The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been quite a while since I posted. The summer is very hectic for me. Playing single Dad with the kiddo out of school is quite taxing, but we have great adventures together.
Luckilly, they are good about him coming to work with me, and he is old enough to entertain himself with the computers and stuff. My wife comes to the house during the day much of the time so he can play at home with his friends. It is good for them to have time together early in the day. Later in the day is a crap shoot as you can imagine, but they have fun together early.
The greatest blessing of my life (my program life for sure) seems to be the knowledge that I don't have to respond to every outburst... I heard it... but could rarely not jump in with both feet and try to "win". There is such peace in using my mind instead of my tongue to process what my wife has to say.
I don't have to dispell every rumor, and counter every misconception of my intentions. I don't have to explane the actions of others that trouble her.
Putting into words, what I mean and not saying it mean is still a little tricky. I have asked my HP to open that door in me a little wider.
The relationship between my wife and I is 100% on or off. She either loves me or hates me. We happen to be in a hate cycle right now... figures since we are to take a holiday together next week. LOL
I have truly broken through to a point that her highs and lows don't have to be mine... I know she is capable of the highest highs, and the lows... well I have seen that before too. It is hers to deal with cause there is nothing that has changed to produce either one. She spins it up and down all by her self.
That knowledge alone brings an amazing peace. Without this fellowship, I hate to thing of where I would be today... I have not been able to give back as much as I like so far this summer, but know you are my family and you are all in my thoughts and prayers.
... oh, and the lightening!
I was sitting outside in the dark admiring HP's light show in the distance and I was thanking him for bringing me to this place, and introducing me to you. The very idea that I would be marveling at the beauty of nature again... well, lets just say I had given up on that pleasure a long time ago.
When I realized the "show" was getting closer and I was sitting in an steel chair... I took it as my que to thank you for being here.
As they say... Keep coming back, it works if you work it ... and you're worth it!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I love the lightening, sounds like an old Eddie Rabbit song (country early '80s). I love the lightening too, and I loved your post rtexas, it was just what I needed to read tonight. My husband and I are on a love/hate cycle right now too and what you said about, "The relationship between my wife and I is 100% on or off. She either loves me or hates me. We happen to be in a hate cycle right now... figures since we are to take a holiday together next week."
I figure for us it's because his son is coming home today and he doesn't know waht to do with the emotions, but they are HIS emotions, not mine and I don't have to fix him today, thank my HP for that!
Love and blessings to you on your post rtexas, Java
Rtexas, I found myself hanging on to every work you wrote. I can relate on every line. I go to al anon, I've heard and read all this. I know it's baby steps, it's taken me years to get to where I am at and I know 5 months isn't going to fix me. But I so want what you have found...I see fleeting moments in me where I can feel it, but I stumble still. Your post was so inspirational to me...thanks for taking the time....
It's funny, I love the lightening shows, the marvel of it all. It's the only thing I know of that my AH is truly afraid of...Hmmm strange huh?
Ahh... your posts always make me smile. You are a great example of what working your program can do. Bravo my friend!
I'm glad you are enjoying the summer with your kiddo. It's good that he has time with Mom too. I love watching the lightening! I have to remember to come inside when it gets too close! After all these years of working outside for a living, you would think that I would have remembered that.
I remember a time when I stopped to enjoy, really, really enjoy the beauty of nature when I first came here. I had forgotten what serenity was until that moment. That's when I realized my program was working and not to give up. The moment was fleeting, but it kept me going. Enjoy your summer.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
We have spectacular lightning here during the late spring and early summer . . . not the "shows" on the horizon but the kind that cracks the sky open and rattles the windows with thunder, very exciting and scary in a cool way! Having never lived in the Midwest, I know our storms are wimpy in comparison, us west coasters prolly couldn't handle it anyway :D .
I'm glad you have the time to spend with your kid while out of school. Your description of learning how to not speak your judgement or advice really hits home . . . my A was beyond listening too, and I only felt a desperate emptiness when I tried. When I kept my lips zipped up, my energy stayed inside where I could use it.
It will continue to amaze me, the amount of pure "energy", whatever that its, that leached out of me when the A walked into the same room, it felt like a tug of war at times. The less I allowed "out" to the A, the more my A made demands for it. It was an endless grappling, like two people locked in a martial arts wrestling pose (QOD, ya know what I mean??).
It is exhausting, and I'm so glad you have space for yourself without constant demands from the disease. I know how grateful I am for this reprieve.
I always derive learning and joy from your posts. This one is no exception. Have missed seeing your posts lately, and glad you are still with us.
The lightning...I love it too. Now THERE'S a higher power!!!!!!!!!!! I love thunder and lightning storms - within reason, of course. They refresh the land and display an awsome (in the true sense of the word) power that makes me realize how insignificant humans really are in the scheme of things. And this is a fact of which we all ought to be aware.
Do take care, and as always, I wish you the best of hopes and dreams.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
In NC, we called it "heat lightning." Idk if that's the right term, though. The lightning would come, things would be nuts, and the drought would have everyone on edge. At any rate, it was a pain because it was like murphys law: the lightning would always start when we were swimming. So, out of the pool! All y'all!
So glad to hear from you and so happy that your summer is going well despite the ups and downs with your wife. It is still really tricky for me as well to say what I mean without saying it mean. I have come to believe that it is a mastery that takes lots and lots of practice. Some days I feel really good at it and other days it just doesn't matter how I try and express myself, my AH gets defensive and begins to battle with me. The important thing I've learned is that when he begins the battle I have the control within myself to engage or not engage. I'd like to say that I have that one down cold too, but it is a day to day struggle.
Thank you for sharing that peace that you have right now, that peace is so precious and for those of us who don't know that peace or need to get some of that peace in our lives its such a testimony that its there. You've inspired me to remember that all I have to do is look up in the sky to see what HP has placed there. I hope you have a wonderful vacation. Take care.
Peace and Hugs, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
So good to hear from you and to hear that you've found a measure of peace in all of this. Life is interesting isn't it? We just keep chugging a long and are blessed to be aware of some of HP's grand beauty during the journey.
Speaking of awarnesses....I'm glad HP gave you that awareness to get your butt out of that steel chair, we sure would be missing you around here
I'm like Tiger, here in SC we have awesome heat storms. Spectaculiar to watch and not a drop of rain.
I love thie lightning too. My favorite thing is to get in the car, drive through the storm and sit and watch the lightning over the lake. Mother Nature at her finest.
Am happy to hear you are enjoying your summer.
Miss seeing you and learning from you on the board.
lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Hi Rtexas and friends, I loved your post... related alot and gained so much... wisdom shared and tucked in my brain.. thank you!!
Can't say I love the storms or the lightening... they scare me actually... but I can say of storms and of all nature... it is a remarkable reflection of the power of my HP. Not only the power, but the brilliance and creativity to make it happen. I respect the storms as I respect the ocean and the wind... there is tremendous complexity and strength. I also look at them with awe -- miracles!! right in front of me... I feel this when I look at a newborn baby... this came from two cells?!!! What gave this baby its life, its spirit, its creativity, its everything??? Surely whatever Power that brought about and created these miracles can surely work miracles in my life!!! It gives me great hope.
Thanks for sharing that beautiful story -- so glad you hopped outta that steel chair though!!! :) Lee Ann
You are a great example of what working your program can do. Bravo my friend! 
