The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
About this time last year we got into some car issues that I believe the A has handled very poorly. I have backed off for the most part, but wait, I guess I didn't. I have reasoned and nudged and nagged and fought and cried. I don't have a driver's liscence, he is the only driver. Our nice, reliable car took a dump and cost extra $$$ to fix. He drove his back up jalopy untill we could get the other car fixed. But he never did thing one to get the other car fixed. The jalopy is very tempermental, not even street legal, and has serious maintenance issues, of which he never did anything about. NEGLECT!! I wish cars could sue for neglect. Anyway an aquaintance of mine let me in on a good car for a great deal, and because it still cost less than to fix the other car, I bought it and put the balance on credit. We agreed before I bought it that he would sell the hoopty and get our good car back. Yeah, right!! He hasn't done a thing. It's been about 4 months. I put an ad out and he wont budge on the ridiculous asking price. Everyday I tell him to wash the car, put a for sale sign o it and park it in the street. I know someone will buy it. Everyday he sits on the computer and downloads music and drinks 24oz bottles of beer and doesn't do squat. I have to just sell the car myself. I know that's what his lazy, barely pumping heart wants anyway. We need the money. It is costing us money not to. But wait, it's not my car!! Please I have tried every angle of reasoning with this man that lives in my house, the only reason I have not marketed the car myself is because I want to STOP CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR!!! He sucks. Strike that last remark. Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
My thought is, knowing who and what he is, and knowing that you want to stop your own pattern of behavior, what can you control in this situation?? Can you get a driver's license so that he is not the only driver in the home (it sounded like there might be some resentment there--if he continues to be the only driver, will that make it easier for you to hold on to any resentments that you might have?)? That way, you can drive the car that YOU bought and that I hope is in YOUR name.
I don't know what else in your post you really have any control over. If your name is on the car you want to sell, you can force the sale if you need to do so. If your name is not on the car, there is nothing you can do (unless you divorce and the court orders the car sold and the proceeds divided). So, I would suggest that you ask yourself what benefit it is to YOU that you essentially "nag" him everyday to do something that he clearly does not want to do? Does that bring you serenity? Does that keep the focus on you or on the A? Do you just play into his "A mind games" by playing out the same drama each day--you beg and plead and he refuses to act and he gets the emotional payoff from getting you upset about it...our As are sick little puppies aren't they??
My last thought is that trying to reason with an active A is the definition of insanity and I learned it the HARD way. Insanity has been defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. An active A cannot "reason." You and the A speak entirely different languages. Don't continue to put yourself through the drama and emotional trauma of trying to get him to agree that what you are proposing makes sense--my guess is that he will do the exact opposite of anything that you suggest as being "reasonable" and "necessary" if for no other reason than that he refuses to agree with you--the controller, the authority-figure, the "mom." That was what my now sober AH saw me as...I think that at the end of his drinking, if he had been drowning that he would have refused to grab a lifeline if I was the one that threw it out to him...actually, I guess he did exactly that everytime he refused my offers of help with his Aism.
Thank you for your post, I have gained some perspective on my situation by trying to share some ES&H with you. That is exactly why this program works the way that it does!! I hope that you have a serenity-filled Sunday and that you do something for you, you deserve it!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Just wanted to say I relate, we've got a 70' Tornio rusting away in the drive. Shame of it is that I found this car for him in excellent condition (it's a love thing lol) yet he's just letting it fall apart. He'll never sell it, but he's not able to take care of it, though he's alway "going to..." take care care of it.
I feel your resentment-- there are so many things that are a waste. What's helped me is to do what I can do and let the rest go. Just let it go. If you can't make him do (which we know we can't) then getting angry only sucks the life out of you. It's not hurting him at all.
For whatever reason you are not driving, look for ways that you can become more independent of him for your transportation. Public transportation or friends maybe. I'll tell you I was 23 when I got my license -- long story, but I had to take the test twice The main thing for me was conquering fear. My A didn't want me to have my independence, he wanted to know where I was at.
Maybe putting your energy into finding ways to become independent of him for transportation will help you let go of all the things he's not doing that he should be doing.
I was thinking to myself, you don't necessarily need a liscense to clean up and sell the car. You also don't need a liscense to update the ad or notify the insurance. Also, is there a community college or a high school auto cad shop that could benefit from the car donation? I know that's what I did with little red--when my parents couldn't agree on the fact that the sky was blue, let alone how to compromise about how to finance a car for me, or to help me finance it myself, a kid at the dealership asked if he could buy the car for its kelly blue book value, and take it home to make it his own. His hobby was/is rebuilding cars. He got the car, I got the cash. That's another thing, have you had the car professionally appraised? has it been repaired recently? as in, had a professional look over so that it looks good and runs good? the bitter reality may be that the car won't work. That's something else you can do, too.
I don't even want to drive my AHsober's car after he has had it. He either ignores it or tries to repair it himself. Yikes! Sometimes I just decide that I can't wait for him to do it and I knowingly enable, control, and become a codependent. At least the job gets done.
Oi! I can relate to your post. Someone once said that it is like talking to a box of hammers. It is so frustrating when we have no control over something that is directly affecting us. It is next to impossible to sit back and watch the person who does have control do nothing about it. Unfortunately I have suggestions, because nothing I have tried has gotten my A to take responsibility for his "stuff." Let go and let God, and the Serenity Prayer. Good luck in your locomotion!
