The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just downloaded all the bank statements from the last two years for my lawyer.
I've received feedback out my ears that I am a strong woman, tough, brave, etc. I appreciate that, and in many ways, I am strong tough and brave.
But not when it comes to money. The concrete reality of what my A has spent on drugs, friends and toys for himself is my task for today. I sincerely want to throw up. I'd RATHER throw up than do this, at least as a first reaction.
Working the Alanon program demands I be rigorously honest with myself and then others. I say easily to others in the program "the truth will set you free".
But it might hurt like hell for a little while.
I am trying hard to lighten up here, not get overwhelmed by my lack of self care over the last two years, not beat myself for not stopping my A from running us into the ground financially with his spending.
So if you hear faint howls and profanities, it's just me going through the bank records.
I'm going to set myself free, at least in this regard, today.
My lawyer believes because the money we moved to Idaho with came from my house in California (AH not on the title), I may be able to 'recoup' the losses against the A's equity in this property, so when I buy him out, the amount will be much less.
I really want my mommy. Since she herself is a black belt Alanon, I suppose she'd just hold my nose to the grindstone right along with good ole HP :D .
Oh, and Doofus called me from jail yesterday. No no no! It was a collect call, which of course I did not pick up. I called the sheriff and reported it. Not only is it my obligation to do so per the restraining order, I have never been more clear in my life that taking care of me and my personal safety/wellbeing is top priority.
Kim, Going through those records will really suck. BUT...... Look at the bright side, as your attorney said you can hopefully recoup that money and you will be learning a valuable skill of taking charge of your financial well being which you will not likely ever loss control of again.
Let the profanity roll, sometimes it feels good to get it out! As long as nobody is around to hear it, and goats don't count.
Got you in my prayers You are doing the one thing that I hate most, looking at what I'd rather not have to deal with. Isn't it so much easier to say, I'm not going to look at this or face this right now. Only eventually we have to, whatever that thing is, it has to be reconginzed and accepted -- however painful.
I've played the ostrich on many occasion -- it was a defensive mechanism -- when it was just too much to deal with at the moment-- I'd stick my head in the ground and poof the problem went a way for a bit. We all do the best we can at any moment in time. Don't be to hard on yourself.
However painful, you seem to know the time is right to tackle this...I know that HP is going to give you the strength to get thru it. Just wait and see, you think you are strong now, you'll be amazed once you've got this behind you.
1st of all - Congrats on standing your ground and not answering that collect call. Snaps for you. I avoid that situation all together by not setting up the collect call account through my phone company...that way NO ONE can call me collect and I don't ever have to make that split decision to accept or not. Congrats to your strength.
2nd of all - Take many many deep breaths when going over these bank statements. I too had to do this 18 months ago when I took over the finances after finding out my husband had a drug problem. I was blown away at what he used for his drugs. And I am sure that was not all of it. I am sure there were many many cash advances on credit cards that got consolidated into the 2nd mortgage we took out. But I have no way of really knowing how much the bottom line is that he used. All I know is the concrete evidence I do have is enough to make me crawl in a hole and stay. I had to sell my big house in the country just to pay it all off. So sad. You work so hard to build something for yourself and to see it go up in smoke hurts.
You'll eventually get over that initial shock. It will make you stronger and harder and stick to your guns even more. Do what you have to do to ensure your survival. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sincerely, QOD
Ok, but the best part was where you refered to him as doofus. I hear everyday how strong I am and I think, I'd give up a little strength to have someone to lean on. I am not being strong by choice, it's because I have to be, I have no choice. I have to say it does feel great to be financially free of him. Ofcourse, this latest credit card thing with my mom (who wants to bury her head and blame it all on me for bringing him into her life 13 years ago....not quite sure what that has to do with her leaving her house key in the same spot so he knew where it was). Oh, I am learning, I am swearing right along with you, and I am grieving the loss of what I thought was a realistic expectation. I am growing up and man, it stinks. I thought that by 34 I'd have some maturity, but I do believe that I will start referring to my ex as doofus. This is far less degrading than what I was referring to him as and shorter too. Now, for a pet name for his gf who has helped him rack up the bills on my mom's credit.......
You guys are so great, I am so glad you're there to encourage me!
I just got a call from AH's employer. They found his truck (which was missing in action after AH was taken into custody). Turns out it was involved in an accident causing injury to a pregnant woman in Washington state. Someone was in the back of the truck throwing concrete blocks out onto the highway (????why????), and this poor woman's car hit them.
AH is insured, but they could easily deny the claim as someone else was driving it when the incident occured. I mean, CRIME occurred.
The moron driving the truck lives up here in my town, and I've called the sheriff (AGAIN) to notify them of the truck story. I couldn't go get it as it is on a 'hold' by the county where the crime occurred. Apparently the truck is TRASHED, missing a door panel, good god.
QOD, I'm taking deep deeeep breaths right now, not even looking at the bank statements yet. I'm glad there is a restraining order, because the A is in grave danger from ME right now. My body is jerking with rage. My jaw feels like a crow bar. I could spit in his face. However, I also know these are the logical consequences of his recent actions, most of which were disease inspired. I could still spit in his face. I need to go dig a great big hole or chop down a bunch of trees or something.
But I'm still going to go through those statements. I'm going to take positive steps toward a positive goal in spite of having very hostile thoughts. A pregnant woman was injured. She deserves justice too. I hope she gets it, without making me homeless.
God help us all, I've sat with women (and a few men) when I worked at the rehab listening to these same kinds of stories of alcohol and drug blow out. My heart ached for them, and I thanked my lucky stars. Now my heart aches WITH them.
I keep erasing swear words. I'd better go start digging.
Dig that hole or do you have any throw rugs that need to have the living crap beaten out of them?
Do you remember throw rugs over the clothes line & beating them with the broom? Talk about stress relief. Especially if you could tape a picture of a certain person who shall remain nameless on the rug!! - lol
Hate you are going thru this tough time - vent, dig, clean, or whatever you need to do to get rid of those frustrations. And then take really good care of YOU.
((hugs))
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
From working in my fathers office, there is a person called the office manager that serves as a liason between clients and the book keeping service. Sometimes this person might be a CPA that actually keeps the books for the office. If the bills for the lawyer are sucking you out, perhaps there might be a way to contact this person? **TRUE STORY** one of my dad's patients worked out a payment plan of, I think it was like $5 every week. Office mgr said "I don't know if he even owes us $$ any more, but since his wife died I know for sure that's the highlight of his week to come in and say 'Miz Erika, I got your five dollas,' And I say 'Thank you very much Mister P,' 'cause he couldn't even pay to put his wife in the ground their medical bills are so high." Sometimes the really big law firms have multiple office mgrs, like 1 per atty (same thing in drs offices, 1 CPA per dr). So it might take some patience on the telephone (something I've had alot of practice with recently...sigh....) But seriously, if it's sucking you dry, call them. I suggest.
At least you have started taking care of you, this is obvious by the restraining order and the ability not to take calls from him. I think Tiger's advice is sound and its always worth asking, also the fact that it was originally your money is going to count for a lot,
LOL Tiger, I was thinking of that, only in terms of paying off the A to get him off the land title and out of my life. If I know the A like I think I do he'll not advocate for himself, he runs from stuff like this. Already, the lawyer said I didn't need him to be there for the TRO hearing Friday, my case was cut and dried and the A could not use a public defender for this kind of hearing, so that's saving the bucks.
I just cleaned the kitchen so hard I may have to reface the cabinets. I am calmer, a little more reflective. Glad the pregnant woman and baby weren't seriously injured. Glad he's gone. Glad I'll likely get the maximum TRO of one year (according to the lawyer). If I have to show up and renew it year after year I will. If he steps a toe within 300 yards of the property I'll call the sheriff, if he leaves a note in the mailbox, I'll call the sheriff.
I'm not too worried, now that I know he has no transportation and the tweaker/drunks he was hanging out with will likely avoid him like plague.
You are doing the one thing that I hate most, looking at what I'd rather not have to deal with. Isn't it so much easier to say, I'm not going to look at this or face this right now. Only eventually we have to, whatever that thing is, it has to be reconginzed and accepted -- however painful.
