The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When my ah wouldn't come to the ER when I was miscarrying and he said some nasty nasty things to me on the phone, that gave me strength to call and get the divorce papers going. How could he love me and say such horrible things to me. A few days later he tries and tugs on my heart strings saying "I wanted to be a part of it and felt left out" so I said "then why didn't you come when I needed you and take off work?" and he said "because all I know is to work, that's how I was raised and I was wrong, I should have been there with you and I am sorry" I said "the I'm sorry's don't do anything anymore, they are meaning less". Now he is playing like nothing is wrong and we are going to live like we've been and he is saying he will do everything to get us together and better himself. I want to believe him but I can't. Here's what I want to do. I want to start hoarding money because I don't believe a word out of his mouth. I've voiced my opinions why we should get the divorce and even though all my points are valid he still doesn't want it, of course. I'm all he has. I can't say for sure if he has been drinking, it would explain his words that night but he stands by his sobriety. I am slowly going to do what I need to do. Start packing up things here and there, register for homes for me and the kids, file for child support and live like he's dead again. One day he will come home and it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks when there is nothing in the home but what he had before he met me, like he requested. Game time is over. I'm only 35 and I am very pretty and I will have my white wedding one day. I am going to have a dream again, and love again. :) It can happen. Thanks for letting me voice my junk. lol mwah.
My slogan for the year is "say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean." This is a hard one for me because I have a hard time expressing my true feelings to my SAH on difficult or emotional issues. I still have to fight the desire to manipulate the situation to try to get the emotional payoff that I am looking for from my SAH instead of communicating with him directly about my needs.
I would never comment on your decision--you are the only one who can decide if you should leave or not. I hope, though, that you are doing it because you believe that it is the right decision for you and your children and not because you are hoping for his reaction to an empty house. In my experience the emotional payoff in those situations is nil and you may be forced to take an action that you are not truly ready to take.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
brightest blessings on working your "plan B" and getting to the place you actually want to be. as a fellow 30-something, i maintain faith that i can someday find a partner to share life, and in the making of some kiddies, and whatever else that i may be blessed with. i'm with you in that the "I'm sorry" and whatever else cannot work anymore. results, not excuses.
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Just my opnion, of course, but A's do not mean what they say.....not mine anyway. And I need to remember that, he says some incredible crazy things when he's drunk. All I have heard for the past 2.5 years is how he wants a divorce....well, go get one already. We don't have kids together or anything....and he has not made one move to get one. Oh, he did have a friend photocopy some "dissolution" papers and leave them on the table a couple of years ago. I threw them in the garbage where they belonged. I am sorry you are going thru this, I know it is terribly hard to love someone who at times does not return that love. That is the lot in life to those of us who choose (just for today) to stay with the A. As for leaving, when I left my ex's, I KNEW when I was ready to go, and I left, no turning back. I planned my departure down to the last nail, but I took only what was mine. When I left my daughter's dad, almost 30 years ago, all I took was her clothes, and mine...she was not even 2 yet. That is how bad I wanted away from him. And I never regretted it, and I never looked back or missed him once I left. Guess that is why I am staying this time, I haven't had enough yet. I don't know if I ever will with this one. The last husband I left, I planned my escape from the control freak, for months before I left, and he had no idea. I gradually packed up things that meant a lot to me, stored them at friend's houses. Had other stuff arranged where I could pack it in a moment's notice, which I did. I moved out all my stuff in a moving van (which I drove) and into my apartment in one day. Well, I did have movers come for the big furniture...but I did it, and he came home to an empty house. I even called the phone and electric co., cos the bills were in my name, and explained there was abuse going on, and I needed to leave, and they let me call back as soon as the house was empty, and they transferred the service to my new apartment. I left him a note to be sure to call the electric co. to have it turned on is his name at the house. And I left a NEW HOUSE, filed bankruptcy, and started over. That was 10 years ago. Now, I am with my AH that I love more than life. But that love is mostly not returned. So, my final esh, is....be sure what you want.....plan for it......be careful.....and do not jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Love in Recovery, Becky1
