn't say recovery from codependency is easy but it is sanity.
I think the stat is something like 70% of rehab release's will relapse within 2 weeks? Something like that, it's not good. The best thing you can do, at least from my prospective, is practice the line from the serenity prayer :Courage to change the things I can. It's okay that you're upset. You don't have to be okay with it. But you don't have to indulge in the insanity.
Your hard ass attitude ? hmmmm seems to me u keep letting your boundaries slide. He is also trying to make u responsible for his slips , nothing u say or do will make him drink your simply not that powerful , drinking is his choice don't take that crap on . I understand your indession with him , obviously u still care for him and thats ok , it is ok to love an alcoholic . We too play the come here go away game they can stay as long as they play it by our rules , right !!! well that dosent work either . Accepting who they are is tough , but necessary for our own sanity he will stop when he says enough ! not when u do . Someone said along time ago . If you can't accept it leave it -- and if u can't leave it u damn well better find a way to accept it. made perfect sence to me . I hope your going to meetings for yourself u need support . good luck Louise
"If you can't accept it leave it -- and if u can't leave it u damn well better find a way to accept it. made perfect sence to me ." Me too. I like that. It really is very black and white isnt it? Thank you so much. That post just made my light bulb go off..
from my experience, I have always said, love them just how they are, drunk, using, in rehab, out of rehab, in recovery, relapsing, using, sick of using back in rehab....
This is Addiction. It is the disease they have. Rehab means to me, he gets some sober time in and that helps his body.
But it has nothing to do with me. I love him no matter what, but my boundary is no one can be in my house who abuses, does not respect me or my home, does not contribute in some way.
He may not work, he is too sick, but he can do dishes, cook some, feed the animals, build me something,
My A is not here becuz he is now terribly abusive. so sad.
30 days means nothing to me. nothing rehab nothing none of it. It is NOT my inventory.My inventory is my life.
I don't want anyone monitoring me. I am an adult.
The A has rights too. we all want to be loved for who we are.
but it is up to us to have boundaries. If you or anyone cannot handle him around them when he is using, then say so. please do not come over if you choose to use. Of course it is your choice. I love you no matter what.
That is what they need, they need what little dignity they have left.
I thought it would make my A and Me closer. It didn't.He did not want to drink and come home. He made himself feel so guilty, here I was loving him no matter what, he did not know how to take that. Then the ugly horrible abuse got worse. that was that.
anyway that is how I see Al Anon. I learned to completely disengage from the disease. All I saw was the man i loved.
