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Hello (((Everyone))). I am in Great need of some EH&S today. My mind is taking over and all I want to do is cry. i know this is not a bad thing as it helps to cleanse the soul but I need to get through my day. My dilemna is that now that my A is in AA and making all kinds of new female and male friends. I feel left out. He will not include me in any activities he does with them family invited or not he goes it alone. He says he needs time. So i said I would give it to him BUT now my problem I also know that many times in AA divorce rate poops up through the sky as the A feels connected to anohter A of the opposite sex and then they have anaffair y A has connected to a woman in AA and I have asked to meet her only to be heard on deaf ears. He has told me she is very impotant to him but claims he is not cheating. We all know trustuing an A is not easy. So i am looking for some EH&S to get me through this so very tough time. I can not sleep I am always thinking he is not at meetings even thinking of following him ( how sick is that) I cry often and I am always sad unless I am with him. Enough said please HELP me. Thank you to anyone who answers this I feel like I am loosing my mind here. Sunshinedt
First, a big hug to you. It sounds like a tough spot you are in. I know for me that when my A supposedly said he was going to A, my gut still didn't believe him - I did follow him and I did check up and my gut was correct, he was not going. He also told me that he was talking to another female in the program and I went crazy. You are not alone in your feelings. However, I've realized through the past few months that I was getting sicker and sicker the more I worried about whether or not he was going to meeting and/or who he was talking to. I'd let his disease consume me too and I was and am powerless over alcohol.
The best thing I did for myself was to first get busy into my program and do things for myself. I took and exercise class, started golfing, and walking with others and went to 2 meetings a week. That alone helped me lift my focus on his recovery, made me start feeling better about myself and throughout the past few months gain the strength I needed to look at my situation more objectively. I still don't know where the relationship is headed at the moment and if we'll ever get it to the place I need it to be, but I am in a better place to work through it as I work on only myself.
I know it hurts and is hard- my heart goes out to you.
((((Sunshine)))) Try to breathe and detach a bit. It is difficult to detach but is it helping right now to hang on? I experienced some of that strange early recovery fear just last week. When my AH returned from the halfway house one of the boundaries I gave him was private talk time with his sponser and if he needed to go to a meeting by himself even if he'd already asked me to go then all he needs to do is say that. I have to admit that I was a bit fearful about AH confiding in other women in his group, my boundary was I know there are women there and that you all fellowship after a meeting but there is really no reason for AH to be alone with any of the women there. I would consider it inappropriate especially this early in the recovery game. I realize that there are males and females that "hook" up in early recovery. That's "13th stepping it" and its as sick as all get out. That's their issue in recovery not yours or mine. I'd say if you have a sponser talk to your sponser about this issue. If you don't try and get to a F/F meeting. Read some literature if you can. I had to finally detach with love and tell myself, I put the boundaries out there if my AH crosses those boundaries I have consequences. Going outside my marriage for any reason is unacceptable. I realize though that A's gain E,S, and H through many outside sources as long as its related to program or recovery I'm good. The boundaries are there in AA too. As I've gotten to see my AH's home group members I can see there are boundaries. The more I focus on my program and my serenity the more relaxed and easy I feel.
Be good to you today you deserve it.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I have tremendous abandonment issues. Sometimes its hard for me to separate out the abandonment issues and what is going on with the A. For whatever reason many A's including the one I have been invovled with for years are often on and off in relationships. He's on one moment, off the next.
I tend to really personalize that. Like right now for example the A is not answring his cell phone. I paid his last cell phone bill so I can take that as a personal affront of sorts. On the other hand he is trying and he is working. I don't get to have it all my way. I have to admit that when I recently stepped in to help the A out that there was a running commentary going through my head about how I wanted the next phase of his life to be entirely under my control. When I am in that place of wanting it all to be mandated by me I am in deep trouble.
I set a lot of limits with the A these days at the same time I don't live with him and I know if I did I would be often back in those red zones of feeling out of control or abandoned. For me personally some of it is the a and lots of it is my own issues of abandonment and control issues left from my own life.
Detaching helps me a great deal. At the same time for me personally detaching is an active rather than a passive process and one that requires ingenuity, patience and persistence.
Here's my ESH for you . . . when I found out recently that the A had a 'girlfriend', it only confirmed my suspicions. It was enough that he took off to use and drink, and I had to admit that in general, what takes a husband away from his wife and home usually involves another woman, even if alcohol and drugs are obviously involved.
If your A is not being true to the marraige, what will you do? I mean after you experience the emotional horror of it? What can you do? Is being abandoned by an unfaithful alcoholic such a bad thing after all? They do things because of their disease that feel like death blows. They are not thinking about our welfare at all because they can't.
Sometimes it's best to let yourself feel the truth as you best see it. At least you are in honesty with yourself, and it ends the waffling.
Newly recovering A's, as well as still using ones, have practically no boundaries to speak of. Since YOU are onto him, and he can't fool you much anymore, he may seek out acceptance of his character defects with someone else who doesn't know him or care about him as you do. It's sick, it's wrong, and it hurts. But they do it all the time.
What I had to do was tell myself the truth and allow myself to get angry. Angry at the situation and the disease. It was not a hot, wild temper tantrum anger, it was actually cold and it woke me up. No way! Hearing from a completely uninvolved party about my A's girlfriend helped snap me out of my waffling. It was sort of a last straw. I wasn't surprised, I was disgusted and relieved. But that was my response to my situation. Yes, it hurts thinking of it, but it underscores all my reasons for being done with it all.
Many A's are unfaithful, but wake up and fly right. I don't think it has to be the end of a marraige if you don't want it to be. But facing the facts for yourself, no matter how painful, is where we all must start in order to move into a better life. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers through what must be one of the worst times in your life. God bless you, sister.
I know how the thoughts of another woman can be all consuming. For me, it was way more threatening than the drugs/alcohol, and continues to tbe so today. What I finally had to do was view the affair as part of the illness (and it was an addiction) and apply the 12 steps to it. The two most important ones for me were Steps 1 and 3. It wa tough but I came to terms with the fact that in no way, shape or form could I control the relationship he had, thus I kicked him out. Then, I truly prayed to God (my HP) and genuinely asked him to take all my burdens - my fears, my worries, my pain, my anger... While the situation did not dramatically improve at first, I suddenly realized I felt more peaceful and was at least able to deal with life of a day to day basis, something I was totally losing before I handed it all over to God. I'm sorry for your pain. I wish you peace.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
What about bringing him up some gourmet coffee to the meeting in a rather nice surprise???...and sit your pretty self right next to him!! I am very territorial and if I have suspicions you better believe I would be there. You'll be able to tell by his reactions what's up. Then get ready to follow through with what you decide to do. Would you leave him? Would you kick him out? Think it through, but I would go up there in a heartbeat! That's YOUR man.
Thank you all for your eh&s. I thought I would be able to throw him out if the answer is yes but with that said I am not sure. I am going to work my program and also do what needs to be done to find out the truth. But until then I will fake it til i make it that I am happy with things and I will put much more faith in my HP to help me work this out. Thanks again love you all,
