The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
I know I haven't been on in a really long time...but that's what I get for having twins and 3 other children running around. Anyways I had planned to come on the other day to update on how things were going, because I was happy...for once I was happy, I have my own apartment with the kids, and things were stable. Today just screwed me up. And badly. I had been seeing a guy Steve for quite awhile now and I can honeslty say I was starting to love him. But I started to realize that he was controlling, and taking control of my entire life. I stopped talking to the few friends I had, stopped coming on here, spent my entire life either with the kids, or at his side. And he would have it no other way. So I said something to him...I went to his house, on his lunchbreak to talk to him...and just explain how I needed to take a break and figure myself out for awhile. He started yelling at me, saying that he wasn't going to wait around while I screwed around. I tried to hard to explain but he wouldn't stop yelling and screaming at me. He was so mad. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to just leave and talk to him later when he had calmed down. I grabbed my keys and went to walk downstairs. He grabbed my arm and shoved me up against the wall and was screaming at the back of my head. I was so scared. My PTSD kicked into one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. My mind went back to my father doing the same thing when I was younger, except my father would have pushed me down the stairs. My knees just completely gave way, the room started spinning, and I hit the floor. The paramedic said that I had stopped breathing, and the cop said Steve was nowhere to be found. He used my cell to call 911, gave them the address, and took off. I went to the E.R. just because they had to do CPR, and it was procedure. Then they talked to my psychologist, who told them is was a panic attack, explained my PTSD, and convinced them I needed to get my kids, go home, and just rest. She came and got me, and took me home, and is now asleep in the guest room. She helped me so much today and I really don't know what I would do without her. But it just scares me...knowing that not only am I falling for the wrong people again, but that I'm still in that mindset. The mindset that keeps me from functioning when something scares me. I hate that feeling of no control, and I hate that I keep leading myself into these situations. I realized today how much I still need to do to recover. I knew I needed work, but today proved just how much.
((Mira))) Good to hear from you ;) Please take care of you kiddo ;) Sometimes flying solo is the best way for a bit ,especially with kiddies so young. Take some time for you. You deserve the very best. Recovery for me has been alot of ups and downs,twists and turns. It can be overwhelming when taking care of kids alone too, I've been there. Completely wiped at the end of my days. Alanon meetings were sometimes my only out, and that was great for me!!! Free coffee even ;) Anyways, keep coming around,posting here too ;) It all helps. Big loves ~ Carla
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It works if you work it , so work it YOU'RE worth it <3
Maybe it would help not to say I hate that i do that. You do just do that. It is part of you. accept it, and cont. to work on you.
You have to see some one to find out what they are like you know. So you found out, went to tell him you needed space. but sadly your illness kicked in. BUT you are ok. he did call for you.
He must have been scared to death. but for petes sake to just leave you there was unforgiveable. I would not leave a cat there. geez.
I am glad you got home and your therapist is a gem.
Please do not be down on yourself. what good does that do???We only make progress when things are tough. You surely learned.
Most everyone is lost in a new friend. it is natural. however you see that you would like to not get so involved when you need to do other things too.
that is a lot of kids. Wish I was there gma. smile.
keep going lady, one day at a time. forgive yourself. He is an abuser, He sure is no gentleman. I would not trust him around my kids or me, no way.
Please keep us updated. again, do not be hard on you. love,debilyn
I STRONGLY suggest you see a heart specialist. PTSD is an emotional diagnosis. Although it feels like your heart is pounding PTSD will not make it stop beating.
I find it horribly negligent that your heart stopped, CPR was applied and they released you without a battery tests and several days of observation. That's just unheard of.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
well we all need work. I don't know that I think in terms anymore of how much. I just look at it like a process. I have pretty bad ptsd myself. I got triggered a week or so ago by some room mates'a ctions. I was off on a panic attack then too. I can get lost in the reactivity.
I am glad you are safe and sound.
Please do not beat yourself up. We all go up and down in recovery its like a circle of lots of circles and we are working stuff out.
I am glad you have been happy lately. No one knows what someone is like without investigation. Most people appear ok for quite a while, it does take a while to get to know them. You had the feelings and you checked them out that is what is so so crucial.
I was beating myself up yesterday because I went back to my old house and the landlord has totally trashed the garden. There is nothing I can do about it I have to let go. I put years of work into that yard. I can make another one.
We all fall down. We just get back up. You have this resource, get back in the saddle and keep on working its fun after a while to keep on working these tools.
Take care of yourself, and do not blame yourself for others bad behaviour, you are not responsible for this guy's behaviour, and had every right to make choices for yourself, without going through this type of trauma. I personally find that kind of behaviour as shouting and pushing unacceptable and I have put up with a lot of it, I have had two violent partners so perhaps this colours my thinking on this. I am glad that you are ok,
Miranda, Wow, How wonderful that this did happen to you. Sounds strange but you learned that he will never be there for the really tough times. And you are ok and you still have a wonderful therapist. she gets the gold star for today. I am so very happy for you that you have such wonderful support in her. I am sorry that this happened to you but your body has spoken as loud as it can and you do need time just for you to do what you want and what you like and if someone can come join in the fun than great if not than great too you have so much to be proud of yourself. You may not see it right now but you have taken a huge step and once you find you and love you for all of your talents you may just have a Mr. Right who will be there to have fun with and if not that's ok too. you have 5 beautiful kids and that alone is something to be proud of. Keep you head held high and understand you and love you for being you.
My best wishes on your journey but it is a journey of body, mind and soul to peace
Sorry to hear your pain....Glad that you listened to your instincts and state you needed some time....sorry he wasn't there for you in any way....take care of yourself, my thoughts are with you!
