The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So here is the situation. I am taking martial arts w/my son and daughter. My AH started taking it last fall but only made it to a handful of classes. I have asked him over and over to rejoin so that he can spend more time with us and we will bond more. He refuses. He always comes up w/an excuses. He gets mad at me and the kids when we sit around and talk about martial arts stuff. I guess b/c he feels left out. But the way I look at it, he has chosen to eliminate himself from it. We try to talk to include him int he conversations but he doesn't really want to hear about it. He will listen for a little bit but that is it.
I usually try to take class Mon, Wed & Fri. But for the last few weeks I have been going on Thurs too b/c I started helping out w/the exhibition team (kids 14 under). So yesterday my AH got home around 4:45. I had been home from work for 10 min or so and getting ready to leave for class. He was shocked when I told him he I was going. I told him that he knew I was helping on Thurs. He said that he would find something to do while I was gone and called him grandma to see what she was doing for dinner. Well, she already had plans so he couldn't go over there. I told him that I would only to the exhibition team class and come home vs. taking the regular class after that. He told me to stay and take that extra class if I wanted. I told him I would see, that I didn't know what I would feel like after the 1st class. Well, my daughter asked if we could stay for the 2nd class and she NEVER asks to take classes. Now she will ask if we can skip it but never asked to take extras. So I couldn't turn her down b/c I saw that as such a positive thing. So we took that 2nd class and tested for our 1st tip on our green belts (broke a board w/a back swing kick). I was so proud of her. THEN the Master told one of the instructors that if I was going to helping out w/the exhibition classes then I needed to stay for the Instructors Class that was next....and I just immediately got shuffled into that class w/out so much as a water break. Needless to say I had no way of letting my AH know that I was staying so late. And when I got home, he was pissed at me. I apologized for being gone a whole 3 hours and explained to him what happened. Instead of him congratulating me on being inducted into the Instructors' class, he just said "well if I knew how long you were going to be gone, I would have found something to do vs sitting around waiting for you to get home."
I couldn't believe he was beign such a sourpuss about it. It wasn't like I was out partying (like he always did). I was out doing something positive w/the kids. We were bonding and doing something GOOD for our bodies and minds. So am I seriously supposed to stay home and sit in front of the TV w/my AH just b/c that is what he is doing? Am I supposed to not do martial arts on nights that he can't find anyone in his family to hang out with him? Am I supposed to tell my Master that I cannot take the Instructors' class b/c I have to rush home so the AH doesn't get lonely, bored, depressed and think about going out & getting drunk and high? How is this fair? It is not. And it just makes me so mad that he is expecting me to do these things. He talks out of both sides of his mouth....one second he tells that I need to go do what makes me happy, makes me feel good and he is so proud of me and the kids. Then he turns around & acts like a jerk when I do these things on the nights he wants me to stay home.
I've made a committment to martial arts, to the instructors, to Master, to the kids, to MY kids, to myself and I don't fall back on my committments. I cannot believe that he is willing to ask me to sacrifice something that is so good for me and the kids just so I can sit at home w/him and make sure he doesn't get bored. I didn't sign up for that. I told myself over a year ago that I was going to start doing what it takes to take care of ME and the KIDS happiness. And I am doing that. It felt great to take those classes last night. I even grappled (wrestled) w/my 14 year old son and showed him that I may be his mom but I can still kick his butt. We laughed and played and had a great time. I refuse to allow my AH to ruin that.
Done venting. Thanks for listening. Sincerely, QOD
Of course he expects you to do what he wants, when he wants it, and to know exactly what that is without being told. That is just one of the things alcoholics do.
You know that you are not expected by a rational universe to build your life around his plans. Just because an alcoholic wants something does not mean that it is reasonable. Say something low key and civil (extra points for not saying "so come with us next time") and go on living your life the way you feel is best.
He isn't thinking like you are. He's in the "what about me?" mode. I've been there myself. The bottom line is he has choices. He didn't have to "sit and wait" on you. He chose it. I would invite him everytime. Even if it's to watch. If he chooses to stay home, well, that's his choice. Put it back where it belongs, this is his issue. Try to keep the focus on your original intention, the fun stuff :)
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I've made a committment to martial arts, to the instructors, to Master, to the kids, to MY kids, to myself and I don't fall back on my committments. While I totally support you in doing what you enjoy and living your life in a way that is not at the effect of your husband or his drinking (is he in recovery?) - I couldn't help but notice that you did not mention him in this list of people you made commitments to.
In my recovery I filled my life up with meetings and karate, which I did in the evenings and kept me out of the house and away from my wife almost every night. It was necessary early on and helped me to find some balance in my sobriety.
Eventually, though I needed to put focus on my relationship with my wife and that meant something had to give. I noticed that underneath my love for martial arts was some discontent that was the result of feeling guilty (useless emotion) for spending the money (yes, it is expensive) on doing what I loved, to the exclusion of being able to afford a different outlet for her (she is not interested in marital arts).
So after 4 years, I decided to give up my membership at the Dojo and sign up for the Y. Now she can pariticipate in exercising activities that interest her and I have found other ways to stay in shape, which include taking Yoga and Pilates classes with her. I can even take another form of marital arts at the Y!
Bottom line, is that I needed to start making my relationship at least as important as everything else I was doing because my program isn't worth anything if I don't practice it in my home.
Hi bill f - Thanks so much for your input and perspective / point of view and sharing your own experiences. Here is the thing about the Martial Arts - I signed my son up 18 months ago b/c he was getting in BIG trouble in school and at home. He was failing miserably in his classes and life was so screwed up w/my AH (crack cocaine) that he needed some sort of positive outlet in his life. I found the AWESOME martial arts place that took him in and it has changed all of our lives. They only ever charged me 1/2 the price for him to go. Now they let me and my daughter join for FREE!! and my husband could join too (and has gone for a handful of classes) for free. He enjoyed it or so it appeared. But now when I mention him going back (he was going last fall), he always says he would rather take such and such classes(some other form of martial arts) and actually went to the effort of looking up places in the phone book. NOW THAT IS SOMETHING I CANNOT AFFORD. I guarantee no other place is going to be so willing to work w/us and our issues in life as to let us all join at just 1/2 the price of a single person.
Now as far as commitments go....I didn't put him on that previous list b/c he isn't included in the list of people I made a commitment to about going to martial arts. I have made other commitments to my AH that I do not fall back on either. We've been married for 14-1/2 years and in those years, he is only just now starting to put me and the kids on the top of his list of important people (just under himself). We have always been an afterthought for. After his friends and his partying. He knew we'd always be right where he left us, waiting w/open arms and happy that he is home. He would stay gone all night, for days and his last binge was for a month. Without so much as a phone call, kiss my butt, nothing. Now all of a sudden he is deciding to stay clean (without the help of any kind of recovery program) and I am supposed to continue to make plans around his plans? I don't think so. I have done that for so long and when I finally decided to get healthy inside and out, physically and mentally, I realized that I cannot sit around and wait on him any more. If I want to do something, I need to go out and do it. I missed out on a whole lot of good times since I married him simply b/c I waited around on him to show up just to see if he wanted to do this or that w/me or if it was ok that I go do it w/out him. That part of my life is over. If he wants to part of MY life, it is time for him to step up to the plate and participate in the game. No more just showing up when it is convenient for him. And I think it pisses him off to realize that I am not sitting around waiting on him anymore. I am getting on with it, with life, with happiness for ME and for OUR KIDS.
It is important to know that I have asked him to join us at martial arts many times - never told him he could not go w/us - not once. But over the entire duration of our marriage, he HAS told me I could NOT go w/him. I could NOT go w/him to a concert or to the river or to a party or even to the gym he had joined. So here is how I see it. He has chosen to keep me out of his life for a long time....now he is choosing to not get involved w/mine and the kids life (as far as the martial arts goes) and turning it around on me like I am the bad guy. How is this? I have done nothing but support him ALWAYS in everything he has ever chosen to do (for the exception of drinking and drugs). Now he cannot give me the slightest support in this one thing that is good for me and the kids? Just b/c he is an addict? That is bunk in my book. Just b/c he doesn't want to get up off his butt and do something productive, I have to sit on my butt too and be unproductive and unhealthy? I don't think so.
Now I commend you for your own recovery and realizing that you needed to put some of your hobbies aside to work on your marriage. That is awesome and I am so glad that you and your wife are finding things to do together that you both enjoy. You are an inspiration to me and it gives me something to strive for. Thank you so very much for sharing you ESH with me.
And thank you too lin0606 and christy. Y'all are all so AWESOME. Sincerely, QOD
Sounds like you are doing what is necessary right now - taking care of you and your kids' recovery. Keep it up. Until your AAH sees the need for a spiritual program to handle the living part of his life, you can only let him know that you support him and are going to focus on getting yourself healthy.
I will pray for all of you and keep up the good work!!! Rei.
My AH used to seem to hate one of the things that brought us together - my music. When we dated, he was always trying to show me off. After we got married, he acted annoyed and left the room anytime I played piano or kb.
At first I thought it was just too loud for him (I play rather loud), but now I have reason to believe he is jealous!!
You're ah may very well be jealous of what you're doing and may try anything he can think of to try to stop you. That may be just one thing that he's going through among other emotions and fear.
Al-Anon teaches us to detach, be polite, but live your own life. It's hard not to feel sorry for someone, but that just takes away from your energy for MA which is good for you and your kids.
Keep on keeping on and live and let live. Whatever is to happen will happen and I hope it'll be good for you and your family.
My A reacts the same way to me doing anything other than work or being with him. He has no energy to do anything other than drink, recover from drinking, and go to work. Almost the only thing we do together is watch TV/movies or play cards. Fortunately, we also talk very well together, which I've learned is about 80% of it for me!
Anyway, he is very threatened by any activity away from him. He's afraid I'll meet someone, he misses my company, etc. I'm such a people pleaser (God, I hate that term!) that his displeasure is hard to deal with, even when it's unreasonable. It's sure been a growing opportunity to do things anyway!
It was good seeing this situation in black and white, and how you reacted with such strength and clarity. This is probably my most difficult area: having me be at least as important as he is. Man, I'm 46 and still here! Oh well, believe it or not, and sad to say, I've come a long way. I look at it as the silver lining in all of this -- dealing with an active A (or maybe just this type of personality) has taught me a hell of a lot about myself and provided amazing opportunities to develop a stronger sense of self. It sounds like you have that in spades already!
I am so proud of you coming and using us as sounding board any time you are frustrated. What great progess you have made with your family. Just remember he is new to recovery and he is lost. It is all about him right now and it has to be. You are not responsible for his feelings, only yours and the kids. As he gains clean time he will grow ust as you have. You did not get where you are today in the time he has sober now. You both are a work in progess.
Hugs, Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I completly understand where your coming from...for my AH, he didn't want to do anything with us that didn't allow him to drink...hang tough, he will either start coming around or he won't...his loss, take care of yourself and kids...
