The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My father (the A) and I haven't spoken to each other for a year. This was my choice. He would always make fun of women in front of me, criticize everything I did, and can become quite violent at times. He would always try to get me to take care of him when he is quite capable of taking care of himself. I don't like being around him at all. I would always continue the relationship because he was my father. I started thinking about what was best for ME and being around him was not, so I ended the relationship. I know he is sick and anything that comes out of his mouth has nothing to do with anyone but himself. I also thought about my daughter and what she was learning about me choosing to be around him. I don't want my daughter to learn that it is acceptable to be around someone who doesn't respect women.
My grandmother called me and the guilt tripping and manipulation started again. She said, "Are you ever going to make up with your father? He's getting older and his hands are really bad. He is leaving everything to your daughter because he loves her. (meaning he took me out of his will) He put his house in your daughter's name (also meaning he took my name off his house". She started the shaming about what a terrible daughter I was to end the relationship. How could I be so cruel.
It is always about poor, pitiful Dad. He's had such a terrible childhood and I am responsible for how he feels. NOT! He's lonely. I am responsible for his loneliness. NOT! His health is really bad. I am responsible for his health. NOT!
My father knows about AA because when my parents were married, my Mom took him to a meeting. He refused to go again which was his choice. My mother left him because the verbal and physical abuse got so bad. He tried to strangle her in front of me and I had to call the police because I thought he was going to kill her.
I have gotten to a point in my life where I don't want the drama and games anymore. I'd rather walk away than to continue in the circus, father or no father.
Well Kissers, we are probably long lost sisters, 'cause your dad sounds like my dad to a T.
Needy, demanding, oblivious to others having a life apart from him and offended if they do.
I too "ended" the drama by having no contact with him. And I've had plenty of family members express concern over this. My stepmother, once close to me, has refused to speak to me for years. She's a good lady, but oh well.
It worked best for me to not have contact with him indefinitely. He doesn't know where I live, because he's the type to show up on my door step unannounced. I'd have to hurt his feelings if he did, so I make sure this won't be an issue.
And over the years (it's been at least 10 years and I've seen him once) I've had plenty of inner turmoil over this. Mainly, I wondered if I was just being too stubborn. My father is an active A/addict, he's getting pretty old, not long for this world the way he's going. But this has worked for me, and so far I haven't been challenged by circumstance to have contact with him.
It's about taking care of me, and it's sad when a daughter must steer clear of her own father to maintain peace. But it's a fact and I live with it.
I believe what's written in Al-Anon literature and is written very clearly in the "Getting Them Sober" books by Toby Rice Drew, that - "what's good for you is good for them."
I think of that whenever I have to set a boundary that would cause me to feel guilty. I remind myself that if it's good for me - it's good for them. Another name for it is tough love.
Al-Anon taught me that I don't have to accept abuse and it doesn't help anyone if I do. It's no one else's business. Of course, there will be some flack especially in family situations. It's extremely hard when it's your grandmother doing the manipulating and boundaries can be set with her, too, hopefully without cutting her out of your life.
I believe in detaching with love if it's possible. If someone shows up on my door step without calling me first, I get to decide whether or not I open the door. It's MY door! It has my name on it and I can open or keep it closed as I wish.
What I've found with A's is that my words don't mean anything. A's don't pay attention to words, only actions, just as we can't trust their words, only their actions.
Another thing I do that helps me is to pray for that person. My HP understand what's going on even better than I do. Never say "never" gives me hope because I've found that it's sometimes amazing how circumstances can change.
I hope some of this helps. (Take what you like and leave the rest)
