Sadly I have seen thirteenth stepping in action too many times...in my direction.  It never ceases to amaze me how someone can be in Alanon due to their "sickness" and lack of ability to deal with their own lives in a healthy way on their own, and think that they can take someone else just as "sick" as they are (or in some cases sicker than they are!) and make things work.  Even more shocking is the fact that at the time I was married and in some cases...so were they!  SHUDDER!!!!!

Ok, we are dealing with "sick" people in Alanon most of the time, and lack of proper boundaries is often a symptom of the dsyfunction that surrounds life with alcholics.  So, some of this thirteenth stepping nonsense is understandable and  common...however I can't say it is to be expected...never accept dysfunction as the "norm".

However, if you are working a good program, there comes a time where you get better!  If not...how would we attract newcomers?  How could they "want what we have" if we have nothing to offer them but staying sick forever and simply wallowing together in our misery?

Over time as I worked on myself and worked a good program I truly began to feel a sense of calm and optimism.  I no longer simply reacted to drama and crisis, but learned to live life on an even keel, others who also had a certain sense of recovery, whom I had learned a lot from, began to notice and we sought out each other's company more and more.

I thought it was great having close friends in the program, we spoke the same language and understood each other and were very open with each other when we needed support with something, things went smoothly for quite a while.

Over time however, certain things began to annoy me.  Diva gave it a great name, LOL, the "Alanon syndrome" LOL.  The habit of some people in Alanon to respond to open intellectual dialogue with platitudes, slogans, and quotes.  For instance, one person who had been a very close friend suddenly began to avoid me, and I mean in an extreme way, they never answered my phone calls, and did not answer my emails.  At meetings they simply ignored me totally, without even greeting me.  At first I let them have their space, thinking maybe they were going through some personal crisis, however, in time I realized it was personal and I needed to find out if I had inadvertantly offended them somehow and not been aware of it, so I gently asked them about it.  At first they did not respond, then two days later, sent me a flaming vicious email about how I had "taken their inventory" about something and they decided it "did not fit" and decided I was not good for their recovery.  I was incredulous, our last conversation had simply been about how this person was telling ME how they sometimes avoid conversations they "can't win" and how that makes them retreat.  They told me this was not good, and I agreed.  Somehow that turned into me taking their inventory.  It became obvious that this person was still very sick in some ways.  They tell you their faults expecting you to disagree with them and convince them they are wonderful and flawless.  I am not good at mind reading...or mind games.

I was flabbergasted!  I thought I knew this person well and this person is sort of in the forefront of  Alanon on  a National level, they give presentations at retreats.  Yet, they still are looking for validation from others for their own self esteem and like a child, if they don't get it, they throw tantrums and attack...sad.

My other close relationships with Alanoners were also frought with such drama, it got old really really fast.

I began to rethink my attitude about the place of Alanon in my life.  Had it saved my life when I needed it?  YES!  Had I learned a lot of things I needed? YES!  Did I learn principles that I still live by in Alanon that have literally changed my life?  YES!!!!  Did I need to make Alanon my life though?  NO!

I have a whole life outside of Alanon in   which I don't have such interpersonal problems.  I have to watch what I say though, LOL, have to catch myself not to pop out an Alanon slogan when I think someone needs it, LOL.

I began to be more open to close freindships outside of Alanon and began to close myself off from anything but program contact with people in my F2F group...too much drama for me there...but I still need the PROGRAM.  I go to the meetings on time, participate, give my hugs, and say bye and leave...things are going very smoothly now there.

Anyway, recently I got back in touch with an old high school friend.  There was somethign about this person that was ..."different".  They seemed so stable and mature.  They spoke to me about their same job they have had for 20 years and about their family,  and children, about about their unfortunate divorce 10 years earlier due to infedility on the part of the other spouse.  They did not blame the spouse totally and admitted they had been too involved with their job and the children and without meaning to, perhaps had neglected their spouse a bit.

WOW!  That is a first!  Usually I hear divorce stories in which the person is the total victim, to hear them tell it, they are the best thing since sliced bread and the other person is a villian.  Then my friend told me they had been divorced for SEVEN YEARS and was totally single...and HAPPY.  They have a full life, they even started several local guilds in their hobbies to stay busy with positive things.  I asked my friend how they managed to live and be happy totally single and not give in to lonliness and hook up with the first person who gave them a second look, like so many divorced, bitter, unhappy lonely people do.  That seems to be the personal profile of Alanoners, and me too in the past...out of the frying pan and into the fire when it came to relatsionships!   It is just too easy to do...especially when you have that gut wrenching pain of having lived with alcoholism in your m ate.  Thank goodness Alanon helped me to stop that cycle in my own personal life long ago.

My friend told me that when they divorced they felt sad, but saw it as their opportunity to live more for them, while still being their for their children.  They needed time to reflect about their part in it so they could be ready when they met someone special IF they ever did...it was not necessary for them to be happy.  They developed their own personal interests and worked hard to develop a positive support system.  They said they feel lonely sometimes but VERY rarely, they are usually too busy with their grown up kids in college and their sports events, their job, their hobby guilds, and their own fitness and recreation.

This person has become a solid support system for me.  When we talk, my friends asks me if I exercised that day, what I ate, if I took my vitamins, LOL, while they tell me about their happy day.  They also share mistakes with me and what they learned from them.  They don't do this in a nagging way, only when they hear me sounding stressed.  They keep reminding me to take care of ME, and that I am worth it...hmmm...where have I heard that before?  LOL!

In other words...they live a very balanced healthy life...although nto perfect.  They are flourishing financially but wealth is not taht important to them.  My friend enjoys excellent health, at 50 and boundless energy due to the great care they take of themselves.  My friend is very unselfish, always concenred about me, but not to an unhealthy extent, they dont' try to rescue me or save me from problems, just remind me of my strenghts and support and love me through it.

The most important thing is that we have an open healthy and respectful dialogue.  Once, my friend made a statement about me that was incorrect and I pointed that out.  They listened, told me I was right and apologized and adjusted their viewpoint.  That is somethign I have yet to experience with an Alanon friend, LOL, they always say not to take their inventory and insist they are right.  My is it REFRESHING to talk to someone who is so healthy and with such an open mind who listens and is not so ready to "diagnose" me as sick because I disagree with them!  They don't respond to open and honest dialogue with slogans and platitudes since they can't think of an intelligent response.

I am continually blown away by how my friend "practices" Alanon principles withour ever stepping a foot in any "recovery" meeting.  Yes, I asked, LOL.

If this is what "healthy" is I sure like it a whole lot!  LOL!

And, I am on cloud nine thinking that someone so healhty and balanced sees something in me that they like enough to be such a close friend...and want to be closer.  That is another thing, they live far away and we are taking things one step at a time.  No promises to move or pressure for me to move, we just enjoy one day at a time, with no promises or conditions, that is a nice change too.  They are planning on a visit to their family who live nearby and asked if maybe I can find time to have dinner with them while they are here, if I can, LOL.  Like I said, it feels nice to have a close friend with so little pressure, they are not trying to take over my life or insert themselves into it, they have healthy boundaries and resepct mine...and no hurt feelings...WOW!

The fact that someone who is so healthy is attracted to me and me to them...makes me happy...almost like I "graduated" LOL.  After a lot of work though and yes, professional therapy too!

If this is what the goal is, if this is what healthy is...it was worth all of the hard work!

Thank you to all of you who have helped me to get here.  While I love you all and have learned from all, I have to say a special thanks to those who have really offered HOPE with their optimistic attitudes, like Diva, Rita G, Karilyn (and Pipers Kitty of course!),  David62, Megan, TLC, CJ, Drucilla, Becky, WP, lilms and many many others.

Love to you ALL!

Ala
(Alanoner)