The material presented
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Well, only for a week to see my mom in another state. The A is not going, I will be 900 miles away. We have not made love in almost 2 months. He's not seeing anyone else, he is always home, or just across the street with his A friend (and his wife.) This morning, I laid in bed when I should have been up, hoping to get a little tenderness. Asked him to hold me, he turns over and pats my arm. Rubs my shoulder with his thumb a little bit. I ask if he will touch me....he groans"I need to take a shower. I need to get into work..(he can check in anytime this morning, and only works about an hour). So I get up and take a shower. Start packing. He takes his shower, goes into bedroom. He's standing at the dresser I put my hand on his arm....he turns around with a sign" WHAT????" Me: Please just love me Him: I didn't say I didn't Me: Well, actions speak louder than words. You don't show it. And you don't tell me you DO, either. I walked out of the room, tears starting to fall. Don't want him to see. He gets ready, gets in truck and leaves. No good-bye. No kiss. Hope he comes back to take me to the airport. Surely he will. Except for sex, he wants me to go places with him, wants me to sit outside and talk to his buddy with him. Acts nice enough to me in front of them. I am so damn hurt and so damn confused. I am sick. I feel like throwing up. I feel like if I start crying, I will never stop. Have to leave for airport in about an hour. Not done packing. Paralyzed, cannot move. Feel like screaming my stupid head off. If you are watching the news and you hear that some crazy woman has tried to jump off an airplane over Ohio, it's me.
Now I have to go to my Mom's, and it drives me crazy there. She is 86 and having a hard time. Also she is very critical (but tries to do it lovingly) Now, when I get there, I will have to hear how she doesn't like my hair much How I have gained weight How my jeans are too long and my shirt is making me look heavy. God, be with me. I feel like I am losing my mind. My life is falling apart, and I can't even be here to try to catch it. Gone for a week. And around people who drive me crazy for that week. My immediate thought right now. How friggin stupid am I!!! Don't think I'm crazy for thinking this, but now I know how people just snap and do something stupid. And crazy. Becky1
No, your not stupid......you're human.....You want to be loved, be needed, "Feel" loved.......So do we all. But It is NOT you...It is his problems, his mind, and his own business.....
You know my story, I have the opposite from you... All he wants is sex, no spending time outwith the bedroom..... I am feeling like you are today...But WHY, should WE want to do the stupid thing.........We are worthy of more than this.
Just take it a day at a time, and let the space between you, see what happens...He might actually miss you????
Love you, sending ((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))
A's and intimacy issues seem to go hand in hand. I have heard, and experienced myself, so many stories similiar to yours. The one thing I have heard that really helps is to remember its about them. Not about me. I want to go down that road of figuring it must be something wrong with me, but I know now it is not.
Like Ally said, try to use this time apart from A gain a little clarity for yourself. Take your program toolbox with you to use with your mom. Maybe you can find a way to a meeting at some point over there?
((((Becky))) My heart goes out to you hun. i know what you and Ally are speaking of. My A is nice to me outside of the home and lately has started to become nicer at home but and that is a big but he will not so anything for me except sex. He will not go anywhere with me or our kids and has no time for anything but his meetings not. I have to tell him to tell me he loves me. But he will only do this during sex which means nothing really. It is a sad situation we are worth so much more than we are getting but like David said it is them and it is the desease hand in hand. They can not give us the love and affection we need because they can not give it to themselves. They on some level are non feeling so that way they do not have to deal with themselves. I know how sad and hard it is to live with I have clarity moments where i say I will not let him get to me and other times when I just sit and cry over it. But as alanon says put you first and i am going to try to make my own life and do as me and the kids need and if he wants to join in fine otherwise I will not allow myself to be prisoner as i feel of this loniness. I for me feel like a prisoneer and i want out and i want love and I want to be accepted for me. But until I accept me for me and love me I know it will be hard. I hope that makes sense. I am so sorry for what you are gong threw and just remember when you are at your mom's to keep it simple and her comments may be said with love and when they upset you think of happier times and this too shal pass. I hope this helps and know you are not alone. We love you for you. Sunshinedt
becky, my A has problems with intimacy too. he doesn't touch me either. when we are in bed and my foot touches his, he moves it away from me. rarely do i get a hug "just because" or a soft touch on my arm. he will kiss me goodbye when he's leaving but it's been many months since i have had a passionate kiss. we have sex maybe once every 2 weeks and it's all about him. he is a selfish lover. (didn't used to be that way) i know it's his stuff and has nothing to do with me but i need passion and touch and caring in my relationship. it is a basic human need. i am taken care of financially. have a beautiful home. kids are grown-up. we travel alot. he owns his own business and is a hard worker. he is not drinking. i feel we are best friends. he'll do anything in the world for me and i am grateful for that. but he is so lacking in the intimacy department. i try to be grateful for what he does give to me but sometimes i feel so sad and "slighted" about what we could have. i just try to go one day at a time.
There's a good chance your A's lack of intimacy is just due to his alcoholism. That's the case with my A. He was unable to perform very often or he'd make failed attempts which embarrassed and frustrated him. Men cannot fake it the way women can with sex - they have to be physically able to perform. I think lack of ability effects men's self-image more than it does women. But it truly is difficult for them to cope with that problem,. My A would go to bed early so he wouldn't have to deal with me and he couldn't talk about it because he didn't know himself what was wrong or how to fix it. And it seemed like he didn't want to show too much other types of affection because he was afraid it would lead to more. He never wanted to face the problem. It wasn't like that all the time but often enough. Then along comes Viagara. Well, unfortunately, in our case it not only became his new found personal toy (which did not include me and which he doled out to some of his close buddies) but it did not change libido. I think alcohol killed almost all of that. And men cannot perform without it, male enhancement pills or not. But over time, it gets better as long as he can maintain sobriety ( after one of his binges? FORGET ABOUT IT!).....And my Mom is quite like yours. She is forever pointing out things about me critically and sometimes it really hurts. I have found myself either ignoring her comments completely or completely changing the subject as soon as she something about me. She usually gets the message. At least for the moment and at least I don't live with her. So maybe knowing that you won't be visiting her for very long will help get you through....jaja
Lots of us have been there with the intimacy issues. It hurts like a . But pretty lady is has NOTHING to do with you. It's his disease. It's his sickness.
Now as for you being dumb, stupid, fat, etc. You are none of that. Go back and read your old posts and replies to other people who were hurting, including myself. Someone who is good, loving, kind and beautiful in spirit is NOT DUMB, UGLY or anything else. How many times have you helped me and countless others? Nope, I just refuse to believe that you are anything but loving, kind and beautiful.
As for your Mom, she's old and sick as well. Take your toolbox with you as David suggested and put it to good use with her. Take the time away from the A and look inside of yourself and see what you really want. You deserve a life rich in happiness and love and laughter, like we all do. "Push away the shadows, the sun will come out." You have to seek that life, it will not come to you. This is your time to dig down deep inside of you, and reach for the hidden Becky. I know she's in there. You have great strength. You have great courage. You just have to tap into it. I believe you can do it. I've seen you do it. You have lots to live strong for. You know that.
Safe travels. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I last visited my mum about 7 years ago. Like your mother she was incredibly critical and mean. I had no idea really that was going to be my last visit. I did what I could then to make her life better. I set a lot of limits for me. One was to eventually go stay in a hotel. I am not sure of the logistics for you but I hope you can set limits for yourself. You don't have to be there with her 24/7. I know for me at times I can not set limits and other times I have to for me. I grieved for years that my family were so unsupportive now I can deal with it. I have very very very limited contact with my family now. I know it would be constant criticism if I did. When my mother died I could say to myself i did the best I could and know it. I did. I had limits. I did care for her but I cared for me too.
My A boyfriend has gone through some very hard times with his family recently. That has shifted a lot of stuff for us. He was merged with them before and that was very difficult for me. His mother demanded that everything be her way all the time and I couldn't go with that.
I can understand this is a very difficult time for you. Please go to a internet cafe or Kinkos or something regularly and check in with us. Feeling heard helps.
I'm sure if I had already started this program I would already know the answer - but I'm just going to ask here. I too have struggled with these intimacy issues with my A BF. In fact, last year I went a whole year without even having sex with him - because he didn't want to - for the first 8 months of that he would rarely even sleep in the same bed. I know that it is not me! However, it still hurts. And we are still missing out on one of the most enjoyable parts of life. So, why do so many of us continue to stay. When I list reasons I may leave this is one I always list but then when I hear of others going through the same stuff and being willing to live with it I start thinking maybe I am just selfish - that I shoud be more understanding. Afterall, like it has been said, it is the disease & wouldn't leave him if some other disease prevented intimacy. So, why do we recognize it as just the disease and with that accept less intimacy in our lives?
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.But WHY, should WE want to do the stupid thing.........We are worthy of more than this.
. But pretty lady is has NOTHING to do with you. It's his disease. It's his sickness. 
