The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The other day while cutting the grass, I looked at my house and thought, God please let us stay here a while longer and if that's not be be then please give me the strength to accept it. It's just a feeling that I keep having. When we built this house it was all for the A....I ended up hating this house, where it was (right next door to his uncle), how it was set on the property...everything. This was a house built to make him Happy...and we all know that there is no making them happy, they are sick. So it's strange that once he left, I have actually made it a home, and have come to love it here.
Things are changing for him, and especially w/ his job. I'll save you all the details but they are moving him to a different facility, different dept and a totally different shift (and he's not a shift worker) I know I'm probably just projecting, but I think they are getting ready to get rid of him. This makes me sick, but ya know what -- it might get him sober. I'll hate to have to lose/sell this house. But I'll live.
So anyhow, last night was the Girl Scout volunteer dinner which is alway a load of fun and at a nice restuarant. My kids spent the night with their cousins so I got to stay out a little later As I was getting ready to go out I saw my daughter's nail polish, now this is going to sound really stupid, but I painted my toe nails....I haven't done that in a few years because of my A, long story I won't bore you. So I did this for me, I fixed my hair, I wore a perfume that my A happens to like, only I wore it for me. I have avoided doing several of the things I did because they were at one time related to the A, either for him or because he like it. But last night I did what I wanted. It was all about me and I felt fantasitc.
When I got home there was a call on my voice mail. A man I couldn't place, but he called me "Ms. L" which is what a lot of people close to me call me. It was almost 10 so I couldn't call him back, but I did today This was someone one who saw me a church, who was visiting with their parents who are members at my church. It was the most amazing and strange conversation I have had in a long time. He called to ask me to dinner and movie. I had to tell him that I'm technically still married though the A moved out almost 3 yrs ago. (time flies) I don't know this person at all, but I love his folks. He said I could ask his Dad anything but not to ask his mom lol. yeah right. We talked kids, power tools, parents and many other things. Eventually he said if I get divorced he'd run off and elope with me. We laughed.
I have done everything within my power to avoid getting close to anyone for many reason -- most of them healthy ones. I wanted to be whole, satisified with who I am and my life before I let anyone one else in. And I am, I was just telling someone two days ago how I thought I'd like to meet someone. So anyhow, he asked if I liked bowling (I do), said if I ever went with the kids to call him and he'd come out....a date but not a date ??
So this brings me to a weird place. I'm about to piss my A off. Can ya believe it? He has this grand illusion of control over my life, I'll give him credit, he did have it for a while there but he doesn't anymore. Only why the heck am I worried about what he's going to do? (I could answer that but I don't want to) So I guess the question is how in the world to you explain to a healthy person all the yuck that hangs around from Aism? Geeze I could project here too but I'm not going to.
Thanks for letting me share. Life is a really interesting journey
The way the "new" guy asked for a date was a bit odd. Does he not want to pay for you and the kids? I've never heard of a man putting it quite like that. ???? Men....sheesh. I most definitly would NOT talk about Aism or even about the A until probably six months into the relationship and on a "need to know" basis. I'm going through a divorce and was told to be careful and not to be seen with men, just an FYI .... even if they are friends. Good luck chickie.
I guess that's how that reads, lol, but what I meant was after he realized I am not divorced yet he changed it from dinner and a movie to "bumping" into eachother at the bowling ally. Actually I was suprised he still wanted to get to know me. I mean what a hassle-- I've been dragging my feet with some faint hope that my A would wake up and care.
Oh I can relate very much. I think its pretty hard to keep up that boundary when the A is still affecting your life so.
I also think I have been waiting for the A to care for such a long time. I think he always has cared but the alcoholism got in the way. I think I've also cared but my virulent codepdendency got in the way too.
I can relate to the dressing up. I tend to let my appearance go completely when I am in cavewoman mode. I would like to make an effort more.
I think you are a very interesting person why wouldn't someone want to get to know you? You have a great deal to offer the world.
As I was getting ready to go out I saw my daughter's nail polish, now this is going to sound really stupid, but I painted my toe nails....I haven't done that in a few years because of my A, long story I won't bore you. So I did this for me, I fixed my hair, I wore a perfume that my A happens to like, only I wore it for me. I have avoided doing several of the things I did because they were at one time related to the A, either for him or because he like it. But last night I did what I wanted. It was all about me and I felt fantasitc. 