The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need some opinions / experiences any of you've had in this regard:
My emotions are off the wall. Sometimes I think that I need help, medication, something. But then I think, there's no possible way this is going to be helped as long as I'm with AH or at least as long as he's still in the throws of Aism. I'm extremely emotional when he does another A behavior or does anything hurtful. I try to remember that it's the Aism but it's so hard not to take it personally when I've done so much for him - and also when some stuff happens - arguments, him in a bad mood/being a total jerk once in a while when he's sober (he's sober most of the time). I'm not the type that could actually go through with suicide, but I have the same thoughts - and it's usually after a fight or something he's done - I get pushed over my edge. I have detached somewhat - but there's only so far that you can detach when you're in a relationship with the A. I don't know what to do, I feel like if I go get help for this - that if/when the dr finds out I have an AH - he's gonna look at me like I'm stupid and the only option is to get rid of AH. AH seems to be trying to do the right things - yes he's made some excuses & mistakes, missed a mtg he said he'd go to - but he's actually been to 2 in the last few weeks & stated he wanted help/to get better so I think that's a start. I dunno....
Honey the whole point is to get help for YOU. YES get it when you are with him for sure. This is when ya need it. It will help you to cope and put your skills to use.
It helped me so much to go on anti depressants when A was going to have the brain operation, my mother was dieing, and we just moved. MORE I moved us.
Then with all the life obstacles it helped too.
Learning the surrendering to my hp changed my life. I very rarely ever worry anymore. I put my life in hp's hands period.
my heart goes out to you. I invite you to think of you first. Maybe go to your doctor, think about your goals, put them on your fridge. "Born for Love" by Leo Buscaglia, is a wonderful book. Easy to read. Just quotes and little stories.
I am really a health nut type not foofoo, but started painting my toenails... sometimes my nails. Just to feel pampered and some how I find it cool to look at my muddy hands but have pretty pink polish on with my rings. lol
I have my daughter trim my hair. If I can afford it, I love to snoop at Goodwill and other thrift shops.
(all my pigs have blankets...)
I wear what is comfy for ME. I do this for ME. I wear overalls with lacey tops, filmy hippie dresses.
for me.
There is still life out there for you. NOT just the A's disease bs, what makes us put him up there and what we do has to fit?
plant flowers, play with the dog, volunteer doing what you love to do.
My Ah sober for one year, say's a lot of hurtful thing's still, but I have found that his actions speak louder than word's, and if I can try hard and stop analysing his every move I feel better in myself, I just realised for the first time only this weekend it's like I'm watching, waiting for him to slip up all the time, and thats not fair, I must remind myself here's a person that drank every day of his life and now he doesn't, and the one thing he does wrong and I'm there berating him. They are not on trial, and we can't be thier judge and Jury, if we want to have a new beginnings, we have to change our old behavouirs, and our own is the only place to start. I would have problems with or without an A in my life, for the simple reason the illness has affected me too, by making myself my main concern, I am feeling much better, when I was needy and clinging I felt worthless, I am becoming independent and strong, I hope I am more of a help to my H with this new frame of mind.
My experience has been very similar to what you describe. There is no shame in loving an A. Honestly there isn't. I know when I first came into the program it was to get support to leave my A. I sure as hell didn't want to sit around and whine about the fact that I stupidly married an A. I kept comming and the A got sober and worked AA and we had a few great years. I stopped going to alanon when he got sober. When he relapsed I hit my bottom. I came running back to alanon and jumped in with both feet. I really lost my mind. I did some really crazy things and had some really crazy thoughts and I didn't want to kill myself but I really didn't want to go on living. And I had an 8 yr old, a 4yr old and a 5 week old. I went to meetings every single day, twice if I could, I made phone calls to program people, I went and got private councling and I did go on an anti-depressent. I was very against the idea of drugs. I really thought that I should be able to handle my life. With all the help I was getting and the effort I was putting forth to get a grip I really didn't believe that I was reduced to having to take a pill. But I did, because I was desprete. And it helped. It didn't cure me, I still was a mess, I still leaned on my friends, family, and this program. But the pills gave me a little relief so that I could do what I needed to do. I think all of your feelings are completly normal at this point. I have felt them too. You don't have to leave your A because he's an A. I left mine because it's what I thought I should do. And it didn't work. I was miserable. It wasn't right for me at the time. I learned here that is ok to love him. Even though he has a disease that makes him do horrible, crazy things I can still love him. And as our friend Debilyn says love the person hate the disease. Now, about you...what can YOU do for you? What do you need to do to make yourself feel better? He cannot make you better. He cannot make you happy. His sobriety will not fix you. I only know this to be true because it was true for me.
I agree with Maresie2. Counseling helps. Alanon is a great palce but there is no reason why you cant have Alanon and a professional counselor. My counsleor has really helped me to look at myself and my actions. Using her sessions in conjuction with Alanon is amazing.
Just remember, it's one day at a time. Today is a bad day. The good news is, you get to start new tomorrow.
I would agree you are suffering too much. And this program is not about what to do or how to survive until the alcoholic gets sober.
When your emotions are so desperate, it is a sign that you are in trouble and more than anything you need to take steps to help yourself, whatever that is. If it means leaving the A, that is your choice. You have choices. You are supported in doing whatever you have to do to have more peace and quiet in your life. Many couples have benefitted from temporary separations, some Alanons have ended the relationship to get better, some have stayed and gotten better along side a using A.
It is entirely up to you. One way isn't better than another.
One thing is for sure, what you are feeling is VERY FAMILIAR to all of us here! And we've all had to do different things to relieve ourselves of the pain. You do not have to suffer like this, and when you begin taking care of you, you will suffer less and less no matter what the A is doing.
I said in another post that I was able to have more good than bad days alongside my using A by using Alanon tools. I also said I could not have done so indefinitely, I am not superhuman and refuse to go to crazy lengths over something I have no control over.
You are sort of reaching a 'breaking point' perhaps. These breaking points can be good things, they help us get crystal clear about our needs and what we are willing to put up with to get what we need. Keep your head high and chin up. You deserve to feel better, and no doctor is going to deny you that. I too benefitted from taking antidepressants, it gave me a leg up, so to speak. It kept the "lows" from going so low I was in despair, and enabled me to have the mental and emotional energy to use the tools and benefit from using them.
Thank you all so much for all your opinions & experiences - I think I will make an appt w/ the doctor soon - once I get my insurance in effect for the new job. Thank you again!
