The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I know at times I used to feel superior to the A. I used to feel I knew exactly what he needed to do in order to move to another place.
I know this week I went on overwhelm for a while. I had an asthma attack and I go into real fear over my health. A friend who was well meaning started telling what I needed to do. Her ideas about jobs is so far from reality it is almost laughable. But I really can't say much because she does have good intentions. She just has no idea what it is to get a job.
I'm in no place at the moment to even think about getting another job. I may be able to think about getting a second job that would be about it for a while at least.
The A is worn out. He is totally fried on many levels. Rather than jumping in, fixing him, I am letting him be. He can be fried, he can be tired and exhausted and alone. I've been there.
I'm super aware that I have very very limited resources right now. I'm also aware that when I get to certain places feeling ill, feeling overwhelmed my ability to deal with others goes down. So I have to set distance and boundaries because I'm in no shape to negotiate a lot at the moment.
Chaos is all too familiar to me after living with an A for 7 years. I am now 2 months out from living with my dogs and I know they were a huge stress relievor. I am glad they are safe and sound but I miss them daily. I miss their unconditional love, their excitement and their connection. My cats fill some of that need but not in the boundless way the dogs do.
So much for my days of running around fixing everyone. When I go home at night the room mate who is codependent is fixxing another huge gourmet feast for the woman she is taking care of. I say nothing. I stay out of it. She can deal with the resentment that is coming on her own. I also stay way way way out of her way because I know how she can direct it towards me at a moments notice. She's pushed my boundaries lots of times. I'm sure that is how people viewed my grand gestures in the past. If they were sane they saw what I was doing and set a huge distance.
I had no idea how controlling and manipulative my people pleasing was. I just felt totally out of control in it and absolutely compulsive. I also had no idea that at the end of a people pleasing binge I would feel remorese, resentment and regret.
The A has his issues with people pleasing much as I do. They are very similar. I know I have felt absolutely lost in the after effects of them as much as I have in my own people pleasing.
"I had no idea how controlling and manipulative my people pleasing was ... "
Wow, what a statement! The more I take myself out of the cycle and "think" before I blurt out things... the better I can see what harm I have caused. Reguardless of my intentions. Just like your friend... I never ment any harm, but wow can I go over the top being other peoples HP.
I struggled with the guilt of that for a while and the phrase " ... I did the best I could with what I knew at the time" is the only thing that helped me get past it.
I felt it was good growth for me to see the error in my ways, and I try daily to avoid "preaching" to people and allow them the respect to make thier own decissions... but it's an old habbit and it is hard to break.
Good to hear from you!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I run on other family members awareness and honesty. That is what has kept me sane and serene and able to change the things I can over this journey in recovery. I am fully aware that post like yours are directed by my HP. Today "I get it" and am grateful.
Hmmm is "People Pleaser" the same as "Peace Keeper?" That is the role I usually take. Trying to keep the peace...in my house w/my AH and my kids. With my siblings and parents. With my in-laws. Keep the peace.....no matter what....make everyone feel good and happy. Am I a "People Pleaser"? Sincerely, QOD
I know I read a book (non conference apporoved) years ago called People Pleasing by Harriet Braiker. I found that illuminating. I think though what I have found most illuminating is being prepared to sit and do nothing most of the time when I'm confronted with the a's stuff. That didn't mean I did nothing when he called me and said he was stranded with no money, I did. But in the past I overdid it. Now I underdo it. I also am willing to watch and see what others mirror in me. My roomate/housemate much as i find her objectionable is a mirror for me of what I did to others. I over did it. My Thanksgiving had to be great it couldnt' just be ok. Then I'd resent others that they didn't see my incredible effort. Now I watch those resentments carefully as a sign of a boundary I need to put in.
The A has broken all ties with his family except one Uncle. I would have to say for me that is a huge relief. His mother was a piece of cake. I am sure they will resume ties in time but I have nothing much to say to her. I keep the Unlce informed but it isn't sugar coated. That is also a relief. I'd have to say I found the A's family and my own family a overwhelming issue. I envy those who have supportive families. His isn't and mine isn't. So dealing with them is incredibly difficult. His Unlce is supportive but he has his own issues and I am well aware of them.
I don't know what's more difficult to deal with isolation or dysfunction.
I know I tend to isolate as a way to cope. I also reach out here a lot. I try to be very selective.
Right now I have no therapist as the one I had I could only see during the day. I'm working during the day now so that is "out".
In time I hope to build a support nucleus for right now it begins and ends here. Maresie.
I also have a hard time reaching out and it is a constant effort not to isolate myself and my family. I have had difficulty asking for help and always feel guilty when I have to like I owe way more than I have received. I push myself to extremes as far as goals and beat myself up when I don't meet them or am weak (smoking, eating sugar, etc.). I think the isolating is a result of living in the chaos that we live in, people tend to avoid us and then it just becomes a way of life. I have to remind myself to call people, to get out even if alone otherwise I will spend all my time with the kids and that's it.
