The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had heard the phrase, " Expectations are premeditated resentments" here once before and heard it again this week in a F/F meeting. I hadn't really a clue about what it meant until this past week. I knew Wednesday I had to get to a meeting. I had three days of turmoil in the home. AH was in a bad place and I was in a bad place too. After listening and sharing myself I have a much better understanding of this phrase and also got a huge dose of reality on the expectations I have had.
I realized how high my expectations have been of my AH. My family of origin was not impacted by A'ism it had other issues. I guess I expected that my family that I created would just be like my family of origin. How wrong I have been. My family has been affected by this disease. My AH does not push himself the way I have my whole life. It's a reality for him to have a job one week and maybe not a job the next. He doesn't have parents or siblings he can pick up the phone and actually "talk" to and "share" time with in the way that I do. We see his family but there is little to no talking about life and feelings. This week I was apparently feeling the lose of my expectations failing. My AH is not going to miraculously "get better" and be this night and shining armor of a man. I don't have a night and shining armour or even a Richard Gere man!! LOL.
My kids are not going to behave and listen 24/7. Oh how I wish that could be the case, but it isn't and its unrealistic expectations for me to push that. My kids have been affected too. They're 4, trying to find their independence, talents, were they belong in life. They deal with a Dad who doesn't always have time for them and he's grumpy alot. They deal with a mom who puts these expectations on them and demands on them. My failed expectations has lead to my anger and resentments alot of the time.
I see now that I can hope for good expectations and hope that something comes out good but I can have a plan B and C if it doesn't. Expectations are everywhere, even my parents still have expectations of me that I will handle something in the way they desire. I don't have to make things all better in one day, sometimes a quarrel may have to be resolved in a day or two when we've calmed down. I have always expected that we deal with the issue immediately, smooth it over, and make peace before going to bed at night.(that's how it was in my house growing up) I don't have that in my house, we never have because usually AH's anger and resentment or my anger and resentment hung on much longer than a night.
Any one else have good E,S, and H on expectations and how to deal with expectations that pop up. I have a million of them at any given time or situation. Thanks for listening.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Thanks for the post twinmom. I just realized while reading your post that while I may work hard to NOT have expectations of my AH any more.....I do still have expectations of my kids.
I expect my son to act responsible and mature all of the time, forgetting that he is only 13 (14 in Aug). I expect him to do what I say, when I say it. I expect him to NEVER have a bad day and take it out on anyone else. How unfair is that? VERY.
I expect my 4 yo daughter (5 in Aug) to behave ALL of the time. No jumping on the furniture, no terrorizing the dog, no whining or back talking....just sit and be quiet and polite all of the time. Unrealistic expectations. Really I know that she is going to cut up and carry on b/c she is just a little girl. And she is struggling to get attention from everyone when most of the attention is devoted to other things.
So thank you for helping me see that. I need to work hard on not allowing myself to set too high of expectations on my kids and remember that they too are living with and trying to deal with the A in our lives....their dad.
This is a really good topic, and I've enjoyed reading through the responses.
I think some expectations are good and important. Perhaps I should rephrase 'expectations' as guidelines/rules/boundaries.
We as responsible parents DO set boundaries and guidelines for our children as they grow up. We want to teach them right from wrong, what is appropriate vs. inappropriate. Our children learn that there ARE consequences to everything. For positive things, there are positive consequences (ie, clean your room, you get tv time). For negative things, there are negative consequences (ie, come home late, you are grounded for a week).
When I decided to let my alcoholic daughter live with me again after 9 months in jail, I set boundaries/guidelines. No drugs/alcohol in the house. You will actively seek employment. You will pitch in with the chores. You will attend AA meetings with me and work on your recovery.
She blew every one of those and was promptly shown the door after a month.
I have every right in the world to have certain expectations/boundaries/rules in my home in order to have an emotionally healthy and safe environment, not only for myself, but for my younger daughter as well.
I will say that the effects of my oldest daughter living with alcoholism/addiction in her own home were profound. Even though I sobered up when she was 8 years old and divorced my husband (also an active alcoholic/addict), she still bears the scars to this day.
However, she has been exposed to recovery for 20+ years now, knows there is a better way to live, yet chooses to remain in denial.
For my own sanity, for my own recovery, I had to cut her loose emotionally and physically.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
when I met the A he seemed like an answer to my prayers. I certainly looked at him with rose colored glasses then. These days I try to look at him in balance. Yes he has really messed up. On the other hand he is trying.
I can't expect all his excesses to be remedied in a day.
I also try to be kind to myself. My expectations are the most for myself
Aloha TM!! Great subject and one I struggled with thru many many meetings and open hearing. I was taught here to keep it simple because my inquiring mind could beat any subject to death and still I'd never get it. So I keep what a sponsor gave me 20+ years ago.
"Kill your expectations of your alcoholic (or others too) because if she does something you don't expect or agree with you won't be hurt by it and if she does something great that you didn't expect you will be surprised and delighted."
Simple and still practice it.
On the other hand I also work at not setting myself with assumptions of others especially when I have time to investigate and done or I willingly accept empty promises (some what of the same thing).
