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I don't even know where to begin. I have no idea if I am being lied to or if he's telling the truth about being sober. But he's done some very hurtful things that are small in his eyes but mean things to me. He left the bank empty and it was the twin girls sixth birthday. How could you do that to them? He called and played daddy of the year!!, as always. Loser. He's coming to see them this weekend and I feel nothing. The night I miscarried and the cruel things he said just have my stomach turned and I have zero respect for this man who "loves" me and "appreciates" me and "would not be alive" if it weren't for me, who will "fight till his last breath" to save this marriage. I don't care. He is saying everything wrong to try and keep me. In one moment by the things he said I hated him and any smidget of respect I had is gone. I could spit in his face for saying the things he said to me while I was in that ER, and eye for an eye right? I know that's vulgar (and I wouldn't do it) but my emotions are turning to pure disgust....please tell me this is the end and I'm going to get off this rollar coaster? I don't understand how he can listen to me say "I don't love you", "you make me physically sick" (he's sober even) and turn around and say "I love you and will fight to stay with you" It's like a mental mind f***. I don't want to kiss him, I don't want to touch him, I don't even want to talk to him. But get this..............he's the victim. The miscarriage was ALL about him! yup. Good going, I lost another one. Words of encouragement there. My HP is not working with me or forgot about me or something. I'm just tired and burned out and have no feelings for this person who was supposed to be my best friend but has treated me like a dog. Although he gave his dog more respect. This is why I haven't been around. I have been going round and round with my attorney and I am also having very hateful feelings towards ah. I can not stand to be disrespected by him after everything I've done. Why can't it be easier to get out? Do divorces take this long? I am sticking to my boundaries that he broke and we are done done done DOOOOONNNNNNEEEEE!
yes. they can take that long. (*still going throught it, myself*)
he can make anything be all about him. victimhood is easy to claim -- on both sides. it is never fair, just, partial, nice, etc, when we hear the "boo hoos" from our As... and it had seriously pissed me off on sooo many occasions. all that resentment... after getting to program, i still asked myself, "why do I have to change... she's the crazy drunk!!! she's the one screwing everything up and away!!!
then the answer came to me: why do i have to change? cuz i'm sick and tired of being resentful. i'm sick of being depressed. i'm sick of HAVING SOMETHING that blame needs to be attached to. i'm sick of living in lies, manipulation, and chaos.
i'm sorry you are hurting you are loved, and worthy of smiles, hugs, fun, laughter, and whatever else you decide is important
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I hear ya CJ, but having three of his children I feel like it will NEVER go away. Sometimes I feel like getting help and learning is redundant because he's always going to be there standing in the way, screwing things up. I think this is why I get so mad when I hear girl/guys staying in relationships with A's because if there were no children it would be so much easier to "get out" know what I mean? Sometimes I'd like to make him the victim and choke him! Thanks for your responses CJ.
Dear Friend, I hear what you are saying and can relate. My AH has said very hurtful mean things to me in his attempt to win back my love. He would say things like, "You will never find another man who can make you feel the way I make you feel." To that I WANT TO RESPOND - "Feel what? Feel pain and misery? I pray I don't find another man that can make me feel this terrible inside and out." But I keep my mouth shut....no more fuel to the fire. I simply say that I am not wanting out of our marriage in order to find another man...I want out to end the misery and find some peace and serenity in my life.
Divorce takes WAY TOO LONG to obtain. Where I live, we have to be separated for one year before we can be divorced. And that separation is not even recognized by the courts. You don't file anything saying you are legally separated. It is simply living apart and not having sex with each other (or anyone else for that matter) for one year. At the end of the year, you file for divorce stating you have live apart and separate for one year and have all of your issues resolved...this of course is the easiest non-contested divorce available. I started these proceedings on Jan 16, 2007. Since then my AH has moved back home (just a few months ago) and we are doing ok right now. But I have those divorce papers tucked safely away....so anytime AFTER Jan 16,2008, if I decide it is over, I will turn them in. Sex or no sex in that time frame....how will the courts know otherwise unless I or my AH tell them. I am not fool enough to believe all will be well from here on out..and am sure I will want out of the marriage sooner or later. My AH refuses to seek help in his addiction recovery..thinking he can do this all on his own. Doubtful but I am allowing him the time to work on it.
And yes, back 6 months ago, I too felt repulsed by the thought of my AH kissing me or touching me. I thought I could never again believe a word out of his mouth. I have worked very hard on my trust issues with him.....I will trust him to some degree but not whole heartedly. And I have worked hard to find some of that physical attraction towards him that I used to have.......I have found some of it, it just isn't as strong as it used to be....and I have to be sure to keep those disgusting thoughts about what he has done to his body with his drug and alcohol use locked deep down in the back of my mind or I feel the urge to gag at the thought of kissing him. It is not him that I find disgusting physically but the knowledge of what he does to himself when on a binge. To look at him, he is very handsome and can be oh so charming. I just know too much about him to be completely taken by that front.
It is all a work in progress. I try to take one day at a time and not put too much stock in future plans that involve my AH. I make plans to protect myself and my kids and leave a window there to fit my AH in if he is available....but if not, my plans are not ruined. A little trick that still takes some work sometimes.
I don't know if my post helps you at all.....I just wanted to share my experiences. Also, I wanted to let you know that I will keep you and your family in my prayers....hoping for your HP to help guide you on this journey you are on.
Aloha Friend. I can remember being that angry and rageful. I can remember the repulsion and resentment too. It consumed me; every part of me; mind, body, spirit and emotions. I was certifibly insane...not good for anyone and myself. Man I am grateful for finding the rooms of Al-Anon a second time.
I needed soooo much cause I had nothing left. My beliefs were shattered as were my value systems. I didn't know what to do or how to act and the only suggestions I could remember and act on was keep coming back, sit down, be quiet, listen, learn and practice. That's the whole extent of it.
When I got angry I use to "red out" and not remember what I did during the "red out" alot of times I could have been arrested for what I did during a "red out". What I did and said was insane. I didn't like sitting in a recovery program "for life" (my life) because I was married to the alcoholic and learning that I had to change me. Changing me didn't come as easily as blaming her. I hated the insanity most of all and stayed in program because there was nothing left inside of me but a large gaping black hole. My spirit was gone and I didn't want to die depressed and sick.
The disease owned me...every inch of me and I hated that most because I didn't know how to fight myself out of it. I learned that I didn't have to fight my way out of it. I could just stop fighting it, her and everything else in my life. But I had to learn that. I am still learning that. It is the very best lesson and these are the very best classroom and teachers on the universe.
It's okay to let go Friend...It's okay to stop fighting, trying to know, trying to understand and figureout the whens, whys, whats and wherefores. It's okay. It's okay to say "done" one time quietly and then stop what it is that you are doing that is driving yourself mad.
This disease and your AH cannot take you out without your permission and participation. The very first thing I learned to do in Al-Anon was...Stop; Don't react. My first miracle. I wish that for you. Fear and anger rips my heart out and takes my spirit into dark places I don't like to go. Today I'd rather just not...just stop...just understand that I don't haffta be crazy. I can be quiet. I can come here. I can read and take the peace of mind and serentiy that others have attained for myself.
If you have the "promises" that are talked about in the closing of our meetings, read them over again. They become miracles after we believe and practice.
In time it all passes. In time we arrive at the truth and serenity of spirit; sometimes faster, sometimes slower. It's always there if we want it.
