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Hi all- I get goosebumps sometimes when I read what you all write-- it is perfectly meant for me. the whole "say what u mean, mean what u say, don't say it mean" thing is right on! here's my ESH from last night's conversation with my AH.
He has not been drinking and drugging for 8 days now. Attending AA meetings at least once per day. I think he is actually doing step 1( I FINALLY understand that it has to be on his clock--not on mine!)
anyway-- the honeymoon period of"I'm so happy I've found AA" is over. He is now feeling a bit sorry for himself and looking around and seeing the chaos he has created in his life. What he realizes is how insignificant he has made his presence in the home-- and he is really bummed out by it. I feel bad for him because he is seeing the world through new, clearer glasses and it ain't too pretty. I listened to a lot last night. I was calm. I spoke my truth and he even said that he knew that I wasn't saying those things to be mean. It was a revelation. I know that I cannot and will not fix this for him. It would not help. I just told him that I believe he can improve his situation if he applies the AA program wholeheartedly.
I'm planning to go to my first F2F meeting tonight (actually, I have gone before once or twice-- but not for at least a year or more)
love you all- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Can you imagine all the things the A in recovery has to face? The disease has covered so many things up so they never had to feel the grief, embarrassment, fear, happiness, joy, guilt etc.
So man when they start feeling all those things at once, I just cannot imagine how they could do it with out AA if they are a nice person. I wanted to tell you, in my experience, I kept saying to my A, "hey it is a disease, it is not like you chose to do this. Now you have a chance to really see things if you choose to."
I mean constantly said, "It is the disease not you." Remember just becuz we know it is a disease, they don't! It takes awhile for them to learn detachment, surrendering to hp, one foot in front of the other, etc. They begin to get tools like we do also!
How did we feel when we first came to Al Anon? Confused, guilty, angery, scared, happy to be there, wanting to learn more, back stepping, goofing, etc.
Does he have a sponsor yet? I am sure that would help him lots.
I had to make sure I stepped back, and let him find his own journey, and tell me what he wanted to. He did not like to only talk about that. Sometimes it becomes the focus, they are not their disease.
I remember mine saying how he had not gone thru anything without being high drunk or whatever. We are talking movies, camping, skiing, just everything.
It was good, so good to hear you are heading to al anon face to face!! Have you read the book, Getting Them Sober? It is so good. Well I sure learned from it, volume one. With ya both in a 12 step program it will make all the difference for you.
((((((gknee)))))) I second the suggestion of the "Getting Them Sober" books and the f2f meetings. Al-Anon's literature, ODAT, etc., is very important in your recovery program. Also, the AA Big Book helped me to better understand the alcoholic. There's also a page for wives that was very helpful to me.
Keep up the good work - you're on the right track.
I'm so proud of you for getting to a Face to Face -- without my "home family group", i would've been one sad potato. i still attend an average of 4 face to face meetings a week... not because i HAVE to, but rather, because i know i can improve my life, gain a piece of serenity, share with someone who may need to hear, etc etc. plus i get hugs at the end. i love them all very much.
keep up the awesome work!!! and keep coming back and sharing -- it works if you work it!!!!
love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
