The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been several months since my AH has been home. His last binge was back in Feb. He was gone for a month.
If you read my post from last Friday, you'll know that my AH got mad at me for being at my martial arts classes for 3 hours on Thurs night vs. sitting at home with him. One of my friends said it sounded like he was fixing to disappear and that I shouldn't be surprised if he does. Well, she was right on the money. Saturday morning he got up and went to lay carpet w/this trashy construction guy he was working for a while back. He asked me if he could have some money b/c he didn't have any. I (stupidly) assumed he needed gas and gave him $60. I told him it was for the babysitter and that I had to have it back. He said he would get paid for his work that day & bring it back to me that night. Whatever! He didn't come home that night.
He was supposed to get up Sunday morning & go to the flea market to sell some stuff we have. He was supposed to go to storage Saturday to get this stuff out of there and then meet up w/his mom and stepdad Sunday morning to load there stuff up too. They all new Saturday night that he would not be around to do this. By 8:00 Saturday night, I knew it too. Unfortunately so did my son.
So my AH finally strolled in the house Sunday morning around 11:00. He could not offer any explanation as to his where abouts other than he was stupid and immature. No apologies, no money to pay my sitter, nothing. Just a bum who fell asleep in his recliner causing me and the kids to walk on egg shells all day as to not wake him up.
This morning I hit him up for the money he owed me again. He said he only like $50 or so. I said "Well, I reckon I will go the bank & get money out b/c I was supposed to pay my sitter Friday and forgot." He left me $54 on the table. I am still short $6. I am just going to transfer his money that he deposite a week ago into the joint acct, right into my acct. It is like $110 and I feel like he owes that to me...all the food I feed him, all the gas I put in his truck, all the bullshit he gives me.
Ya know, he gave me like $60 a week ago when he got paid but ended up needing it right back. How is this fair? It just isn't. I am tired of this game. He is great for a while but then turns to crap. He never contributes financially and only puts me through hell. I am so tired.
Just wanted to give you a (((hug))) and say a prayer for you today for financial peace, joy, and serenity. It is too bad that your AH is unable to step up at this time, it is the nature of this cunning, baffling, and powerful disease. It stinks all the way around. I'll keep you in my prayer that your alternatives and options present themselves so that you can have the financial peace you want and deserve. Have a wonderful day. Be good to you.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm proud of you for going and taking care of yourself, no matter what he does. You are a strong and tough lady. Keep it up, and don't let him get to you. He's pulling your strings because he knows if he pulls hard enough, you'll snap. Or so he thinks.
Oh QOD, it sounds like you are right back in the thick of it again . . . after you gave him a chance by allowing him back home, here we go again.
What new or improved boundaries can you set that will at least prevent him from raking you over the coals financially? You are worried about $6, that tells me money is super tight and there isn't much room for play.
Toward the end my A was miffed that I proceeded with my life without him, arranged for stuff to be done without asking for his help. I just stopped asking, I let him be. And let me tell you, walking past his lazy ass on the couch while I bustled about was a test of my ability to detatch.
Now that he's gone I've never felt so relieved and happy in my life (except perhaps when my babies popped out). I don't have to walk past him and endure his demands for my attention, I don't have to constantly pick up his clothing and shoes he tossed in our tiny frontroom, or wipe jelly off the cupboards after he made a sandwich. No, I don't have him to pack heavy feed sacks, gather wood for the winter and chop it (I ended up doing the latter myself anyway), or use his muscles to build me a pen or gate. I have to figure out how to do it myself or get another to help. I'm very nervous about how I'll make it on my own, but then again, HIS contributions have been rather limited and unpredictable anyway.
I too will send up a prayer for you and your kids today, for you to have clarity especially, and then strength to carry on.
First, congratulations on your Martial Arts accomplishments (know that was from the other post, but I still wanted to mention that). Shows what great disciple and dedication you have. Be proud of yourself - that is a great accomplishment.
As the stuff with your AH, Hate so much that you are living in such an unhappy situation. Sounds like things are slipping back into that unhealthy pattern. I know how difficult it is to set boundaries with an A, especially in financial issues.
But nothing changes if nothing changes.
I know in my situation, I had to set a certain amount that my AH had to contribute to the household. Does he do this on a regular basis? Not always, but it is more often than when I just left it open for him to help out when he can. Maybe, this is an area you might have to try something different. What ya'll are doing right now doesn't seem to be working for you - It just seems to be robbing you of your serenity and leaving room for lots of resentments.
For me, that would be a signal that something may need to change. Will pray and send thoughts that your HP will guide you on what will help you in this situation.
Wishing you Serenity & Joy in All areas of your life,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You keep looking after yourself, my ex-a is still in my house infuriating me when he cooks which is every day, it is a like an atomic bomb has hit the cooker, there is so much crap there after his gourmet meal. no I am not grateful for the hours of mess, we do the walking on egg shells too and I have had to watch the greatest **** on tv that anyone has ever had, I told him one day that I'd seen a particular film so many times that I think I'm in it! I think he is brain damaged. wishing you the best and am still laughing about the jelly, I can identify,
(((QOD))) I feel like I'm going crazy over a whole day and night or few days of AH being gone, it's hard for me to not take AH's behavior personaly - and I can't imagine a whole month or more of it. Bless you, take care and do what you can to be happy and help your kiddo learn to be happy regardless of AH's Abehavior. (((hugs&luv))) ~Gurl25
Thanks for reminding me why NOT to let him move back in when he is released from jail...no place to stay or not! This is RIGHT where I would be only #1 I would NEVER give him cash and #2 his money would automatically go into MY account. I guess the point is I just can't trust him at all so why bother? Too much effort trying to control everything!
the A I was with hit some very hard times. I helped him out. This weekend I shut the purse strings. I think it is so so so hard to do that. We keep wanting to give them a chance then they dance on it.
I admire your resolve. Frustration can kill me quicker than anything.
Thanks to all of you for such great ESH and encouragement and for listening to me vent. ARRGG. I really need to work on setting up those dang boundries. He is just so charming most of the time and such a turd other times. ARRG.
