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My sister is getting married to the father of her young son. She has not invited me to the wedding. Reason, we don't speak because I found out she had a brief affair with myA a few years ago. (My sister is a drinker too, thats how they got together I think)
Anyway, depsite being very hurt at the whole thing, I decided to turn a blind eye and keep busy. When people ask about the wedding plans I have to say I wasn't invited.
Now my mother is in a state of shock and panic. It has all come out about the affair. Prior to this she didn't know. I decided not to discuss it with my family because I didn't want to compromise them. She is still their sister /daughter of course. I kept to to myself for that reason and also because I didn't really want the fact that I had been betrayed public knowledge.
My mother can see no wrong in my sister and is in denial about this, almost as if I made it up.
Now my mother is ringing me up to get my permission for her to go to the wedding. I have explained (a few times now!) that she should do whatever she wants to do, that it will have no affect on my relationship with her. I will not put her in a position of taking sides. But still, she wants reassurance from me that I will not be upset, and that I am happy about her attending the wedding.
I am trying to remain detatched. I was not included in this family event. Of course this is upsetting. I do not feel I should have to give her my permission, one way or the other. But I cannot do what she wants me to do and tell her that I am happy about the whole thing.!!!!!!!!!It's all driving me mad!!!!!!
I have been working hard on detatching from negative situations and family and so don't want to deal with all the negativity this is causing. I feet there is a bitching battle going on behind my back........................I don't know how much I'm expected to take.
Anyway, if you've stayed with me this far, I thank you. If you have any insight, thoughts I would be grateful! AM
What a horrible situation to be in, I am so sorry you are going through this. Family troubles have to top all problems that drive you crazy, and this one is quite a doozy!! Well, remember that you have the right to do what you need to do to be healthy, and that may include not speaking to your sister. This whole thing may blow over in the future, but if you are detaching from negative situations, that is really healthy for you and only you know what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I know the feeling of everyone probably talking behind your back, but remember this was not your fault in the first place!! How did your mom find out about the affair, did your sister tell her?
Anyway, you sound good and healthy despite this turning into a big deal. Remember, what others think of you (or say behind your back) is none of your business. When we mind our own business (and actually say a prayer for others that seem to be our enemies), we feel better. Try to turn your thoughts to other things, take a small road trip or just get away for a night, or do something totally different to get your mind off of this situation.
You sound like you are doing a good job just distancing away from all the talk and chaos. You have to to stay sane! I hope you are taking good care of you, I will say a prayer for you.
To thine own self be true. Personally, I think it is sweet and couragous that you would have the restraint and PROGRAM to keep the awful affair where it rightly needed to be. It is noone else's business but yours, thus you have the right to grieve the relationships (Ah and sister) in any way you choose. I applaud you for keeping the authenticity of your feelings.
What you stated you said to your mother sounds EXACTLY like what I would say to mine. (who is highly codependent) I see the compassion and strength in your words.
As for ESH, all I can think of is to turn any of those past resentments over to Higher Power. Keeping resentments in my head makes me extremely toxic. It is after doing that when I find I can detach [with love] from my A.
brightest blessings to you much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Aloha AM...sounds like you have been in this family for a while and have learned some goooood stuff. Right on! "Bitching battle"? never have heard that phrase before but then I'm gender opposite. I will save it for some future yak.
I learned something simple in this program years ago that still works for me. "No" is a complete sentence. Two letters that I use to indicate that I am not participating. There are always opportunities that can change things and I live in the present. No when I mean No and...
Sounds like your motives are clear and that you have the opportunity to apply some power and self will. I admire family members who restrain self for the right motives. Some of what you wrote is how I think and practice so I relate.
You are okay...in fact I think better than okay. Program works if we work it. If some of this is driving you mad...make it a short trip or use a designated driver; like maybe a sponsor.
Have you ever listened to a broken record? I mean actually listened? It gets really, really annoying after awhile because it plays the same thing over and over again. But if you actually look at a broken record, actually, look, its that theres a very tiny crack, usually somewhere in the vynl (sp?). This tiny, tiny crack has created a massive headache for all those listening to this music. Now, not to say your betrayal was a tiny crack--you got your heart broken, after all. But the noise it's producing is, after all, the noise of the tiny crack. You found a way to live with the pain of the situation by detaching and giving your sister the distance to make the decisions she needs. Consequently, she's penalizing you via public humiliation. Or so she thinks. Your mother, god bless her soul, is doing what mothers often do best--mediate, fix things, try to smooth things out, and of course, panic like a howler monkey on crack cocaine. I strongly urge you, as in really really really do, to 1) keep telling your mother what you have been. I'm with Jerry, and CJ, and Heidi: Gold Stars to you Love! FANTASTIC WORK! You have kept your side of the street clean while assertively stating that, "Really mom, this isn't any of your business." When your mom insists on stirring up panic, as she is wont to do with all this, continue to say, "Mom, this isn't your business; it is between me and sis." I also (and, yes, I'm willing to be wrong on this one) would like to encourage you 2) sometime to directly iron out your feelings some time with your sister. Note I did not say now, next week, next month, next year. It is my observation that your sister is trying to humiliate or at least "show you up." But, if nothing else, maybe it would help you to say how you felt about what happened; I mean, right now you're living with the fallout. And if, in the end, that's not an option you want to persue, completely ignore I ever said it! Please! Ignore me! Please keep us updated. I hate that you're being tossed in the middle of an already tense and emotionally sensitive situation. PS--another option I have found hugely helpful are letters that are written privately to people and put in the god box. "The letters you don't send" kind of thing.
I'll get through it. I can actually see I am healthier than any of them. I feel sad for them. Anyway, thanks for your much needed support. I 'm in a hurry now so have to go, thank you so much AM
