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I have decided I'm looking for a sign. I sent the request out 2 weeks ago for the visit at jail and have not gotten a letter since confirming if I am scheduled or not. If I don't get a letter today I don't go. If I do, I go. Simple, if HP wants me to go there will be a letter in the mailbox today confirming the visit. If not then I don't go. Seems fair I think. Is this magical thinking? I believe in signs and to be honest I'm a little offended that I haven't gotten a letter in weeks and don't really know if he is still in the same location or even if the visit is scheduled. You would think I would have gotten something in two weeks saying I was able to come - mind you there is a restraining order between us and they might not allow the visit. So no letter, no visit. What do you guys think?
I do believe in signs...and often look for that kind of guidance myself.
In terms of magical thinking...it seems like magical thinking (to me, from a distance, not knowing all of the circumstances), to put a RO in place and then to go visit him, and thereby violating the RO. I think this sends mixed signals...
Well I do this too, look for reason's why I should, shouldn't, but I try alway's to look at the best possible outcome for me, I don't think it's magical though, just a way we learn to cope, and if that works, well that's great, I do think our Hp play's a hand in this, he gives us choices, but at the end of the day he leaves it up to us to chose the right path.
GOsh I HATE those kind of decisions, where you waver and waver. I think there's something "up" with me when I waver and waver like this.
Not necessarily that I'm thinking wrongheadedly, but there are some decisions or choices we make that are effortless, and some that aren't. I have to admit some choices can be "beyond my ability" to make on my own, so I seek help from others, who often do speak with HP's given wisdom to me.
When my A was in the hospital recovering from his first relapse three years ago, I called a close Alanon friend with the dilemma of visiting him in the hospital or not. We discussed it for a while, and I wavered all over until I asked what SHE would do, since I trusted her experience in the program. She said "I wouldn't go", so I adopted her decision.
There was no dramatic outcome, but my heart was at rest. Though this Alanon gal was a human being, she was a 'higher power' than I, having had much more program experience than I. It put my heart at ease.
When my ex, husband at the time, tried to kill me, I got a RO. He then went voluntairly into the psy ward where he commited himself for 2 weeks. He had already been diagnsoed bipolar 1 and was on meds but not regulated. I was married to him at the time and when he called, I went. I knew at that point beyond any doubt that he was very, very ill. But there was some confusion with the RO. It stated that I was allowed to have contact with him if that was my choice but he was to not make contact with me. This allowed for him to come home after his stay but if he was still insane and I called the police he would immediatly be removed and arrested and charged. This took the decision of whether or not to press charges out of my hands and also made him aware that if he was to be home with us he needed to take care of himself so that his illness never got out of control again. But the first time I went to visit, there was alot of confusion regarding the RO. As insane as he was at the time I was the only one who would advocate for him. His family was/is too sick, angry to do what needed to be done. I felt so sorry for him at that point. I did what I felt I needed to do so that I would never regret. I do try to live with the idea that I don't want to have to regret anything. How will I feel 10 years from now about it? I dare say I will feel I did the right thing for me at the time, and for him. What would I have wanted him to do for me if the situation were reversed? How would I treat a friend (someone I was not married to or sleeping with) in that same situation? I don't know carolina, it's a tough call, just keep doing what is best for you.
I have understood that sometimes getting mail out of a jail is tough going. For some reason when somoene goes in the mail seems to take a while to get out. I don't see why he wouldnt be writing to you.
I do understand your ambivalence. I have it towards the A.
From my experience with restraining orders the issue is about the protected person wanting contact. If you want contact you can go through a third party to get it. You can choose contact at different times. The issue is for it to be protected. But who knows?
My restraining order was temporary. I never actually got to "serve" him with it. I tried believe me but serving a homeless person is a tough undertaking.
I look for signs sometimes too. I see signs right now my life is getting better and the focus has to be on me. I do stuff for the A but he isn't my sole focus anymore.
One huge barometer for me is resentment. When I feel that resentment creeping up that's one sure sign I need a boundary in there.
Ok so I have no specific ill will other than the fact that I'm supporting 3 kids on my own right now. I guess that is general resentment and it's not really going to go away I consider it fairly minor. I can't figure out why bother. That's what gets me. Why do I feel the desire to spend my day off doing this? Is it a want? Do I feel obligated? I just can't figure myself out LOL.
For me, I am discovering that when I find myself saying, why am I FEELING this way?! aaarrrgghh!!!! - what I need to do is say instead, I AM feeling this way. This is the way I feel right now. Ambivalent, minimized, hopeful - whatever goofy combination it is. I am feeling xxxxx and yyyyy and zzzzz - with the help of my trusty downloaded list of feelings, if necessary. Acknowledging and validating and naming my own feelings somehow frees me - I don't understand it, but it shifts something and somehow makes some of the craziness go away. Sometimes enough that I can see something I couldn't see before.
