The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I come from an Afamily, and believe we are all affected by that. My mother is very codependant and controlling. I am the eldest child, born to them when they were young and unmarried (I recently learned). I felt excluded a lot of ways in my childhood and now can sort of understand why. I believe both my parents felt I changed their lives and not for the better. Seems when I came along they were pressurised into marriage. Of course I know this was not my fault, but I do think I suffered because of this situation.
Anyway my father developed further into his Aism in the early years of their marriage, and my mother reacted accordingly. This is what I remember, lots of disfunction.
Anyway now, as an adult, I still expect acceptance from them, particularly my mother. But I can never achieve it. She favors my siblings even still.
When my younger sister wronged me (by having an affair with my A!), she blamed him and carried on as normal with my sister.
I just pretend that this doesn't bother me, but I know they gossip about me behind my back. There's a small minded critical atitude that I find hard to tolerate. And this hurts....
I moved away and lived a distance away for ten years. When I planned on moving back, my mother told me not to. She said it was a foolish thing to do beause I was giving up a good job. I don't believe this was the real reason. I believe she didn't want me around.
My question is....how can I stop wanting my parents acceptance? I know I can never get it. I don't want to have to detatch from my family, but I am beginning to think that this is the sensible thing to do. Now, in my recovery I can see more easily the falseness, the pretence and the disfunction in my family. I know I can work on myself, and as I do so the gap between us widens.
There is an undercurrent between myself and my mother, ever ready to errupt. Any ESH?
I have come to see mothers as one of god's frailest creatures. They are missionaries of god's highest calling: to raise children. Yet they worry they're gonna screw it up so bad that they inevitably do. They work so hard that when they reach for acknowledgement, they feel like failures for doing so (wouldn't an adequate mother not need it, knowing that she's doing fantastic anyway?). I don't know who wrote the rules on mothering; I know from my own life and reading posts on the board that, inevitably, there is wrong ways to do it and it creates such pain. I also know that those that seek acceptance from those who are not giving it ususally are finding themselves in the position of seeking substances from those who cannot give what is not theirs to give. The fact is, for me at least, is my mom demands honesty from me because she cannot demand it from herself. She demands love from me because she cannot demand it from herself. She demands acceptance from me because she cannot love herself. All of the things my mom demands from me, then openly rejects, are things she cannot give herself, never recieved from her mother or grandmother, and constantly causes friction within her own family. I have also come to see that those that cause harm are ultimately harming themselves. I have come to a point in my life where it is no longer a case of "looking for my parents to care about or for me." Rather it is a case of "My parents cannot care about or for me, simply because they cannot care for or about themselves." They do not eat, they do not sleep, they do not shower. They do not keep clean clothes, they do not go to doctors or dentists. They do not exercise, they do not listen to their doctors. They do what drug addicts or alcholics do. They sabatoge their own lives out of the reality that they do not know how to live. They do not know how to live because they are dying. They are dying on the inside and now on the outside. Case in point: Apparently a paramedic took a heartbeat reading of my father a few weeks ago. She signed and dated the reading. Now my father has been re-ordered, mandated, to check his sugar 2x daily. After each meal. To me, and probably only to me, this is a red flag: he is getting sicker, weaker, and dying. That a paramedic had to intervene and check him tells me that he is failing. That the doctors have to tell him how to take care of himself tells me he knows this, too. It tells me I am powerless.
My best friend has a dysfunctional (but not A, as far as I know) home life, and has pretty much accepted that his dad is never going to like him or what he does with his life. Whenever I feel like I'm letting my parents down or that I need to do more, he tells me that no matter what, my parents' expectations of me are going to be higher than anything I can achieve. Thus is the nature of parents (at least the ones we know). So what we need to do is reach our own expectations and create a happy life for ourselves. This probably won't reach the level our parents expect, but we'll be happy and hopefully our parents will eventually be happy for us and recognize our achievements. If they don't... screw them.
The more I read that the less helpful it seems, but it's the best I can do.
My question is....how can I stop wanting my parents acceptance? I know I can never get it.
Maybe by accepting that your parents are not capable of giving what you need. It may not lessen the pain you will feel, but it may help you move on to heal.
For me, it is like accepting that when the A's in my life are in the active part of the disease, they are unable to give me emotional support. To go to them for that, when they don't have it give only adds to my frustrations. Sometimes, people just can't be what we would like for them to be.
There are tons of things you can do to do to work these hurt feelings when you are ready, grief letters, Step work, amends to yourself, and finally letting go and finding other healthy places to get the support you need. It takes time, but it can happen.
((AnnMarie))
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree with everything that's been said above. I come from an A family too - well my dad was - he quit for a long time when I was real young - then got back into it. My parents divorced and then he basically quit keeping contact with me - but would still keep contact with my sister. I won't get into the details, but in retrospect, it seems he was "grooming" her so to speak. I am so angry at my father for the way he's done me and my sister. I feel that in order to get some sort of closure on these kinds of things - when you have harbored feelings - that the only way to start moving past it completely is to voice it to them - either by letter or phone or face to face - however you can. I so want to do this with my dad, but I havn't been able to muster up the courage. I'm afraid his reactions, denials, and excuses will enfuriate me big time. BUT I know that if I don't - then it will always bug me that I didn't. It may not be something you want to do, but at least if you do, then you know you've said how you feel about everything and it's not on your back anymore - the silence and that constant nagging feeling of being with them and talking abt everything else that doesn't matter - when all you want to do is talk abt how you really feel. Just my opinion. I hope that things get better for you. Please keep posting & keep working your steps =)
Yesterday's reading in Hope For Today really had a great suggestion for dealing with these feelings towards the parent we feel the most resentment towards. I went to an ACOA meeting last night which was kind of nice to focus on MY childhood issues in a very safe, loving enviroment. Much luck and love
I also come from an "A" family.My dad and all my siblings,3 sisters and 3 brothers.Only myself and my mom are not A's.I also have been rejected,ridiculed,laughed at,made fun of and lied about.I used to think it was because something was wrong with me.It wasn't until THIS time in Alanon when I really had to look at myself and stayed long enough to do that,and really look at alcoholism as a disease, that I have come to see what is actually going on.The only thing wrong with me is that I have been severely been affected by the disease of alcoholism in my family and my husband. I now understand why my sisters and brothers never understood me,they are in a different reality than I am.However,the most difficult thing has been accepting that I will never have my mother's acceptance.My parents divorced when I was 9.I know the fact that I had an emotionally ( and physically) unavailable father ( also an A) has affected the way I feel about men.I have tried to work on that all my adult life .But I only recently began to see the affects of the disease in my mother.She is so extremely codependent,for lack of a better term,with my sisters and brothers she just cannot see who I am.She does not understand why I can no longer be like she is with them.She always says FAMILY is all we have.Spouses may come and go,friends may,but FAMILY is all that matters.She was the only child in a large family who was adopted out because she was a sickly baby and her parents could not afford to take care of her.After her adopted mother died,her adopted father married a woman her age and they did not get along.She found some of her biological family but she wasn't able to stay with them.She married her first husband for a place to live.After the divorce from him she married my dad,an alcoholic.Her children are all she has...and they are all sick alcoholics who could not give her the love she was so desparately trying to get.Except me...I could but she could not accept it from me.Isn't that strange...the one child who could love her.But she had to have it from the ones who couldn't.That's our disease,isn't it?Trying to get the love and approval from people who are incapable of giving it.We set ourselves up for failure.We don't love ourselves enough to find people who could really love us back. Or maybe my mother and I are just too much alike.She could see herslf in me and see all the things she hated about herself. The problem now is I just can't seem to talk to her anymore without an argument.I have not been able to set boundaries and hold them with her.The only thing I can do is just avoid her. My mother is 92.She is frail.There is not a day that goes by that I don't worry about her and wonder if my sisters are taking care of her.I feel tremendous guilt, like I am abandonning her,however when I think of calling or going to see her I get this awful feeling of dread.I know it will not turn out well unless I am willing to put aside my growth (if that is even possible) and go back to the person I was six months ago.A miserable shell of a person who is available for everyone but but herslf.A woman stressed and full of anger and resentment.Time for them but no time for me.A woman on a mission to win the love and approval of my mother by showing her what a good person I am.That she can always depend on me to go through fire to take care of her every need.To show my sisters and brothers that I am worthy of acceptance and I belong in the family.A woman yelling at her 'recovering' alcoholic husband and having rages because he just can't GET IT that I HAVE TO GO DO THIS.I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF HER,IT's ALL UP TO ME.So he will just have to take care of the house and himself and be understanding when I get home and look over my bad moods and my anger that explodes at him.Why doesn't he UNDERSTAND????? Sheesh,what nutcase I was.I can't go back.I am not even sure if the worry and guilt I feel now are normal,healthy ways to feel about her.I do know that the feelings I get when I think of going back are real.And they are not good.So I am staying away.I sent her a letter trying to explain but I realize now I was just trying to justify taking care of myself.She would never understand that.It is selfish to her. So I have given her to God.I can't take care of her anymore,I just have nothing to give.I was giving with wrong motives anyway.Not out of true caring but out of obligation and trying to prove something to everyone.I need healing time.I need to accept the end of my marriage and life as I knew it.I am doing well with that.I am starting to laugh and feel really good.I find pleasure in little things.My AH and I don't fight anymore.We have good times.We will stay friends.The marriage is over but the friendship will always be there.He was my life for 37 years.He is important to me but I am detached from his stuff and working on mine. I know you don't want to separate from your family.I understand that.It is why I became the crazy person I was.I was trying so hard to fit in and have the loving accepting family I so desparately wanted.I just didn't fit in and I don't know if I ever will.I don't care anymore.My sanity and well being has become important to me.I see how I can be my own worst enemy and that I have choices not to do that.I can choose serenity and peace and love from people who really do care about me.I am worthy of that love.It is their loss that they do not have me in their lives.But they will never see that.As long as they are in their disease they will only see what I didn't do.What I am not. What I need is not a gift that they hold in their hands that I have to earn. What I need is self acceptance.Knowing I am worthy of love.That I am a good person even if my family does not think so.That it is ok to make mistakes and not always be there for everybody.That sometimes I just need to be there for myself.To recharge so I can have something to give.I can't drain my bank account and then give money to charity.It's not there to give.I have to do what is necessary to get the money and put it there so I can give it.That is taking care of myself. I gave my family and my husband,people with a very serious disease,all the power to make or break me.Their constant twists and turns and ups and downs pulled me in every direction for as long as I can remember.I never knew what the next hour,day,year would be like because it was not up to me,it was in their hands. That has changed.No matter what comes now,I know that in the arms of my loving HP (God) and a strong,loving,capable woman on my side (me),I will be ok. Dru
