The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
things had been good for awhile...but this past week of dealing (or trying too) deal with his ridiculas behavior has made me say enough. I have told him that he needs to leave, if he doesn't leave I told him that I will pack his stuff and take it out of the house. If he was just drinking that would be one thing, but he has turned into a angry , mean person...I have to protect my children.
After one incident this week..it was my 20 yr old son who said, "something needs to be done!"
I have always wished/hoped/prayed that he would change...but it won't, even after I told him...he just went and drank after work....that speaks loud and clear!!
I am gald you have the stregnth to stand by your covictions. I am guilty of the "next time" syndrome- next time he tells me to shut up, next time he gets pulled over, next time he steals from my purse...I guess I am not ready yet. Your son is right- something has to be done. wishing the best for you, Jamie
__________________
I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Searching i guess u noticed that ultimatums don't work , nothing works til e he says enough ! this is a disease and is alot more powerful than u or I and Him at the moment it is running his life and there isn't a damn thing u can do about that . Unexceptale behaivor drunk or sober is still unexceptale . Get the focus back on yourself ,s tep aside so God can get at him . sometimes we just gotta get out of the our own road . Louise
now that is PROGRESS! keep those boundaries firmly planted. noone should cross your boundaries and not be held to the consequences you advertised. in my experience, it is when my Awife was made to suffer (the consequences) that ANY (even the slightest) bit of understanding occured. without the consequences, the cycle just repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats and repeats.... ha.
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
It might be worth getting like majorly specific if you want to set an ultimatum that'll work and be functional. If you want him out, do what landlords do: "You have until this date to find a new place. After this place, you will no longer be a resident here. The reasons for this notice are thus:" and BE SPECIFIC about why! Don't just say "You're a drunk" He knows that! Say "Repeatedly you have spoken about committing yourself to treatment and repeatedly you have failed to go; repeatedly you have drank up your paycheck, causing financial instability in our household, and causing financial hardship for our children; Repeatedly you have ________" And then, under THOSE, PROVIDE EXAMPLES! "On this date, you said you went to speak with a treatment center to go for a pre interview; I found out later this was not the case." "On this date, you were to get paid; I found myself later having to use our credit cards for groceries, gas, ...." Ultimatums, like abby said, don't work usually. And even when you get majorly specific, they don't often work. But if you get majorly specific, you're telling him--AND YOU!--exactly why and WHAT went down where
Hi, I'm glad you're focusing on your children and want to protect them.
One thing I had to learn from Al-Anon was to say what I mean and mean what I say.
In other words, don't threaten anything or tell him he has to leave unless you mean it.
Your 20-year-old son has a lot of wisdom.
As the Getting Them Sober Books say, it's sometimes hard to lose an A. Sometimes they just won't leave when you ask them to. You know how he is likely to react, so please consider that so you can keep yourself and your children safe.
My sons seem to see things that I don't see. I still accept unacceptable behavior. They don't. They love their dad but see that he is not the same person that raised them. He is sober but is basically missing in action.
Here is some additional suggestions that you can take or leave as the program allows. Your 20 year old son is qualified for both the Al-Anon and Aateen programs. Things can and will change for him if he has the willingness to check out those options (comes from an Al-Anon member and former Alateen sponsor).
Also if the situation has gotten to the point of "mean" and maybe abusive also you should not try imposing or forcing changes on the alcoholic without a sponsor and or outside public service help (comes from a former behavioral health counselor working in a treatment facility). The alcoholic, in the definition of alcoholism, is said to have but three choices...sobriety, insanity or death. From my experience I have seen many die from this disease who didn't touch a drop of alcohol and who were friends, family or associates of the alcoholic. It happens everyday. Read seriously many of the previous posts on this forum and do then the very very best to protect yourself.
Alcoholism is "cunning, powerful and baffling" (comes from the former spouse of and partner of several addicted women). I did some pretty heavy power and control tactics to stop my alcoholic wife from continuing her run with alcohol including all of the sick behaviors that come with it from both sides of the marriage. The result was that the disease grew and got worse and then I learned from more knowledgable recovering family members, that it was supposed to! "Step 1. Admitted I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanagable." Eleven other steps follow and when I finally got Step 1 down into my gut, I got better and she got the consequences of her compulsion and allergy to alcohol.
I never had control over the disease. Control over the disease of alcoholism/addiction is an illusion.
Good to have you here among family. Check out Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area and ask your son to come and support you for 90 days or more.
