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It was always easier to know what the right thing to do is, when it's not your own kid. My 19 year old dropped out of college, and got fired from her job for always being late, taking too long of breaks and what ever else she's not telling me. She had moved out but now has no money so I let her come home. i said I would pay one month of her car insurance and after that it's all hers. I have found drugs and booze in her room and think she has a problem, she doesn't think so. Anyhow she is not looking for a job and will not be able to pay her next bill. so if she drives without insurance do I report her, or let her get caught if she gets caught? She probably shouldn't drive at times to begin with. And if she lives here am I responsible for what may occur like a car crash and her getting sued for not having insurance? I need to let go but am torn, I hate this.
Breathe....ok, now what can you do. You have a program and you are not alone. What is the next right thing? I know that 19 is a tough age as far as who is responsible for what. You should be able to get some of those questions answered. As far as the car insurance, is the car in your name or hers? I am not sure what responsibility a parent has if the child is over the age of 18 and still lives in the home. Also, since she was a student and is no longer, does that change anything? I think if you go online to the state website you may find some answers as to legal responsibility in your state. Also a call to an attorney or your local police department may give you some answers. Another great resource would be you f2f meetings. I am sure that there are parents there that have gone through what you are going through. Even a change in a meeting may be helpful. I know in my area there is one meeting that has an incredible amount of esh from parents of alcoholics. Now, I am not saying that your daughter is an alcoholic, just that their esh may apply more to your present situation. Seek out the people that have been where you are.
thanks for your reply. The car is in her name, given to her by my mother in law for graduating from high school. She totaled one of ours and so I decided to put it in her name. Thanks for the tips. She has lots of signs of addicton, and that makes the whole car thing even more complicated.
My daughter had a very difficult adolescence chock full of drug and alcohol use, not coming home, and endless fights with me. It got to the point that she became a menace to ME, and I told her to fly right or get out. She was 17.
Prior to that, I had her hospitalized for 72 hours for threatening to harm herself if I didn't give in to some demand she had. She forgot her mom was a psych nurse and could pull a string or two. She got out from there and though there was still chaos, I believe that's when things began turning around.
She needed to experience the consequences of her actions. She refused to accept normal limits on her behavior so I turned her loose. I don't think she had a very good time. She's apologized for what a brat she was since (she's almost 24 now), and of course I'd already forgiven her. She doesn't ask me for money, she doesn't call me to rescue her from her "situations", and so far as I know, conducts herself appropriately, works and has grown up a bit.
It's the same with adult A's, they are a lot like children expecting SOMEONE to get them out of the situations they get themselves into. Just because we CAN help them by paying car insurance or providing 3 hots and a cot, is that really helping them grow up or is it just postponing the inevitable? In my experience, my daughter didn't get a grip until I got out of the picture altogether. Why make changes to yourself if no matter what you do, someone will come and get you out of it?
Just my experience with an angry, immature adolescent daughter. It was against my mothering grain to let her go. But I believe I got her back, and she grew up some, because of it. Best of luck, I know how hard this is.
I see some signs of negative consequences for drugs and alcohol abuse and or mis-use and maybe addiction.
One suggestion is having her take an assessment at the nearest substance abuse clinic.
The best knowledge is self knowledge and I suggest that you get one at a face to face Al-Anon meeting. We have tons of pamphlets with very enlightening information that will be helpful.
If you have a problem with her drug and alcohol use that alone is your qualification for the rooms of the Al-Anon family groups. The literature and the sharing of more knowledgable group members will help you immensly.
You've been directed here for a reason. So you must be in the right place.
On our detachment pamphlet it says to not try to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events . However if the vehicle is in your name . Make the call. JMO Louise
I also have an out-of-control 19 year old. Dropped out of school, got evicted from the apartment I rented for him away at school, ended up in jail. He called me to bail him out and I stepped away.
Unfortunately, he found family members to bail him out and has been couch hoping since January of this year. He is wanted by the law, for not showing up in court for underage drinking charges, driving without a license, and god knows what else.
I know the pain you feel and I wish they were born with an instruction book! But they weren't. So I think we must learn to trust HP, follow the steps, and make a change in ourselves to hopefully effect a change in them.
