Awesome feeling, isn't it?! I used to be a people pleasure too, and when I did say no, was compelled like you said to offer an explanation.

Great post ((((GG)))))

I sooooooo know what you are talking about!

Pre alanon saying no was so very very very difficult.  Saying no without justifying it was impossible!

I still remember the first time I did it after coming into program. 

I had gone to a Little League Baseball game to watch a friends son play.  I was looking forward to sitting, eating some peanuts and relaxing.

When I got there one of the teams didn't have a full squad so they had to forfeit the game, so consequently the "paid" umpires left.  The two teams decided to scrimage anyway for practice with the team short of players borrowing a couple of players from the other team.

My friend came over to me and asked me if I wanted to help them out, they needed someone to be the base umpire.  Man, I didn't want to do that.  I just wanted to watch.  But my ole people pleaser tendencies were screaming at me to say yes.  I took a deep breath told them pp's to take a hike and said No, thank you.  And not another word.

Wow!  The silence after that was deafening!!!! To me .

He just said okay, and went and asked someone else.  I was sure he would be mad at me.  Of course he wasn't.  I sat back and enjoyed watching the game.  And felt so wonderful for not having done something I didn't want to, just to help someone else for a change.

Its still hard!  And sometimes I still explain.  But it's getting a little easier!!

Thanks for the post.

David

I grew up learning the opposite. My mother NEVER did anything for anyone and it was a burden so I loved it when I was needed. I just didn't realize to the extent that I would go to to please my ah.............that's when my friends helped me out and told me "same story, different year" to stop doing crap for him because he expected it. I quit.

I'm beginning to see my people pleasing was often the beginning of a grudge. As someone who's had more than their fair share of grudges I try to really carefully evaluate what I will and won't do these days.  I feel isolated at the moment that's for sure because I really have to watch carefully who and where I am involved.  At the same time I feel like I'm taking care of me far far more clearly than I ever have been.  I know I just dont' want to deal with anymore resentments.

Maresie.

I remember learning in college to say "NO!" out of necessity.  As a college student, and the president of a popular campus club, I was assaulted constantly with requests for donations of money, time, and resources. 

I spent so much time going through my mailbox everyday going through it all.  The worse was direct solicitations from shameless faculty members for personal favors.  Unlike most college students, I was a married mom in college, although young, so my time was extremely limited.  I had to learn to say no to safeguard my grades.

I actually practiced saying no and got really good at it.  I actually rehearsed a phrase I would say when my polite refusal was not accepted.  It was "I am SOOOO very sorry, but I have neither the time nor the inclination to undertake such a task!".  LOL, I thought my fancy speech and words softened the blow a bit, LOL. 

After a while I got even better at it, and would interrupt people in the middle of their request and hold up my hand in a stop mannerism and say "uh...(wait for them to stop talking)...NO".  

Learning to say NO was so freeing...and such a relief I think I started to enjoy it too much and said it too often...a couple of times I had to go back and say yes to really worthy causes, LOL.

In the end, I felt good about the causes we did choose to help, we were able to really give them our all and feel good about it, not used.   That is really the key to  giving and having it be HEALTHY for you.  You must be able to give in  way that is not so stressful you feel used and abused.