The material presented
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If I didn't care about you I'd say forget it, get out, leave me, I'm DONE. But no I have offered to look up all of the meetings, to take you once a wk, to help you get better. You said you wanted to get help - SO WHY NOW ARE YOU GRIPING ABT THE THOUGHT OF GOING TO ONE MTG A WK???? You put yourself here - there are so many opportunities you've passed up for alcohol, so many things you've messed up because of alcohol, so many chances to stop this crap that you've thrown in the air. DON'T act like I am trying to control you by simply trying to TELL you about these meetings - you said you wanted help YOU SAID IT. Before now I have not wasted my time looking for meetings to get you in bc I knew you didn't want it for sure. NOW you say you want it - 1 hr once a wk what is the big freakin deal?
To explain, this morning, I was driving AH to work. We don't always get much time to talk during the wk & saturdays bc we both work full time & we've got our kiddos so u can imagine how much time gets taken up after work with taking care of the kids, cooking, eating, cleaningup....So alot of times we talk in the car. Well I've been looking up all the meetings and I told him awhile back we'd go on Sunday - he was more than ok with it at the time - was like "ok sweetie". This morning I was trying to explain to him a little bit abt how AA works, then he started yelling at me saying he wasn't going to, for example, not go to the store if he needed to on the wkend and instead go to a mtg. I've already told him it's probably only an hr or so - and anything else that might make him feel better abt. I know he's got some anxiety about it but why do men have to get so jerky when you least diserve it or need it??
OH Gurl , try talking about the nice weather instead , he dosnt want your help . You cannot save anyone from themselves . The sooner u figure that out the happier u will be . This is a disease and he is the one that has it , leave it with him , in our literature it says that we will do anything to help the A except to get off thier back . I can relate to that one . Get the focus on your own needs allow him the dignity to figure this out for himself . And remember that they will do and say anything , promise anything to get us out of thier face and off thier backs . disease talking . Louise
Yeah, how frustrating! Gurl, you are trying to talk logic to a disease. It never worked for me, and believe me, what you wrote above is absolutely true. I still get strings of thoughts like this running through me head and my A is "put away" and gone.
Non A/addicts would probably say "Ya know, you have something there, I'll think about it". Alcoholics who are using or not working some kind of recovery program are swallowed in the disease and the most patient, loving explanations you have will be batted aside, even at the expense of their own health and safety, much less yours.
My A is facing felony narcotic posession in three counties IN SPITE of all my warnings, and those of his close sober friends that he will end up in jail or dead if he didn't get help. He said "I'm too smart to go to prison".
The concept of alcoholism/addiction as a disease has helped me have a more peaceful life in many ways. Whether or not I believe it is a true disease is unimportant. It sure acts like one, and destroys like one. And it leads right into Step One, that I am powerless over alcoholism and my life is unmanageable. My life was unmanageable as long as most of my energy was consumed with getting HIM to see reality. I had no energy for the rest of my life, and in fact, I lost perspective and forgot I even HAD a life to live apart from his shenanigans.
You take care, my dear, I'm glad to see you posting and working so hard!
It is my understanding that seldom will an A listen to a spouse about recovery, getting sober or attending meetings. Most of them have to find this help thru other recoverying A's, manditory meetings, Dr's orders or some other way.
In our situation, I am too closely involved with my AH & Addict daughter to stop them from drinking or using. I tried. Many, many ways.
It was painful to realize others could do for my H & daughter what I could not. But then I realized that I can help other Moms, Dads, and spouses deal with the effects this disease has had on their lives. May not be exactly how I thought it should be - but it is what years of experience has shown works for those who are willing to work a program of recovery.
I encourage you, Gurl, to keep reaching out for help for you, taking care of you - growing, learning and giving your AH to his HP.
Just my e,s, and h, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
one thing I learned with my AH is to wait until he brings it up. If he does take the opportunuty to talk about it. If he desn't save what you had to say until then. He didn't want my help until he could completly admit to himself he had a problem. He finally realized that after living 30 days on his own in a hotel room that is not the life he wanted for himself. He saw me taking care of the kids and the house and I could do it all on my own with out him and I didn't need him. He is know 26 days sober. YAYA. Doing minimum 3 meetings a week and talking with his sponser daily. We talk about his Aism almost every day and how he is doing. We are working on rebuilding. I am learning to trust but that is hard. You cant make him get the help unti he wants it. Take care of you.
=) Thanks everyone - I needed some good advice n reassurance. I'm to do my very best not to bring it up unless we're actually in a meeting or he brings it up.
You have gotten some good E,S, and H so far. I can see how frustrating it must be for you, I had and still get so frustrated with my AH. I forget that he doesn't want my help, he really doesn't want my advice. You know what I think he wants from me? He just wants to tell me about his day, his frustrations, his thoughts and have me just listen. Some days he'll say aren't you going to say anything and I'll say I don't have anything much to say, just listening. I am learning that right now I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I don't have time to walk on eggshells anymore, this week I have obviously been hurting his feelings by not paying much attention to him or giving him personal time. My life is getting busier and ya know what I'm glad about that. I'm having fun, the kids are having fun. I heard a lady last night in my F/F meeting say that she'd been coming to the rooms of Alanon for 15 years Gurl and she has no clue if her husband is still drinking or not. She's still with him, they have date night, they talk but she is so busy that she just really has no clue if he's still using. That flabergasted me!!! She's living her life to the fullest and that's what I want.
I won't spend any more time getting his recovery and his life in order, I've become exhausted and ambivalent in my own life because what ever I had I gave to my job, my kids, and my husband, what about me!!
Yeah I agree with what the other's said, let go a bit... let him get it together for himself. He's got to want it bad enough that he'd go to a meeting with or without you. He's got to want to make room in his life to fellowship with other A's, I really do believe that without the fellowship and the meetings, they just become dry drunks. Well, that's my two cents, take what you like. Keep working it Gurl.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
My only response to your post, aside from saying I've "been there, done that, and bought the book", is as follows:
My A had been drinking for many years, and had always talked around alcoholism, getting help, etc.... For the most part, she'd sway back and forth between admitting she had a problem and claim she was going to get help, & back to "I am fine, quit bugging me". I convinced her to go to Treatment..... I did this by any and every tool I had at my disposal.... anger, silent treatment, kicking her out of the house, loving her, hating her, etc., etc.... .Finally, after about three years, she relented and "allowed me" to get her checked into Treatment. Of course I jumped at the chance, and quickly got her into a 28-day program. I was so proud of myself (and somewhat proud of her as well, lol). Boy, had I done good, and I was "fixing" this thing, that everyone told me I could not fix, and was controlling the uncontrollable. Yay Tom!
Well, a funny thing happened on the way to me being knighted as the most supportive and loving husband ever.... She got out of the Treatment Center, and rather than life becoming one big happy rose garden, she was drinking again in 11 days, and mocking me for being pathetic, etc...
The next six months were pure hell, way worse than anything up until that point in time.
Finally, after being out of the house and away from our two kids for a couple of months, she hit HER rock bottom, and checked HERSELF into Treatment. She went there for 53 days, and has not relapsed since. The difference, in my opinion, is that I got her to go to the first one... whereas SHE got her to go the second time.
As frustrating as it is.... right now in your post - I read a lot of me during that first treatment center period - in your words.... You are mad at him, because he is not choosing recovery on YOUR time schedule. You are taking him at his word, when his word has meant nothing (or damn close) the entire time of his active drinking. We are reminded to judge our A's by their ACTIONS, and not their WORDS.
I sympathize with your feelings and situation, but it really IS his recovery to own and choose. In the immortal words of my sage old sponsor:
"he will either drink (or choose recovery, or xxxxxx), or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
Take care of you Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
