The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I am working my days on, and my regular partner is on holiday for a few weeks. Which means I am running the rota (Work in the community, care assistant), with different people everyday. I am the one who is showing direction to these people. They are all agency workers, and I was feeling kind of doubtful of my ability. OMG can I do this...lol Of course I can, I have been doing it over 10 years, I have 100% confidence in my ability to do my job.. So where did the self doubt come from....hmmmmm.
Anyway, today was my first shift out on this rota, I was like oh, who will i get, are they trained...Will I need to carry them for 101/2hrs....lol
Last night I was in so much despair with my life, my situation, I prayed and asked god to, help me, take this away from me, as I could "NOT" handle anymore of this......I was feeling so stressed, tearful, and totally fed up with everything....
LOL....The person I got to work with me this morning.........Was a lovely lady, had been in Canada for 40 years, and just returned to Uk a few months ago.... She also has a whole lot of years behind her in "AA"....lol (how ironic).
WOW........What kind of gift was that from God....She was awesome, we clicked right from the word go....She called me "Hen" (all chatroom buddies will get this joke). She has a canadian accent..lol
Anyway she tore strips off of me, for the whole shift.....Told me to "Stop" Thinking, analizing, forget about other people (Not my business), to deal with ME..... She had an answer for everything..lol She shouted at me, told me what I did NOT want to hear, but needed to hear.... I told her, I did NOT like her at that moment...we both laughed.
This was a breath of fresh air into my life today...I feel blessed, and honoured she was sent to work with me... We swapped phone numbers, e.mail addy's, agreed to remain in contact as friends.
It was sooooooooo funny, In the AA environment there is a divider I think, like your Al-Anon and they are AA. I had NO feelings like that with this person. She has a great personallity like me, laughes at me, and with me..
She told me If she had been my sponsor, she would have fired me by now..lol This is all about MY recovery no-one elses...She also informed me, that my "Sickness" goes way, way back, not about what my issues are today, or who with.
What have I learned today ???????
I have learned that the relationship I so deeply "Want", has NO chance of happening, Just now....Both of us are too unhealthy, and sick. And for today we are using eachother, but we are in no way gaining happiness from it. We both need space, and time to work on us.
So, after getting a real hard 101/2 hrs from a Recovering A in the programme....Guess what......I think at "Last", something has finally gotten through my thick head..lol
I might cry sometime for this relationship I so desperately want, for the man I want to love me back in so many ways. For the happiness I have not gotten, for all the fantasy's I have been living in the last eight months, and for all the pain I have gone through.... I "NEED" my time, he needs his time, I "NEED" my recovery....
Who knows what Gods plans are for the future, I can only live in this day.
There has been a reason I have been continually involved with this person. We are still speaking to eachother...(He doesnt know about all this today) This is for me. I am leaving him to his HP and his recovery, he knows where I am....
Woohoo. Who would have thought after all this pain, denial, etc...it would take an Alcoholic to finally get through to Ally...lol
I am very greatful, and lucky I met this person today...And she thinks im a nutjob..lol
Glad things are coming together for you. I really laughed out loud when I read she would have fired you by now if she was your sponsor. In AA that happens a lot -- they have to work it. What I've found in Alanon is that we don't want to hear the truth so we fire our sponors to find one who will tell us what we want to hear -- that's just been my experience.
When you find someone who you can "hear" -- one that will tell you the truth whether you like it or not -- they are a keeper. These are the people who gain nothing by telling you what you need to hear, they have pure motives and allow you to turn what they say over in your head to see if it applies. They are also the ones who keep you honest and won't let you lie to yourself I think that is awesome and really do believe HP gave you a gift today.
Sponsors do not fired folks......... They do however tend to bring a different way of thinking to those they sponsor. Program is about you, not anything else. It for me taught me to realize that the world does not rotate around me,but if I allow it my life can stop being a struggle and become the gift it was meant to be.
Everyday is a n ew beginning for me to enjoy not look at it as a challange. Some days are full and others are for rest. We continue to have hardship because we fail to learn the lesson that is present we need to learn.
Ask HP only once and then let it go. Begging does nothin g but stall. To ask in Faith means we beleive if we place it up to HP it will be taken care of as it should be.
I think that is awesome and really do believe HP gave you a gift today.
