The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
4 years ago, 4 weeks after I had baby #3, I found emails from the woman my husband was having an affair with. I was beyond devestated. I moved out, with my 3 kids. He and I went to counsling, he relapsed into his crack addiction, he didn't end things with her right away, although he was telling me the entire time that he loved me, wanted our family, etc. Many of you know the drill. But what I wanted to share was about me. 4 years ago I did some really insane things in my pain. I had just come running back to this program. Infact, my intuition went up before I found out and when my baby was 2 weeks I started comming back. Thank God for this program. Even with the love and understanding from the people in this program I really thought I HAD to do certain things. I really believed it was up to me to punish them both and I did things to that end. I got so good at spotting his car that at night I would be able to tell by the size and color of the headlights if it was his car (behind me or in front of me)That's talent, eh? Or just pure obsession. I could go on for pages about the crazy things I did in my anger and grief. I had the other woman's licence plate memorized and I felt like I HAD to tailgate every single car that was her make and model and check the licence plate number. After a time in the program it did occur to me that behavior was only hurting me. It took me a very long time to let that go. I still remember the first 3 letters of her plate.....But I no longer do those things. With this latest fiasco it has crossed my mind on many occasions that I HAVE to handle this. I HAVE to go to her house, I HAVE to get the answers, I HAVE to make them pay for what they have done to me and the kids. But I haven't done anything. I have taken the necessary action thru the authorities and I am letting the rest go. He is so protective of this latest Nutjob that he has choosen to hook up with. IT is not my job to tell her anything. From what I hear she is a very mentally ill woman herself ( duh) so, I do not want the drama anymore. That is what it's all about for them. The drama. I am done with the drama. It is so very difficult for me to let it go and trust that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. If they wind up living here and ignoring the kids and stealing to live that is their problem, I have my own life and they are not going to be a part of it. I refuse to let them and their insanity to invade and ruin my life. I am not going to fight to have a part of his insanity and think that it is love. It isn't. I don't want what he has to offer and "she " will get hers when she is supposed to without any help from me. I believe this is progress and the beginning of faith. I feel faith returing for me. I am doing nothing at all that I think I SHOULD or HAVE to. I am doing it all differently. It is so incredibly hard. Changing myself. Changing my reactions, my thought process, and my actions. For MY sake. To make ME better. Not for him, to help him, to get him back, make him love me. It is so very, very hard. I am scared to death that I am going to slip. Like PMS is going to strike and I am going to lose control of myself and either hit bottom again or follow thru on the thoughts of confronting her and getting my ring back. MY engagement ring. That he stole from me and gave to her. It was MY mother's. He didn't even buy it for me. I borrowed it from MY mother. AAGGGHhh. Anyway, there is progress here and it is what I am learning and it is hard to just let go and let God. It feels wrong not to go get what is mine and punish. Really wrong. But change always feels strange to me and I don't like it right away. MAybe I will get used to this and feel comfortable with who I am becomming. And maybe he will be locked up and she will drop dead and THEN I will feel total and complete joy again. Or maybe I will get there within myself and then no one will be able to take that feeling from me.
I can only speak from what I know in my situation. My ah cheated before we got married and this woman actually had his child, talk about mad! So the only thing I can tell you is you NEVER forget they cheat and even though you say you forgive them, you never really do. It's always stuck in the back of my mind. It's not a good way to live. I thought I could move on...and we kinda have in a way, we have three children now ourselves but there is always that reminder out there somewhere. The "other" woman is also mental and she is financially trying to hurt us because that's all she has. Trust me when I say that if I did not have children with this man that I would RUN away and live the way I should have been living all along, happily. It's like leaving the garbage behind you. Don't let their mistakes ruin your life. It's hard but it can be something that you move past. You have to KNOW you are better then the both of them. Good luck and your in my prayers.
Wooohoooo can you hear me dancing from here, I'm celebrating with you and for you. You are going to get there -- you may slip and thats okay --- but today you know what you really want and it's more important to you than the old behavior. Awareness, Acceptance and then Action. You are taking the action to do what is best for you and live a healthy life.
I remember when someone told me how it would feel strange, the changes -- only they said once I was tired of doing the things that hurt me (the pain of remaining the same) then I'd be able to accept the strange feelings of doing something new (the pain of change) Eventually that new way of living isn't so strange, it's great and it's the place where you actually do have control over the right things, yourself and your action.
You are most certainly learning. So am I.Your post helps me understand myself alittle more and the seemingly crazy things I have done IN RECOVERY.It IS hard to let go and stop trying to 'force solutions'.I'm getting there too and I'm so glad you're here.
I know it's sad about the ring but remember it is a material thing and peace and serenity are most important.Don't let that eat at you,don't even entertain thoughts about it.Just give it to your HP and maybe He will restore it to you,who knows.When you really let go of it,things happen.If nothing else you will feel peace about it.
Well, we can all learn from you. I say I don't do those things but I do. I went online to our bank account to see where he had been. When he visits I go through his bag and wallet. How stupid is that? Keep working the program. The disease will get you every time.
I can understand both the immense pan and the not knowing what to do with it.
I can also understand the day you start saying I don't need to do this.
I can let it go now when people act out on me. I am lucky enough to be able to do that. Do I invite stuff anymore well I still deal with an A so to some extent I am asking for heartache.
With others I certainly set tremendous limits. I think carefully who I let in my life.
I'm also not into saving the world anymore. I'm enough to save at the moment.
I try to think attitude about everything. The A has done things that hurt me tremendously.
I have to look at my part. I'm not the only part but some of the things I did, like you, didn't help.
